i did say we were famous, didn't i?

Well, I wasn't kidding. We got our first shout out on Jason's myspace yesterday. He loves us! GOTH GIRLS!! forever!!

I had to post this... I needed to smile today.

you know what sucks?

THIS!

I came out to my car this morning and discovered it was broken into. The passenger front door glass was broken out, the door lock was jammed and the stereo was stolen. One thing I will say... these people knew what they were doing. There was minimal damage to the dash and they actually unplugged the stereo and did not cut the wires. That will make it easier to install the new one. I guess I am relatively calm about this because I deal with this all day everyday. I hear people's sob stories about this happening and am forced to deal with it. So when it happens to me, its old hat. I knew what to do. Called the police, filed the report over the phone. They don't need to come out. Why bother. Its not like they would ever find anything anyway. The whole thing is just an annoying pain in the ass. I am all set up to get it repaired tomorrow. I just wish I didn't have to deal with this.

song in my head 07/08/08

No Air by Jordan Sparks ft. Chris Brown

sissys coming

Today my sister decided she is gonna come home for Labor Day. I am so excited! I usually only get to see her once, maybe twice a year. I have a 4 day weekend that weekend so I will get to spend lots of time with her. Hooray! I am sooooo glad you're coming Beck.

something stinks

So, remember the mouse I mentioned seeing the other night?
Well, the house has been kinda stinky for the last couple days. I thought it was the trash or something, but I am beginning to think there might be a dead mouse somewhere. I am thinking maybe behind the entertainment center. I can't really move it by myself, so I hope Chris wants to help. Yuck. I know its gross, but damn it smells.

AI concert recap

part 1 - meeting the Castros

part 2 - Jason

part 3 - everyone else

part 4 - random

AI concert recap - part 4 : random

One last thing I need to share. During Jason's performance, I was standing up. Duh! Why would I not? But there were very few people around me standing up. Actually, in my whole section, I was the only one. The majority of the fans were there for the Davids. Anyway. I was standing and these people behind me where none too happy. The kept yelling at me to sit down. I was ignoring them. After a while, they had the girl sitting next to me grab my arm and point behind me. I turned around and looked and the people said, "We can't see." I looked down at them and said, "Oh. I'm sorry." And I turned back around. Did I sit down? Nope. I really was sorry that they couldn't see the gorgeous sight I saw. But I was not sorry that I was blocking their view. hehe. There was no one stopping them from standing up. Do you really think I would have spent all that money to just sit thru Jason? Hell no. I just kept standing and loving every minute of it.
This is also a major thing worth mentioning. Not only is it funny, but it is also another example of the new and improved Laura. I would normally have been intimidated by those people and sat down. I would have been sad, but I would have done it. But not anymore. I am a proud Goth Girl and I must represent.

AI concert recap - part 3: everyone else

You mean there were more people performing? Oh, right. The other folks I had to sit thru to see Jason.

Ok... the top 10...

Chikezie - just ok. Very cheesy. No one should try to cover Usher.

Ramiele - She wore sequined leggings. Yes, that is what I remember. She did sing If I Never See Your Face Again by Maroon 5. That is a good song, but she is not a very good singer.

Michael Johns - he was one of my favorites of the show. Not the actual TV show, but the concert. He came out singing Queen. He sounded awesome. He got the first standing ovation of the show.

Kristy Lee Cook - Whatever. She's weird. I mostly texted thru her whole performance. I just rolled my eyes when she sung God Bless the USA. She had a big flag behind her. Augh.

Carly Smithson - She was great too. She needs more variety in her songs. Too much Heart. But she was really comfortable on stage and I think she will have a nice career.

Brooke White - She came up from the below the floor on the piano playing Let It Be. She was great. She also sung 1234 by Feist. It was really fun. I stood up for the home town girl.

INTERMISSION - during intermission some random guys plated Guitar Hero on stage. They also played a commercial that the Idols made for the new Guitar Hero game. They were dressed in 70's clothes (Jason wore a tight orange tank top and bell bottom jeans). The new game has more instruments than just guitar, so each of the Idols were playing instruments. Guess what Jason played? Yup, the drums. See, he is/was a drummer before Idol. He looked incredible playing the drums. I about died in my seat. His brother was laughing at him the whole time. It was so funny.

next was Jason!! see the last post

Syesha - Whatever. Didn't pay much attention to her. I was still on my Jason high. Plus, I was texting everyone left and right. She can sing, though.

Archuleta - The one thing I will say about this... THE SCREAMS WERE DEAFENING. There were so many people there just to see him. It was so loud. I just sat and texted with my friends and really didn't pay attention to him ever. I just wish I had ear plugs. Not a fan, can you tell?

David Cook - After seeing him perform, I am so glad he won. He deserved it. Funny that my best pictures of the night were of DC. I guess I had calmed down by then. I did call my sister, so that she could listen to DC sing. She said that she cried a little. During all the breaks into between singing, David would look out at the crowd and you could see he was just taking it all in. He is such a great guy.

The whole show was just ok. Yes, I admit it. There were great moments. I am so glad I went, though. It was one of the greatest times I've ever had. And I was by myself. But I really wasn't. I had all my friends texting me and making me laugh. It was like they were with me. Plus, I knew they were at their respective homes hanging on my every text. They were posting online what I was texting to them. I also didn't know that they show was streaming live on line. This one site has people at the shows call in and use their cell phones to hear the show. It is horrible sound, but at least they all got to hear the show. I have been listening to all the shows over the last week, the same way too.

As I said in my last post, I am so happy that I was able to be at the first stop on the tour. It was an experience I will never forget.

