medical update

So I would say that overall I am feeling better than I felt the whole month of February. I am still having random symptoms and pains. Last week I went back to my primary care doctor and told him and I know he thinks my symptoms are anxiety related, but I am not sure. I know that people with anxiety disorder frequently believe there are things medically wrong. I get this. But I still have things that feel medically wrong and they aren't going away. He said that he would gladly order more tests to rule more medical things out. So, I am scheduled for a EMG/NCV test, a spine x-ray and... a brain mri! The first test on Thursday and the other two on Friday. This is all because I still have pain in my shoulder, neck, left arm, left hand. Could be nerve issue. Could be MS. Yes, he mentioned ruling out multiple sclerosis. Seriously. I got what I wanted. I wanted to make 100% sure that nothing is really wrong with me. He ordered the tests. But all this is really freaking me out. I am still trying to trust my gut. My gut tells me that I am not alright. I trust the doctor, but just blaming it all on anxiety doesn't seem to work for me. Give me all the tests under the sun that show that nothing is wrong and then I will believe you. Until then, its more tests for me.

song in my head 03/30/08

Silent All These Years
by Tori Amos

why am i still up?

I actually am tired. I got up at a reasonable time and so I should be sleeping by now. But here I sit. Stuck in this chair on the damn computer.

What did we do tonite? We ordered chinese and watched The Boondock Saints. Have you seen this movie? I never have. Chris loves it and ordered the collectors addition with his birthday money. It came today from amazon, so we had to watch it. It is was surprisingly good. I thought it would be some stupid shot em up movie with a lame plot. It was a shot em up movie, but the plot was really good and it was actually quite funny. I was pleasantly surprised.

I guess I need to go try to sleep. Sleeping really hasn't been an issue lately. I haven't taken an Ambien in many weeks. I am really happy about that. I have no excuse for why I am still up now. I need to shut this down and move on to bed.
peace out.

earth hour

Tomorrow, my fair city is participating in Earth Hour.

Join thousands of people across Phoenix-and millions of people around the world-to make a bold statement about climate change on March 29th from 8 p.m. to 9 p.m.

Turn out your non-essential and non-emergency lights for one hour. Earth Hour.

I wish we were going to be home for this tomorrow. It would have been amazing to look outside and see downtown totally dark and then watch the lights come on again. Tomorrow night we are going to an awards dinner for Chris's company at Portland's. I hope they are planning on keeping the lights on. So since we will not be home, we will indirectly be participating. I think Earth Hour is a great thing if for no other reason than it gets people talking and thinking about conserving energy.

late night hotness

Am I mildly obsessing over Jason Castro? Yes. But he is just a talented kid.

Will he ever compare to this?
I think not.

Photoshoot for Best Life magazine. Here is the article and some other wonderful photos.

new sunglasses

I went to the eye doctor today for my annual check up. Hey! Finally some good news from a doctor. My eyes are in fine shape. My prescription on changed .25 in my right eye and she said it was enough to need new glasses. But I did need new sunglasses. The prescription ones I have now, I got in 2004. That was many prescriptions ago. I have trouble seeing with them now. So these are the new ones I ordered:
They are Coach. The round thing on the sides has interchangeable pieces. It comes with one with rhinestones or solid black. I should have them in about a week! woo hoo!

i'll send you the dollar

I swear I will.

Go to itunes and download the studio version of Fragile by Jason Castro from American Idol. It is sooo much better than his performance on the show this week. I keep playing it over and over.

prison break season 4 - just gets better & better!

Prison Break Stunner: Sarah Wayne Callies Returns!
Prison Break fans, prepare to seriously lose your heads.

Sarah Wayne Callies — whose rather ugly contract dispute with producers led to her apparent decapitation last October — is returning next season. Full-time. As Dr. Sara Tancredi. Head and all. Seriously.

She's coming back? She was dead. Head in a box. Dead. Guess not. That's awesome. Michael was so lost without her. Season 4 better kick ass.

super cute baby alert

Scarlett Aurora
Easter, 2008
age - 17 months
I love this kid and I haven't even met her!! I used to love that she looks so much like her daddy. It just makes me sad now, since her parents are separated. But she is still stinkin' cute!

12 months locked up!!!