AI concert recap - part 2: Jason

Let's just put it out there. This is the reason I went in the first place, so why beat around the bush.
Most of my pictures are very blurry. I am really bummed about that. But my sister tells me it is probably because I was too excited. This is true. He only had about 10 minutes on stage and I was freaking out the whole time. I also was trying to get video using my digital camera. The famous sideways, zooming in on the crotch video (see a few posts below). I was trying to stay still to film that whole song. That meant only two other songs to take pictures of. But I was loving every second of it. He started with Somewhere Over the Rainbow on the ukulele. He was singing along and then a stagehand comes out on stage and plugs in the uke. It was plugged in, but not all the way! He just kept singing the whole time. He laughed really hard, but sung at the same time. He looked so nervous, but very happy. He was smiling the whole time. He was wearing RED SHOES! You can see them in that picture. I love his shoes and his style. He is all over the place, but so unique. I guess he could come out in a garbage bag and I would like it, but still... So the second song was Crazy by Gnarls Barkley, but sung in the styling of Ray LaMontagne (google that, bitches). That is the song I recorded. He killed it. Before he sung it, he said, "This is the song that made all my dreams come true." He said that, because it was the song he sung at his auditions for AI. After Crazy was Daydream. He said it was the song that introduced him to the world. He sung it on his first performance on AI. During the song, there was a little musical interlude and he danced around a little. He turned towards my side of the arena and saw his family. He mouthed, "hey!" and smiled huge! It was awesome to see. I could go on and on about him. Y'all know how I feel about him. He can do no wrong in my book. But I will never forget that I was at his first concert ever. That is a memory that he will have forever and I will always be a small part of that, even if he doesn't know I exist (which isn't actually true, because like I said, we are famous!).

AI concert recap - part 1: meeting the Castros

There is so much to share. I didn't know where to start. This will probably be a little erratic, but that's too bad. Follow along. I know its almost a week late, but it has been an intense week.

I get to the arena and they haven't opened the doors yet. I stand around and watch the madness. I was in no hurry to get inside, because why? Assigned seats, so why bother. I casually get in line and go in. While I am walking to the stairs down to my section, I spot Jason's mom in line at the concession stand. At first I thought, "Wow. I should take her picture." I got out the camera and then I thought, "Why take a picture? I should just go talk to her." So, I did. I was wearing my Dreadhead shirt and as I walked up to her, she saw me and smiled. I told her that I just wanted to introduce myself. I told her what group I belong to and she asked my name. I told her and she laughed and smiled. Well, we are famous after all. We exchanged a few pleasantries and I gave her a hug. I told her to tell her son that we love him. I was freaking out that I had actually spoken to her. I started walking away, but I knew that I had seen Michael and Jackie (Jason's brother, 20 & sister, 12) waiting for their mom. I figured, hell, why not talk to them too. I just walked up to them and told them I just wanted to say hello. They were really nice and talked to me for a few minutes too. I really could not put thoughts together. So, I am not really sure what I said to them. I know I said something about the weather. After talking to them, I was flipping out. I called my friend Colleen, in San Diego and flipped out. So, what's the second best thing to meeting Jason? Meeting his family, I'd say. After calming myself down, I made it to my seat on the floor. It was really good. As I sat down, I saw that Castros sitting very close to me. Betsy saw me and waved. How cool is that? After frantically texting all my friends about what had just happened and talking to many of them on the phone too, I realized how dumb I was for not getting pictures with the family. Since the show still hadn't started, I made my way up the aisle and asked his mom if we could have a picture together. I told her, "My friends are gonna kill me if I don't get a picture with you." She was super nice and told me it was not a problem. At that moment, Jackie came to her seat and she offered to take the picture. How surreal! I was still floating and just went back to my seat. The show went on (my review will come soon!) and by intermission, I had received a million texts telling me that I had to get my picture with the siblings. So, I managed to make my way back to their seats. By this time, many many fans had discovered the family sitting there and were crowded all around. There were so many girls around Michael that I said to him, "Look at all these girls. We are gonna have to fight for you." He just smiled. He was loving every second of it. I managed to get my picture taken with Michael by some random girl. Then I asked Michael to take a picture with me and Jackie. It was so amazing. They were so nice. Thru the whole show, I would look over at the family to see their reactions. I made eye contact with Michael many times. I will say this... there are many people who are just as obsessed with him as they are with Jason. He is known as mcas. He's got his own group of fans. I was never really a fan. But I have to admit, in person he is a fine looking guy. I figured out one of the Castro boys secrets. They smile when they talk. You are drawn to the mouth, because they are smiling. And that is damn sexy. So, I am an mcas convert. Jason is still my idol, but his brother ain't bad to look at either.
Ok, so that is the story about meeting the Castros. The pictures are a few posts down.
Why is this a big deal, besides the obvious?
Well, going up and talking to strangers is not something I normally do. Taking their picture from a distance is more my personality. But just putting myself out there and talking to them is so not me. But you know what? I did it. And I was not scared or nervous. I just did it. I told myself I was being dumb for not doing it and I did it. A few months ago, I never would have. This is more and more proof of the evolution of Laura. It's proof that when you have friends and joy in your life, you can grow and become more confident in yourself. I am mad at myself for ever being the person who would not have talked to them. But I am now. Laura is coming out of her shell and she likes it. And yes, I am referring to myself in the third person...

More in a little bit...

Happy 4th of July

*wink*

people scare me

This is all one customer...

Me: Were the police notified?
Her: We took a picture.

Me: Were the people in the vehicle minors?
Her: I don't have kids. What's a minor?

american idol concert

I have so much to say. But I am so tired. I am on 3 hours sleep and I have been going all day. I have videos and pics to upload and following along with tonite's show too.
I have some random bullets for now... more tomorrow.

I met Jason's famliy!! Mom - Betsy, brother - Michael & sister - Jackie. It was sooo awesome. I did not meet Jason. I am bummed about that, especially because my friend met him today!

The show was awesome. Best performances: Michael Johns, Carly, Jason & David Cook

Here are my pics.

and last for tonite... here is my sideways video of Jason singing Crazy

one last thing for tonite

for my sister...

David Cook - Billie Jean

aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

My stomach is in knots. I am so nervous. Why am I nervous?
Good lord. I never thought this day would come.
Everyone is jealous of me. I am the only Goth Girl going to tonite's show. I wish my girls could be there with me. I am frantic.
I CANNOT BELIEVE I WILL BE SEEING JASON TONITE WITH MY OWN EYES!!
Work needs to end. I cannot sit here anymore.

tomorrow

The American Idol concert is tomorrow night. While I am beyond excited, I am melancholy too. I mildly regret not stalking Jason, especially because I know where they are staying. Earlier today, I thought about stalking tonite, but I now have a headache and I am really tired. I need to be ready for tomorrow. People have been giving me crap about not trying to meet him and some people even went so far as to call me chicken. I am not chicken, I am realistic. It's about the music anyway, right?

f***

I was just sitting on the couch enjoying a evening chat with my friends when I saw something on the floor under the floor lamp. At first I thought it was a roach, because I saw one last night. But then I noticed a tail. F*** It was a mouse. It then ran under the bookcase and behind the entertainment center. I screamed and woke up Chris. He said, "What do you want me to do about it now?" YIKES!

why not today?

You have anniversarys, birthdays and even Valentines Day... but why not tell the person you love them on a random day in June?

Chris, I love you more and more every day. You are the biggest pain in my ass, but the brightest light in my life. I knew fourteen years ago and I still know now. My life would not be complete without you in it.

Every word of this song is true:

look at those eyes

Our friend's baby gets more gorgeous every time I see a new picture!
Scarlett Aurora - age: 20 months

um....

Funny face, I know. But somebody's been working out!!!source

song in my head 06/26/08

Madness by Alanis Morissette

doi

Customer: Steven
Me: with a "v" or a "ph"
Customer: with an "s"

suck

I like to call this, drive by blogging...

Guess what just happened to me? The elastic popped on the sleeve of my shirt. I am stuck at work with a sleeve that is all stretched out and you can now see my arm pit. Freaking lovely.

ok... some health stuff

I finally got the results of the glucose test I did 3 weeks ago. The good news... I do not have diabetes. woo hoo! I am really happy about this. That means I still have time to try to prevent this from happening. I am taking this motivation and running with it.
I did get some bad news, but nothing I didn't already know. My insulin level is high, so I still have insulin resistance. And I have a Vitamin D deficiency. The doctor wants me to take a supplement to fix that. What is one more pill?

he didn't stand us up!!

My poor blog as gone from all John Mayer all the time, to depressing heath stuff, to now all Jason Castro all the time. Oh well. You can deal.

Sooooo... it's Tuesday night and it's date night. Here is the bulletin he posted on myspace:

Date: Jun 24, 2008 7:39 PM
Subject: i just put on some cologne

time for our date! haha i just posted the new video...i dont know if its showing up just yet... bear with me im learning things as i go...like the fact that its already 10:30 on the east coast..who picks up their date at 10:30?! my baddd. haha today wasnt too eventful...as you will notice in my vid. haha but this week coming up is gonna be huuugeeee!!!! im taking notes to share everything. yessss.

ttyl!

jasonnn.

and the video:


He leaves me gasping for air...

no sleep tonite

Just when I thought I was gonna be able to get some sleep tonite... that damn Jason Castro goes and posts a vlog.

I really do not know if it is possible for him to be any cuter. If it happens, I just might pass out and die. Seriously... date night? And the smile at the end... knocked me unconscious. Boy am I ever smitten!

8 DAYS!! oh.my.god!


edited to add: Who am I kidding? It is WAY beyond smitten. Smitten does not set up a website in their honor. Yes. I said it. I am hopeless. But, I have been smiling all day... so it can't be that bad, right?

irresistible object vs. immovable force

This is for my sister... for two reasons.
1. Because she kept saying this to me over and over yesterday and making me laugh.
2. Because she has taken the time to really try to understand me and I appreciate that more than she will ever know.

flavors of entanglement

The new Alanis Morissette album came out this past Tuesday and I love it. This is the first full album that I have purchased on itunes. How I feel about the album is the same I felt of the last couple Alanis albums. The first time I listen, I don't get it at all. But the more I listen to the complete album, I get it and understand it and love it. Right now, my favorite tracks are Straitjacket, Tapes and one of the bonus tracks Madness. But each time I hear a song, I have a new respect for her. She is an amazing song writer and my musical hero.

1st official day of summer

song in my head 06/19/08

Walking On Air by Kerli

daniel!!

Suns fill out coaching staff
Suns lead assistant Alvin Gentry will return to that role and work a fifth season on Phoenix's coaching staff, which now will include Suns fan favorite Dan Majerle, former All-Star center and head coach Bill Cartwright and Porter colleague Igor Kokoskov.

If you don't already know, Daniel Lewis Majerle III was one of my first obsessions!

take your dog to work day

Tomorrow is Take Your Dog To Work Day. Who even knew this existed?

Too bad I don't work tomorrow...

oh and I don't have a dog.

nothing around but the sound of my heart and your sighs

My poor neglected blog.

I got a freakin forum to run! But I have learned a big lesson with this new forum. Delegate. I have never been good at this. I know how it should be done and dammit, I will do it right myself. That is sooooo not a good attitude. But I have been getting so overwhelmed just getting the forum set up, that when it came to "mod"ing it, there was no way I could handle it. We now have all our mods (people to watch over it and make sure people are not breaking the rules) assigned and we are getting ready to open it up to the world. So, I have been delegating. I have been using the talents of my lovely friends. Asking for people to write things up, asking people to make graphics. I trust these girls, so why not trust that they will do a good job? That takes a lot for me to do that, but I have been in the last couple days and it has really been working.

Many people have asked in recent days... How long do you think the forum will last? I mean, how long can you talk about Jason Castro? Well first... he hasn't fallen off the earth. So until he has, we will have things to talk about. All summer long there is the tour (13 DAYS!!!). Then after that, hopefully a long career. We were all here at the beginning and ain't going no wheres!

i did it

I, along with soooo much help from Chris, successfully launched a forum for my friends and I to use. It was a ton of work, but as of right now, there are over 20 users and the site is holding up fine. When we launched it to the group around 9:30pm tonite, I was so sick to my stomach. I was terrified that it would crash. But so far so good. I am so tired, but I am really excited and proud of myself. But I will say again, there is no way I could have done this without Chris's help. Thanks, dear.

happy father's day

cupcake purse!

This purse was in the Sex and the City movie! I love it and want to own it! Anyone have an extra $4300?

Read this.

um...

From OK! magazine:
"John is good in bed," a pal of the 30-year old singer-songwriter tells OK!. "Not just good, but sensational. Every girl I know who has slept with John says it was the best sex of their life. I'm not sure what exactly he does in bed, but after girls sleep with him, they're ruined. They get totally hung up on him and want more! Whatever John's secret is, he should market it. He could retire from the music industry."