T.I. Pleads Guilty to Weapons Charges

best of idol - top 10

David Cook


Syesha Mercado

I only picked Syesha, because I like to pick two favorites each week. I really like David Cook, but he keeps covering other musican's covers. This week, his version of Billie Jean is very similar to the cover Chris Cornell has done recently. This is the 3rd time he has done it this season. It's not a bad thing, but they give him props for being original. He is really good, but not original.
What is up with my boy Jason? I agree with the judges that he is being too safe. He needs to "blow them out of their socks" sometime very soon to stick around. He turned to big 2-1 yesterday! He gets cuter every week and I don't want him to leave.
And damn that Kristy Lee. She did save herself this week. She is not good, but who is gonna kick off the girl who sings the patriotic song?

My bottom 3: Chikezie, Ramiele Malubay and Carly Smithson (even though she sung my sister's favorite song!!) - with Ramiele going home.

9:37pm - edited to add: I will admit that when I first typed this post, I put Jason Castro in my bottom 3. But I felt bad that I wasn't being a good fan and changed it to Carly. If I had left it that way, I would have been 2 out of 3 again. I haven't been right about who is going home since I have been doing this. Chikezie needed to leave, so its no big deal. Jason was so cute when he said that he knew he would be in the bottom and thought about it all day.
This afternoon, I downloaded all of Jason's performances from itunes (yes, that whole thing about itunes on tonite's show was horrible!) and I have to say, his earlier stuff from top 24 was much better. He is really slacking the last couple weeks. He needs to get back on track. Hopefully a week in the bottom 3 will make him see that.
I fast forwarded thru Kimberly Locke. Was she any good? Doubt it.

how was your easter?

We didn't do a whole lot. My parents came over for dinner. We didn't want to go the traditional ham route, so Chris decided he wanted to my a bbq beef brisket. He has never cooked a brisket before, but he went all out. He smoked it. He used the propane grill and it took 10 hours. It was so tasty! He is such a good cook and we are so lucky he cooks for us. We just hung out, while Chris cooks. On Saturday night, I made a peach pie 90% from scratch. I just didn't make the crust. I used fresh peaches, not canned and it was really simple to make. It turned out very good and not too sweet; just the way you want it.
Yesterday was the 1 month anniversary of my uncle's death and my mom is still struggling with it. She was happy we got together yesterday, because it was a nice distraction.

wax on, wax off

On Friday, I finally did something that I have been wanting to do for a long time. I know I have shared before of my dislike of my random facial hair. Let's just say, I have less now. Ok, enough beating around the bush. (oooh, I didn't mean to make that joke!) I had my upper lip waxed. I was at the salon getting a pedicure and I decided that I really needed to just do it. I have needed to do it for a really long time. It really isn't that painful. The act of the waxing was nothing, but what hurt was the sting afterwards. And that didn't last long either. I have a couple red marks now, but you can't really tell that they are from waxing. I am really glad I did it.

THE BEST NEWS I'VE HEARD ALL DAY

‘Prison Break’ Season 4 Picked Up
The writer and co-executive producer confirmed on his myspace! I know that season 3 was lacking, but I pray that they do what they need to and come out blazing in season 4. No word on when it will start, but I am so happy about this.

blessings, peace and love to everyone

have a...

loving TV

There are so many shows that I love, besides American Idol. I thought I'd share the shows I am loving right now...

The First 48 - This is my favorite show on television. I love it so much. My favorites are the Phoenix episodes and the Cincinnati episodes. For obvious reasons. I like seeing crime in places I have lived or currently live.

Jon and Kate Plus 8 - This is such an awesome show. I love this family. Chris actually sat and watched the two new episodes on Monday. He stayed the whole time. That is a rare thing.

The Real Housewives of New York City - I have never watched the Orange County version, but I am loving these crazy NYC chics. They are so cliche!!

Make Me A Supermodel - This show actually isn't very good, but I am committed to it. Plus, Perry is from AZ and I think he needs to win.

America's Next Top Model - I have watched this show since the first "cycle." This is a staple for me. I love that they keep turning them out. There was only a few months between the last season and this one. My favorite from this cycle is Claire.

Top Chef - Another show I have watched since the beginning. We are only 2 episodes in to this season and my favorite is Stephanie.

Flip This House - Much better than Flip that House. My favorite flip teams are Armando & Than. Do you watch this show? Did you see episode 32? The one with the house that was burned and condemned. That house turned out amazing.