i'm not who i was

I have been thinking a lot lately about life and things and whatnot. Mainly because I am starting therapy tomorrow. I have already been to the shrink, but he is mostly just for diagnosis and meds. Tomorrow, I meet with the therapist for "talk therapy." I guess I am getting prepared. But I feel like I have changed a lot recently. I think it comes from finding people I can really talk to and people who understand me. I have made friends for the first time in a really long time and I love them. Sure, they are online, but that does not make them any less of a friend. I talk to them more than I would talk to my real life friends, anyway. I actually talk to many of them on the phone too. Talked to Colleen for over an hour last night. That being said, making friends is good for the soul. Having people that get you is really refreshing. Sure my family and Chris get me, but it is different. I am not sure that the changes I see in myself are strictly based on meeting new people. I think that I am dealing with difficult situations much better than I used to. The whole thing with my dad has been really difficult, but I am dealing and trying to stay positive.
Wait, I am taking anti-depressants, aren't I? Does that explain it all away? I don't really think so. I have a "med check" appointment on Monday and I don't know what to say. Do I think the pills are working? I have no idea? I don't really notice a major difference. But I know that I have not really been totally depressed lately. I have been in angry moods, but that is just normal stuff. Anxiety? Not really. I think I stayed really calm while dealing with my dad in the hospital. I did not freak out at all and haven't. That is really the most major thing to deal with lately and I am dealing well.
I like who I am now. I think that is a major thing for me to say. For the longest time, I didn't. I felt fake and that I put on acts for people. I wanted so badly for people to like me. And when that wasn't happening, I was hating myself and wanted to die. Yes, I said that and I meant it. Then I just got in a funk and didn't care about much at all and had no hope in life left. I guess its true that when you stop caring if people like you, you meet people who do. It's strange to think that had I not watched American Idol, seen Jason Castro, gone online on that particular day, posted in that thread on the forum and gotten banned, I would not be where I am today. My friends and I have called it fate and I actually believe that to be the case. I have even said that Jason and his music have saved my life. That may sound really silly, but all that has happened as a result has changed me and gave me a renewed sense of myself and that life is worth living.

cracks me up

such cuteness!
shopping in the mall... photo taken by his little sister, Jackie

...working on getting the site up!

...18 days til the show!!!!

random tv stuff

I am soooo happy that Stephanie won Top Chef! She deserved to win!! I was very happy. Actually as long as it wasn't Lisa, I would have been happy.

Ice Road Truckers is the shit. I love that show and I am so glad that season two started. Driving on the ocean now? That is just nuts!

Another show that I am really into is I Survived on the Biography channel. The most recent episode was about the Virginia Tech shootings and that bridge collapse last summer in Wisconsin. That was the first episode of national news story stories. It is such dramatic show, but at least you know, as the people describe what happened, that they did survive.

I have not yet gotten into So You Think You Can Dance. I am still pissed at Nigel Lythgoe and don't really feel like looking at him right about now. I should set it to record so I won't miss anymore. But this is funny... Someone posted a sign in the stairwell at work that says: VOTE TWITCH.

song in my head 06/12/08

Sweet and Low by Augustana
I really like this song a lot! It's in my head, because I keep playing it over and over. hehe

things that make me happy...

homeless... at least for now

Everyday for almost two months, I have met my friends online and talked all night long. But tonight will probably be the first night I haven't. Why? Our thread/section of the forum that we post in is being shut down. It is kinda complicated as to why, but let's just say, some other forum members signed a petition to get us kicked off. The administrator's hands were tied. We knew that we were hanging by a thread, because a couple weeks ago, we got moved. But now it is over. So... my closest friends and I met online last night and decided the thing to do was to start our own forum. That way we can be ourselves and no one can kick us off. This ousting will be the 3rd place we have been kicked out of. It makes no sense to me either. But I guess you will have that. So, I have taken on the task of getting the new site and forum set up. Of all of us, I am the one with the most technical knowledge. Actually, most of my knowledge comes from Chris and I have begged him to help me to at least get the domain and host set up. I think I can manage it once it's set up. He made a temporary forum last night, so I feel good that we can make this work. We are so excited. We are sad to leave the place that we have called home for a long time. But this time, we are excited, not mad. Our little crew has really become like a family and we need our own home. We have grown larger than the old forum can handle. The way I tried to explain it to people is that as you grow up, you need to leave the nest and branch out on your own. That is what we are doing. We are forever going to be the black sheep of the dreadhead family (oh, yeah. This is still the Jason Castro boards I am talking about.), but we are moving out of their house. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense to most people. I cannot really make you understand. I have tried too hard to make people understand and it still does not work. But I have made the greatest friends and we enjoy each others company. Anyway... I have a lot of work ahead of me and I am sure, a lot of fighting with Chris... but it will be worth it. Maybe I will share it when it's done... or maybe not. Gotta keep some secrets...

i need to own this

Hello Kitty cactus!!!

some things just need to be said...

I wear their face on top of my face
I am the perfect target screen
For your blindly fueled rage
I bare the brunt of your long buried pain
I don't mind helping you out
But I want you to remember my name

It's not all me
It's not all my fault
I may remind you, but I won't take it all on

Past riddled rage
I see the buttons I engage
With my dignity in place
I'm all too happy to assuage

It's not all me
It's not all my fault
I may remind you, but I won't take it all on

Lest I find my voice
Find the strength to stand up to you
Lest I stay to my limit
And only take on what is mine to

We are a team
I'm here to help mend and re-seam
All I trigger unknowingly
A job I hold in high esteem

It's not all me
It's not all my fault
I may remind you, but I won't take it all on

It's not all me
It's not all my fault
I may remind you, but I won't take it all on
I'll only take some of it

song in my head 06/08/08

9 In The Afternoon by Panic! At The Disco

this is what it's like when your parents get old

Because life was just calming down... more drama!

On Sunday night, my mom called me and said that my father fell and was on his way to the hospital. He broke his right arm and injured his hip. The bone actually broke thru the skin. I immediately left home and drove to the hospital. When I got there, he was still in the trauma room and his arm was not wrapped up yet. I saw it in all its glory. Ultimately, he ended up having emergency surgery on his arm. It was a compound fracture. He had a plate and 6 screws put in one bone and a wire thru the other to try to force it heal. He also micro-fractured his right hip. He has to keep his weight off of it and it should heal on its own. He was lucky it was not a major hip fracture! I was at the hospital until 4:30am on Monday morning. I stayed with my mom until my dad got out of surgery. The sun was up when I got home. It was a horrible situation. He was in the hospital until today. He did not come home, though. He was moved to a live-in rehab place. He is having trouble sitting up and walking because of the hip. So, they decided that rehab is the best thing for him. As much as he wants to go home, there is no way that my mom could give him all the help he needs. Not that she doesn't want to, but she just can't. He needs full time attention until he is up and walking again. Getting out of the hospital is a good thing. It's progress. But only time will tell in the whole recovery. He is gonna be out of work for a long time.

The whole thing really sucks. As my sister said today, this is what it's like when your parents get old. We both feel so helpless for different reasons. I feel bad that I live close and haven't been able to visit him more and she feels bad that she lives so far away and can't visit him. There really isn't anything we can do. But it's really hard to see your parent in the hospital. It makes me feel so old and helpless.

hi. my name is laura and i am a castroaholic

song in my head 06/05/08

Fragile - words by Sting - sung by Jason Castro
I had the spanish part in my head all day, on repeat. I hate when that happens. Its just a part of the song, over and over. Love the song and the singer, but that gets annoying.

stuff and junk

The glucose test was basically painless. Took blood. Had to drink this sugar stuff. It was like flat orange soda with tons of sugar added. It made me sick, because it was sooo much sugar and I am not really eating much sugar anymore. Plus, I was fasting so it was on an empty stomach. After drinking the stuff, I had to sit in the waiting room for 2 hours. I had rented a movie and watched it on my ipod. Thank goodness I did that. I helped the time fly by. I watched P.S. I Love You. I was good, but super sappy. I had to stop myself from crying in public. So, after waiting 2 hours, they took my blood again and then that was it.

I weighed myself yesterday. Lost 5 more pounds. That means since February, I have lost 18 pounds. Not a lot, but slow and steady wins the race. I have more changed the way I eat. I still eat most of what I want, just much less of it. This weight loss also accomplished going below a major number. I am so happy to be below that number, it's not even funny.

Saw SATC the movie yesterday. Loved it. I said to my mom before it started, that I was gonna be bummed when it was over. She didn't understand. What I meant was that I will want more and I doubt there will ever be more. I loved that show so much and I never want it to end. I want to stay involved in these womens lives. I know they are not real, but you feel like they are. The movie was cute. It was surprisingly long. There were a few parts that dragged along, but it was worth seeing.

I AM KEEPING THE LAPTOP!!! I borrowed my dad's laptop for our trip to Cincinnati. I have been using it ever since. I love having it and never wanted to give it back. So yesterday, my dad said that we would sell it to us for a great deal. We could not pass up the opportunity to get a laptop at a great price, so we are buying it. I am so happy and so thankful to my dad for allowing us to buy it. YEAH!!!

The new NKOTB song is REALLY BAD! They sound good, but the song is sooo dumb.

The new hotness concert DVD, Where The Light Is: John Mayer Live In Los Angeles, comes out on July 1, 2008. (That will be an awesome day for me. JM DVD and Idol concert in the same day!!) Already pre-ordered it on amazon.

just for good measure...

song in my head 05/29/08

Bubbly by Colbie Caillat
I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feelin' like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tingles in a silly place

Nope. Doesn't make me think of anyone at all...

tomorrow...

Duh! Sex and the City opens tomorrow and heck yeah, I will be there. Tomorrow morning, I have a glucose tolerance test. It was ordered by the endo to see if I am pre-diabetic. That means I gotta fast. The test will take 2 hours. I have to go at 8:00am. I have a movie loaded into my ipod to watch, but I bet I will end up falling asleep. I have been up late every night this week and I am sooo tired. I even snooze between calls at work. Those pesky customers keep interrupting my nap time. So, after the test, the momma is coming over and we are going to the movie. I am looking forward to it. It has been a very strange week. I am glad its over. Now if I could just get some sleep... Oh right, I slept in until 12:30pm on Sunday! Yikes! hehe

um... hello there

the sleeve has grown on me... loving it now! Oh and did you know he had the 77 tattoo just for me? Or at least that's what I like to tell myself.
source

edited to add: speaking of the hotness... MY TICKETS ARRIVED TODAY! woo hoo

www.rockwalllovesjason.com

edited to add:
how cute! His brother & sister were there at the parade.

source

song in my head 05/26/08

Leavin' by Jesse McCartney
Let me take this moment to include my disclaimer - Just because the song is in my head, does not mean I like the song. It does not mean I dislike it, either. Songs just stick in my head and I have no control over it.

there are no words

song in my head 05/24/08

The Space Between by Dave Matthews Band

a cute baby. why not?

It's been a while since I have gotten any new photos of our friends baby... well, she's not really a baby so much anymore. She is 19 months old now. She is just too darn cute not to share... I am just so glad to see that she is happy.
Love this kid.
Scarlett Aurora, age 19 months

quick reminder

The American Idols are going to be on Larry King Live tonite and Monday! It's a 2-parter. Not sure who will be on which night, but watch (or record) them both, just in case.

"you don't feel any different, do you?"

That is what my sister asked me today. As of today, I have been taking the anti-depressants for one week. The doctor told me that it would take at least 4 weeks to get the full effect. I was never expecting a miracle cure. I know that I have to work thru my issues and that popping a pill won't do the trick. I think that I am in an ok place in my life right now (way better than I have been in the last couple months) and so I am not all that depressed. I think that I need to stick it out with the pills for awhile and see what they can really do. I feel like my emotional state is a roller coaster. And no, its not only PMS associated. I know the difference. The doctor basically forced me to prove to him that my depression is not only PMS associated. That made me a little mad. I go thru peaks and valleys, but they are not that easily explained. Anyway. I am still waiting, but not giving up hope.

this is nuts

As I write this, it is raining and 64 degrees outside. Why does this matter? Well, on Monday it was 110 degrees outside at almost this same time. This is the strangest weather change I think I have ever seen. I have lived in AZ almost my entire life and I don't ever remember a swing in weather like this. Now, I am not complaining. Don't get me wrong. I just don't get it. It's almost a tease. We were getting geared up for a long hot summer and the boom - cold and rainy. We all know the heat is coming, but this is a really nice break.

best of idol - finale - cookie takes it

A huge congratulations to David Cook. He deserves this. He is a great and humble guy with a lot of talent. He's got a fan in me. There is so much I could I say right now about the finale, but I really just want to leave it on a happy note.

Enjoy this... David Cook's first single, The Time of My Life

But did you really think I would have a post only about Cookie? Um, no. Somebody was looking mighty fine last night...

And somebody sung their ass off! This was his gift to the faithful dreadheads...

I will leave it with that, for now, because somebody leaves me speechless...

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

*jumping up and down in my chair*

HE'S GONNA SING HALLELUJAH!!!

I can hardly contain myself...

Whom ever wins is totally irrelevant to me right now.

woo hoo

edited to add:
JUST CUZ...

ignoring Idol

This is me, pretending to ignore Idol. Yes, I watched it. And tomorrow is gonna be super sweet. The top 10 will be there...