Good Eats - Another show that Chris and I watch together. I like learning about cooking even though I never apply what I learn.

Huh? I just realized that this is all non-sitcom/drama shows. Maybe that's because that is all that is on right now. But I did catch the first episode of Miss Guided and I have high hopes for it. I really like the writing and Judy Greer is awesome. My hope is that more people than just me like it and it sticks around longer than the last show she was on that I really loved, Love Monkey. There are two new episodes on tonight. Check them out.

happy 1st day of spring

best of idol - top 11

David Archuleta


David Cook
David Archuleta redeemed himself last night. He is clearly a ballad singer and not much more. But when he does ballads, he knocks them out of the park.
David Cook rocked again, but I will say that when I saw the mic with the voice box, I was very scared. And rightly so. That was really dumb and pointless. Otherwise, he is really entertaining.
The judges were right on about Jason Castro. He was not into that song at all. That boy can really sing and that did not display his talent at all. He's still my favorite, though. He is the only person I have voted for this season.

My bottom 3: Chikezie, Amanda Overmyer and Kristy Lee Cook - with Kristy going home.

03/20/08 - 6:44pm
edited to add: Again this week, I am 2 out of 3 on my bottom 3. Totally wrong on my guess to go home. Will Kristy ever leave? Who is voting for her? I never would have guessed that Amanda would have gone this soon. There was no way she was gonna win, but I thought she'd be in the top 10. Last week, I forgot to mention about the call-in questions. What the hell is that about? Just because Ryan is a DJ and can handle callers doesn't mean they should. The results shows are such a waste of time.

i really needed this today

Here is an alternate version of the Say video by John Mayer.
It's got no clips from The Bucket List, like the first video did.

On Friday, when I was out shopping, this song came on the shuffle on my ipod. I started crying. Crying so hard that I had to pull over in the Rustler's Rooste parking lot. I know I am slightly unstable right now, but the lyrics of this song are so important. I feel like there is so much loss and fear of loss in my life right now and saying what we need to say seems like something we really should do. Not just now, but always.

weekend = not so bad

After my retail therapy on Friday, I doubted that this weekend would go nice. I don't know why that is, but with all the crap that has been happening lately, I just assumed it would suck. That is not the case. Yesterday, Chris and I planted an herb garden. More like a bunch of herbs in pots in a planter raised up. with wire cubes. We bought them, I potted them and Chris rigged up a drip system to water them. We have basil, thyme, oregano, cilantro, rosemary, parsley, dill and chives. We also bought a cherry tomato plant and a banana pepper plant. I really hope that they last long enough to use them. I have a brown thumb, but I hope I can overcome that. Last night, Chris and I watched Into the Wild. He had never seen it and I could watch it over and over and over. This morning, Chris made blueberry pancakes and I spent the day making Easter cards. I didn't get any of the cleaning done that I needed to, but it was a good day anyway.

retail therapy

I was supposed to go the doctor today, but they called at 8am and said the doctor had a personal emergency and had to reschedule his appointments. So now its Monday and I am not sure I can make that one. Depends if I can get the time off.
Not going to the doctor put a wrench in my plans. I was using the appointment as a catalyst to get my shit together and be out the door. After the appointment I was gonna go to a couple places and get some things done (car wash, oil change, etc). No appointment means no rush to get out the door. Slacking ensues. I finally got out of the house a little after 1pm. I still managed to get a little shopping done, but nothing else.
So what I did do today was a little retail therapy.
I ordered a couple soaps from LUSH - this, this and this. Those are awesome, but I was bummed to find out that they no longer sell my favorite scented soap, Gratuitous Violets.
While I was out, I stopped at Bath & Body Works and picked up more soap. But this time it was the antibacterial hand soap. They have them for $3 right now! I got this, this, this and this.
Next stop was the philosophy store. I love that I live near the only store they have! I was a really good girl and only bought this. It smells amazing and limey!! I love the new gelees. I also went to joann's and bought a bunch of gel pens. I use them at work. I color with them. I don't really like crayons. I prefer the gel pens and I go thru them a lot. I was running low and needed to restock.
Fun day. I spent money, but I was really good at controlling myself. I am working hard on my shopping addiction. A day like today would have been 100 times worse, a few months ago. But you need to splurge just a little every once in a while.

woo hoo!

Refund Status Results

Your tax refund is scheduled to be direct deposited on March 17, 2008. If your refund is not credited to your account by March 22, 2008, check with your bank to find out if it has been received. Please wait until March 22, 2008 before you contact us again because we are unable to take any action until then.

the results

Today I got test results from my colonoscopy last week (last week? it seems like I had that weeks ago!). Negative. Benign. All good. I have to have another one in 5 years and probably 5 years after that, etc etc. But for now, I am cancer free. At least colon cancer free.

I struggle with the excitement I feel over my negative results while my aunt is still in the hospital dealing with her positive results. They are not sure if it is ovarian, but there is malignancy somewhere in the general abdomen area. She is still waiting to see the specialist that she has been waiting for 3 days to see. So that is still so up in the air.

I am going to my PC tomorrow to talk about the numbness that I am still having in my face and arms. I will be willing to bet you a million dollars that he is gonna tell me it is all anxiety related and that there really isn't anything (other than what we have already figured out) wrong with me.

---

from helpguide.org...
Signs and symptoms of anxiety disorders
The primary symptoms of anxiety disorders are fear and worry. However, anxiety disorders are also characterized by additional emotional and physical symptoms.

Emotional/Psychological Symptoms
* Apprehension, uneasiness, and dread - yup
* Impaired concentration or selective attention
* Feeling restless or on edge - yup
* Avoidance - yup
* Hypervigilance
* Irritability - yup
* Confusion
* Behavioral problems (especially in children and adolescents)
* Nervousness and jumpiness - yup
* Self-consciousness and insecurity - yup
* Fear that you are dying or going crazy - BIG TIME!!!
* Strong desire to escape - yup

Physical Symptoms
* Heart palpitations or racing heartbeat - yup
* Chest pain - yup
* Hot flashes or chills - yup
* Cold and clammy hands - yup
* Stomach upset or queasiness - yup
* Frequent urination or diarrhea - yup
* Shortness of breath
* Sweating
* Dizziness
* Tremors, twitches, and jitters - see, told you
* Muscle tension or aches - yup
* Headaches - yup
* Fatigue - yup
* Insomnia - yup, but this is getting better. After going back on the Ambien, I haven't taken it in a week!! woo hoo!

I gotta start calling psychologists. My sister gave me a good idea to get recommendations from my PC tomorrow and then start calling again. I tried calling around the list doctors on my insurance website, but there are so many that I didn't know where to start. I called a few from work and realized that was not the place to be making those phone calls. Hopefully the doctor can give me some references and that will make it easier.

But hey, no cancer for me!

i get it

Sheriff: Woman Sat on Toilet for 2 Years
You know, this situation doesn't seem all that crazy to me. Ok, the fact that she was stuck to the toilet, yes. But I get that she needed a place where she felt safe. I get that it is difficult to leave the house. I understand what that's like. I know that it's easier to not deal at all. It's not the best way or the healthiest, but I understand the inclination. I just feel bad for her. And her life will forever be altered because of the news coverage. Her name is out there for all the hear. I really feel bad for her.

best of idol - top 12

Brooke White


David Cook

but did he rip off another band's cover? do you even care if he did?

My fav, Jason Castro was good. Not great, but good. He is so cute in a dirty hippy kinda way.

My bottom 3: both Davids and Kristy Lee Cook - with Kristy going home.
Sorry about having David Archuleta in my bottom 3, but that performance was not good.

10:05pm - edited to add: 2 out of 3 on my bottom 3. Totally wrong on my guess for going home. The stripper heads back to the club. Hehe. I can joke about it, because he is from AZ. What a tool!
And how cute was Jason Castro when he was answering the question? He is my new favorite hippy!!

more evidence this year sucks

My aunt Carolyn is in the hospital. She has been dealing with colon cancer for the last couple years. She went to the hospital yesterday with severe pain in her abdomen. Apparently there was excess fluid and they were trying to drain it. They also found more cancer. Ovarian cancer. She is having tests today to verify this and to determine what stage the cancer is. We should know more today. This is so crappy. My mom is still dealing with the death of her brother and now her sister is in the hospital with cancer again.
I don't know why all this is happening to my family. I hate it and I wish the misery would stop!

Sister - call Mom at work. She tried to call you, but couldn't reach you. She was at the hospital all night yesterday.