Anyway. That is not the purpose of this post.

This is all about new Alanis Morissette. The new album, Flavors Of Entanglement comes out June 10th. The new video for the first single, Underneath, is out. Check it out:

See, there is more to life than Jason Castro. Not much, but there is something...

i need a smile today...

Oh look. A gorgeous boy with smiles to spare!

idol itunes

Apparently, TBTB (the powers that be) are going to be taking the Idol songs off of itunes around the time of the finale. Before or after, I am not sure. But since that is only a couple of days away, I wanted to give a couple of recommendations. I have purchased all the Jason Castro performances, studio versions and videos, but I know that there are not many freaks like me out there. So, if you only wanted to purchase two songs from itunes, these are the ones I recommend buying:

Somewhere Over the Rainbow (studio version) by Jason Castro
Always Be My Baby (studio version) by David Cook

Yes, I did just recommend that you buy a David Cook song. No, I am not going crazy. Listen, I am as big a Jason Castro fan as you can find, but I am not dumb. I know good music. David Cook is a great singer. He deserves to win the show. His version of Always Be My Baby is amazing. I listen to it over and over. And Jason's cover of SOTR is beyond amazing. It is his personal favorite performance and it is the perfect example of what kind of a singer he is. (My other favorites are the studio versions of Fragile and Travelin Thru) So please, go purchase these two songs. Come on! It's $2.00. You can afford it.

song in my head 05/18/08

Not the Doctor (from Jagged Little Pill Acoustic) by Alanis Morissette

junk & tickets

So, the shrink went fine. It was the first ever visit, so I wasn't expecting much. We talked. Got some diagnosis based on said talking and got some drugs. I really wasn't going just to get drugs. The doctor even said that he is not a pill pusher, but he believes that anti-depressants will help. He believes that the pills will help with the depression and anxiety. He also said that what I was going thru in February was full on panic attacks. I figured as much, but hearing it from a doctor really helps. That has been the case with all the doctors I have been going to lately. The better I feel, the more I believe the doctors. It's not that I thought they were lying, I just still felt bad and no one could tell me why. It does really suck to realize that you can make yourself so sick like that. So, I got a prescription and made an appointment with the therapist. The shrink thinks I need to do both. I know that talking therapy (as the shrink called it) is really what I need, but the doctor believes I should do both in conjunction. He said that there is no way to find out if the pills will work until you try them. So, I am trying it all. I feel good about it. I am in a good place right now, but I go thru cycles. I need to work on things in my past while I am dealing on my own with the things in my present. And I have the therapist there for when I can't deal with the present. That might not make sense, but it's all I got right now...

Today was ticket day. The tickets to the American Idol tour went on sale this morning. There was a presale a few days ago, but they did not release very good seats for the presale. So I decided to wait to see what I could get when the tickets went on sale to the public. I got 15th row on the floor. That was really the best I could find. I went for it. I decided to go by myself. I had originally planned to drag my mom to the show with me, but I then decided that I really wanted to try to get seats as close as I could. I knew that my mom would not be thrilled to be on the floor among all the crazies. So, I decided to just go by myself. Plus, I might be meeting some forum people at the show just to say hey. I didn't want to put my mom thru all that mess either. I am ok with going by myself. I am always so caught up in the show and I tend to ignore the person I am with anyway. Speaking of that... Today, I also bought our lawn seats to the John Mayer concert. hehe. As my sister said, I dropped a boat load at ticketmaster today. But it is soooooo worth it.

finally

Tomorrow is the day.

I am going to the shrink. I have put it off way too long. For too many years. I have no expectations. Ok, that is not true. Deep down I have hope, but it takes a lot for me to allow that hope to bubble up and materialize. I am glad that I have found a little hope. I thought I had lost it completely. I just really want to feel better. None of the other doctors have worked, so I am at my last resort. If this does not work, then I don't know what I will do.

Tomorrow is a big step for me. It may be easy for some people to take this step, but I have resisted for far too long. I am really gonna do this.

But I will say, my nightly chats with my online friends, is some awesome therapy. I am starting to believe, again, that things really do happen for a reason. I met them when I needed a friend. They fell into my lap and I appreciate them more than they will ever know.

So. Shrink. Tomorrow. Who knew?

that smile

That smile is my favorite thing in the entire world.

at Krohn Conservatory, May 8, 2008

for my girls

The day we fell in love...

The day we fell in lust...


*hugs*

getting caught up

So much life happened while I was in Ohio and I feel my poor blog got neglected. Since I came home from work today feeling like shit (stomach ache and vomiting, not a pretty sight at work!), I am trying to get caught up on everything. Sure, I have been home for what? 4 days? Yeah, whatever. I have no life. I get home from work and get right on the damn computer. We (meaning my online friends) have basically abandoned the Idol forum and moved to a new location that will remain unmentioned (I don't want y'all tracking me down!). So, I get home and get right on the boards. Then late night chats with my girls. I am getting used to staying up late again. It really isn't making me so tired, or maybe I am just getting used it. I am wondering why I said that I have no life. I like this life. I like talking to my friends. Your life is what you make it. I am all over the place right now. I am feeling so crappy that I think I am out of my mind.
Anyway, my reason for posting is that I wanted to share when Jason was on Jay Leno. This was last Thursday night. I watched it in Ohio. I wished he would have been interviewed, instead of the fed some random lines to say. I am sharing this video, because to me it is Old and New. Once you watch it, you will understand. Well, only if I share the following: I used to love Huey Lewis. This was when I was really young. I had all the albums on cassette tape! So, here you go...

Dumb, right? But such a cute boy! Hair flip!! *dies*

What else happened? Sports... Oh, the Suns don't have a coach anymore: D'Antoni accepts Knicks' offer. What else? Eric Byrnes hasn't had a hit in the month of May, but the Diamondbacks are still in first place! I haven't watched a game in weeks... And I really have no idea what is happening in the NBA playoffs. I really don't. I don't much care, either.

Gas is more expensive in Ohio than Phoenix. It was $3.79 in Cincinnati and its around $3.49 here.

The hotness is heating it up with Jennifer Aniston. I don't put much weight on it. He is not looking for a wife right now. He used to be, but he knows what he has now and he is not gonna settle down anytime soon. Dare I say that he has changed? I blame Jessica. Bitch. And, no! I haven't bought the tickets for the show yet. I decided that we (yes, I am dragging Chris) are gonna get lawn seats. I can get those anytime, so I am waiting. I need to do it soon, but I have my Idol tour tickets to buy first. Are my priorities out of whack? Damn you Jason Castro.