SNL last night

This was the funniest thing I have seen in a really long time...
Amy Poehler is amazing.

finding the good

I have been so down and so negative lately. I am struggling to find the positives in life. Today has some good things and some not so good...

I finished the taxes and e-filed them. But only after the internet connection went down right as I was sending them off. That's just my luck. But once the internet was back up, I was able to send them again without issue. Now I can get my refunds and my extra $1200!

There is a marathon of Say Yes to the Dress on TLC. I love this show.

I found out a week or so ago that friends of ours have separated. He cheated. This is so terrible. They are the parents of the beautiful baby that I always post about. She has moved back in with her parents and the baby and we don't know where he is yet. We knew something was going on, because we have been trying to reach them since September. But that was when all this went down and so that explains why we haven't been able to. The only good I can find in this whole situation is the beautiful smile of their gorgeous 16 month old, Scarlett:

shit list

When it freaking rains it freaking pours.

My dad is getting laid off from his job. He found out yesterday, the day before his birthday. His company is gonna outsource his job. He might be able to get hired by the outsource company, but who knows. He might have a job until June, but who knows. They haven't given a lot of details yet.

My sister's ex has started the annulment process. I know she would be pleased if their marriage was annulled, but it sucks so bad that she has to go thru the process.

My mom is still upset about the death of her brother. Not that you would expect someone to be over it in a week or anything. I just hate that my family is going thru so much turmoil right now.

I got a $715 bill from the emergency room visit I made last month. I called my insurance company and they said that they just got the bill and it is still pending with them. They might still pay it. I hope to god they do.

Still no word from the gastro on my results from yesterday. Not that I thought I would hear so soon, but I am getting more anxious about it.

I have to work tomorrow. I am usually off on Fridays, but I have to work tomorrow to make up for being off yesterday.

The degree of horribleness decreases as you go down the list, but all these things are not good. Suck. suck. suck. suck.

to my dad

No actual Ladybugs are harmed in the making of our sandwiches!

On the way to the doctor today, I noticed the perfect place for my mom and I to get lunch. Ladybug House of Sandwiches. How perfect is that??? My nickname from my mom is Ladybug. That's why I have the ladybug tattoo. I have always been known as that and I love ladybugs because of it. So, we got lunch from there today. There is no one else I could have gone there with. The food was great. And they had ladybug jewelry! My mom bought me a super cute bracelet. What a fun little find!

it's over

TO DO LIST:
Colonoscopy

It was painful. I was not sedated as much as I believed I would be. So, there was pain involved. The doctor found a polyp. He is testing it and I should know in about a week. He didn't seem concerned. I am trying to stay positive too. Due to the lack of sedation, I recovered very quickly. There was gas pain involved in the recovery, but nothing I haven't gone thru before. After it was over, my mom & I went and got sandwiches to go. I hadn't eaten since Monday morning and that was only a 100 calorie pack of muffins. When we got home, we ate and watched Into the Wild. My mom had never seen it before. She gets it now.
I ended up not drinking all 4 liters of that crap yesterday. I drink about 3 liters. I struggled with it the rest of the night. I had the conditions that the instructions said would happen after drinking it all and so I decided to stop. I know I should have drank it all, but trust me it was so difficult. I am glad it's over. And I am feeling better today then I have felt in a week. Lets just hope the results are ok...

best of idol - boys top 8

Jason Castro


David Cook


My picks to go with week: Luke Menard & Chikezie.

i gotta drink all of it?

I started preparing for my colonoscopy 2 hours ago. Yes, stop right there to avoid TMI. You gotta drink this whole 4 liter jug of crap that tastes like super watered down skim milk with tons of salt in it and artificial cherry flavoring. I had to stop drinking it about 35 minutes ago, because I thought I was going to vomit. Apparently 50% of people who take this crap experience nausea and even less, vomiting. I have yet to vomit, but I have stopped drinking for a little bit, because the instructions say so. Also, it says the side effects subside quickly. Not quick enough. This is horrible.
I have learned in the last month or so that I have a lower pain threshold then I thought I had. I am a freaking wimp when it comes to pain. I can deal with my IBS stuff, but I hate vomiting with a passion. I need to go try to drink more of that crap now.

On a much better note, my DVD of Into the Wild came a day early. I already watched the bonus disc (which was highly disappointing) and I plan on watching the movie tomorrow after all this is over. It'll give me something to look forward to.

to the love of my life