So, what do I have to do this weekend? I have like 3 weeks worth of laundry. My house is a pig sty. It has been like that for weeks. Maybe I need to tend to it. I also have to complete the questionnaire for the sister's annulment. Yikes. That is gonna be tough, but I think that I can manage.

I think I need to shut up now...

trying to kill the hotness?

What? Who ever that is better get the f***ing gun away from the hotness!

Ok, whatever. He took a self defense course...
Guess the paparazzi might get out of control one day. You never know.

because we no longer watch "the show" anymore...

"That's what I like to do, ya know. And if that's what makes people go crazy, than that's cool, ya know. That's the kind of fans I want. People that are moved by the music. And ah yeah, I'll take all the fans I can get."
- Jason Castro, EW.com Idolatry interview, part III

photos galore

I took so many photos on our trip... too many to post here. But you can check them out on my flickr.

Here are the links...

Sarah's Graduation

Cincinnati Chili

Krohn Conservatory

Downtown Cincinnati & Over the Rhine

Union Terminal

this is where we used to live

Eden Park

Mt. Airy

Misc Cincinnati

guess what i don't have to do tonite?

I don't have to spend 2 whole hours voting my ass off and wearing down my phone battery.

What a relief...

congratulations on your graduation, Sarah

day 3 & day 4 - in Cincinnati

Well, first off... we are home. We got home Sunday night. Not a full flight, so that was a plus. Got a little shut eye on the plane, which was nice. I did not get much sleep on this trip. I guess I haven't been getting much sleep in the last few weeks. Oh well.
Anyway, the weekend consisted of my sister-in-law's graduation. Saturday was the massive ceremony and Sunday was the smaller, college of education ceremony. Saturday was the first day of the trip that we encountered the in-laws. They don't live in Cincinnati, so we were not planning on seeing them until then, anyway. I hate to admit this, but it was pretty painless. I get myself all worked up over dealing with my mother-in-law and then it all works out ok. The graduation on Saturday was... well... a disaster. Not for reasons you may assume. It was a disaster, because we (Chris & I) got sunburned. Saturday was the only day on the whole trip that it did not rain. Imagine that? It was a good thing, because the ceremony was outside in the football stadium. But really? Who leaves Arizona, where it is 95 degrees and goes to Ohio and gets sunburned? Dorks who don't think about sunscreen, that's for sure. After the graduation, we went to dinner all together (father-in-law, mother-in-law, both sister's-in-law, sister-in-law's fiance, and me & Chris). Loads of family fun there. Sunday was the smaller ceremony, inside. That was good, because it was pouring rain. It was much shorter (only an hour; the first one was 2 hours) and it was the one where they actually read the names of the graduates. My sister-in-law graduated magna cum laude with a degree in English from the College of Education. She got a job as a 6th grade English teacher. We are very proud of her. Anyway, after the ceremony on Sunday, we had to leave to head to the airport. The airport was a 2 hour drive away. We got there really early, because checking in and security took about 10 minutes combined. It was awesome, but not so great when you allow for it to take 2 hours. But we made it thru the visit. It actually was not terrible. We had a lot of fun seeing all our old hang outs and eating all our favorite foods. I am glad we got to spend time there on our own and it was really great to see the family too. I knew it was all worth it when we were leaving for the airport, my sister-in-law (the one that graduated), started to cry when I hugged her. This trip was about her and she was happy we were there. So were we.

song in my head 05/12/08

I'm Not Who I Was
written by Brandon Heath
sung by Jason Castro

the song stops at 3:15 minute mark...

happy mother's day

day 1 & day 2 - in Cincinnati

Over the past two days, we have just been hanging out. It has actually been quit nice to not have an agenda. All we really wanted to do was travel around and see all the places we loved about this city. Yesterday, we went to Union Terminal, downtown, Over the Rhine, Eden Park and Krohn Conservatory. They were having the annual butterfly show at the conservatory and I was so excited that we got to see it again. We had gone many times when we lived here. I got some great photos and I am in the process of posting them on my flickr. I will post them here (and my 366) when I get home. Today, we went to see all the places we used to live. We also went to Mt. Airy to play a little disc golf (but the ground was really muddy. It rained all day Wednesday and Thursday!) We also have been eating at some of our favorite places. Since I know some foodies, I will share the restaurants now:
Camp Washington
Mt. Adams Bar & Grill
Burbanks
Andy's Mediterranean Grille
Graeter's
Tomorrow is my sister-in-law, Sarah's graduation from Miami University. We will be busy with that all day. We also get to see the rest of the in-laws tomorrow too. That should be fun.
I will post more about all this when I have more time. :)

deep sigh

Well, yesterday was quite a day. It's tough to decide where to start. I guess with the most important...

You thought I was gonna start with American Idol, didn't you?
Well, you are wrong.

Yesterday, Chris and I flew to Ohio. Surprisingly, everything with the flight went fine. Checking in and security took like 30 minutes total. And the flight, as uncomfortable as a full flight is, went well. Right on time leaving and arriving. Getting rental car and getting to Cincinnati went alright too. Who knew that once we got here all hell would break loose. I guess I am being over dramatic about what happened, but it was really bad timing. We arrived at our hotel at around 8:50pm. I was so excited, because we were gonna be in our room in time to watch American Idol (see, its all connected!), but little did I know. When we got here, they had no record of our reservation. We had made the reservation on Orbitz.com. The biggest issue was that this is graduation weekend for lots of schools and all the hotels all over town are booked. So, if they didn't have room for us, we were screwed. It took forever, including us having to call Orbitz ourselves to try to resolve the issue, but I finally got a room key at about 9:40pm. Chris was still dealing with the front desk, but they had a room for us and so they let me go up. I practically ran thru the damn hotel. I made it in time to see the end of the show... more on that later. The hotel finally worked it out with Orbitz and everything is fine now. The hotel manager even called our room this morning to let us know that he was aware of what happened and wanted to make sure everything was ok now. That was impressive. The guys at the front desk last night did eventually step up and help us, but I really would have liked if they have stepped up a little sooner. We waited for way too long before they said, "We will get you a room and work this out." After we unpacked (and the show was over), we went for chili. It has been 6 years since we have had Cincinnati chili and since we were here, we couldn't wait any longer. Well, worth the wait! You know I had to photo the chili. hehe.

Ok, now the rest. I have dealt enough to be able to talk about the fact that Jason Castro was kicked of American Idol last night. I believe that there is NO WAY that Syesha got more votes than Jason. It is impossible. It is the Idol machine that chewed him up and spit him out. They wanted to do that last week, but couldn't. They jumped on it this week, especially after he forgot the words. Just a reminder that one of the remaining contestants has done that 3 times and is still there. But what do I know? Anyway. I am angry about the fact that the show is rigged. But I am at peace with him being gone. Sure, selfishly I wanted to see his beautiful face and hear his amazing voice for another 2 weeks. But he was done. He did many TV interviews this morning on all the Fox affiliates and he said that he was relieved to leave. He also said that he wanted to still be on the show, but now that he is off it is a relief. Understandable. He just looked so happy on the interviews this morning and I am so glad. He now has to chance to be himself and sing the songs he wants to sing. He is free from the Idol machine. This is all I wanted for him, anyway. If he's happy, then there is no reason I should be sad. There is still the finale and the tour (less than 2 months away!!). And after the tour, his career. He has made life long fans and I am one of them. So I say this: Thank you for everything, Jason. You have brought something special and unique to the lives of your fans. You have graced us with your gift and we will forever be grateful. You have also brought some amazing people in to my life. People I hope I can be friends with for a long time after Idol. Again, thank you thank you thank you.
For my final goodbye, I share with you the studio version of Mr. Tambourine Man (full length version, with all the words.) by Jason Castro. Trust me, it is worth a listen.
And now what happens? I don't care. As long as Archuleta does not win, I am good.

Todays events and maybe even some photos coming later...

american idol

I don't want to talk about it. Not now, at least. I might be able to find the right words to describe how I feel, at a later date. But until then... I leave you with this...

things to do before we leave

I'm gonna make a list here for myself, just in case I forget anything...

finish laundry

pack

upload all music/videos/movies to ipod

buy batteries for camera

buy healthy treats for plane/hotel

watch American Idol/vote like crazy for Jason Castro

chat with my friends

did I say pack?

fill prescriptions

tan legs with Jergens natural glow express Body Moisturizer - it really works on my pasty legs! Doesn't really make them look tan, just not so ghostly.

lappie

Ever since my sister told me she named her lap top, lappie, I have called all lap top's lappie. Random. I know. I mention this because I am currently typing this in a lappie. My dear father has allowed me to borrow his lap top to take on the trip (HOLY CRAP! We leave on Wednesday!) and he brought it over for me yesterday. Well, both my parents brought it, but still. I am forever grateful that he let me borrow it. Yes, I want to keep in touch with my friends, but that is not the only reason. I live on the computer. I did before just recently. I have had a computer since I was in like 1st or 2nd grade. I don't usually go a day without one and I don't really want to. I like being informed. I like having access to information. So, being in a hotel for 4 days with no computer is like being on a deserted island. I will not have to find out what that's like (although, if forced to, I could manage with out! I swear.), because I have one now! Maybe I will never give it back. It is so nice to sit on the couch instead of my uncomfortable desk chair!

to my sister-in-law, Linda

it's been a rough week

What with all the Idol controversy, late nights online and doctors appointments. I am exhausted. How did I ever stay up late? I feel like such an old lady. And I was only staying up until midnight (Monday, Tuesday & Thursday) and I am still so tired. Maybe its because I gave up caffeine, so I have nothing to get my thru the day. Oh well. It's been worth it.
Ok, lets recap:

American Idol - My feelings on Jason: I, selfishly, want him to stay. Who wouldn't want to keep looking at him and watching him perform? I know I do. But I honestly don't want him to win. He would be ruined by the pop idol machine. He needs to come in 3rd. That way he can get the recognition he deserves (meaning do all the talk shows, press, etc), but still be on for a little longer. We all know it should be an all David finale. That is what is destined to be. So, after this week, I might not vote anymore. Not that my few 1000 votes really make a difference, but who knows. And about the Entertainment Weekly article: 1st, the balloons were pretty weird. Fun and crazy, but weird. Especially for a humble guy not used to the attention. 2nd, Can't blame a guy for being tired and wanting to go home. For the same reason as the balloons being weird. I am sure it is an insane life and every one wants to get off the bus once in a while. So, with that. I say as long as he's around I'll be happy. But when he leaves, I will be at peace too.

late nights online - I have been chatting with my girls every nite. Such fun! We are still kinda paranoid about getting kicked off the boards again, so its been a chat room for us. But I actually don't care so much about the boards. It is full of naive people who are unrealistic. I need to deal with reality more than rainbows and balloons. The boards have their place. But it gets to be too much most days. I am so glad to have my friends who share my same opinions. We vent and so much more!!

Doctor appointment - I went to the endocrinologist yesterday. Guess what? Nothing I didn't already know. Duh! So I have insulin resistance. Not diabetes. She is gonna run some tests to determine if I am pre-diabetic or not. I will have to deal with that when we get back. And she also dropped the earth shattering bomb of "You need to lose weight." OH. Shock of shocks. I know I am being really cynical lately, but I am sorta sick of all this. I am sick and tired of being sick. I have lost 13 pounds since February. And I haven't really been trying too hard. I feel good about the weight that I have lost, but I know that I need to lose more. The new doctor wants me to work really hard on it and she thinks that it will make a major difference. She also does not believe the numbness in my extremities is related to diabetes or anything else. So, still no answers, besides the obvious. All the same conclusions are being drawn by all the doctors. They know nothing other than that I need to lose weight. I am working on that, people. Cut me some slack. I know I am slowly killing myself. I don't want to die, so the only option I am faced with is the one I have struggled with my entire life. Not much comfort to be found in that.

Oh well. I guess I gotta get some stuff together this weekend. We are leaving for the 'Nati on Wednesday (and yes, I know I will miss the results show due to our travelling. I am not pleased about this, but my friends will text me!)

i figured something out today

I decided that I am tired of defending myself and the choices I make. My life is my life. I decide what I do. I am sick of thinking what others might think about my actions before doing them. I have been so caught up in that for too long. I want the freedom to make decisions without worry about others opinions or reactions. I am not gonna become a selfish bitch. You know that will never happen. But I am really gonna stop defending myself. If you love me, you do. Why do I need to make you understand why I do what I do? I don't. I get that now. Accept me for who I am.

lets just leave it at this

Laura = happy camper!