i'm not who i was

I have been thinking a lot lately about life and things and whatnot. Mainly because I am starting therapy tomorrow. I have already been to the shrink, but he is mostly just for diagnosis and meds. Tomorrow, I meet with the therapist for "talk therapy." I guess I am getting prepared. But I feel like I have changed a lot recently. I think it comes from finding people I can really talk to and people who understand me. I have made friends for the first time in a really long time and I love them. Sure, they are online, but that does not make them any less of a friend. I talk to them more than I would talk to my real life friends, anyway. I actually talk to many of them on the phone too. Talked to Colleen for over an hour last night. That being said, making friends is good for the soul. Having people that get you is really refreshing. Sure my family and Chris get me, but it is different. I am not sure that the changes I see in myself are strictly based on meeting new people. I think that I am dealing with difficult situations much better than I used to. The whole thing with my dad has been really difficult, but I am dealing and trying to stay positive.
Wait, I am taking anti-depressants, aren't I? Does that explain it all away? I don't really think so. I have a "med check" appointment on Monday and I don't know what to say. Do I think the pills are working? I have no idea? I don't really notice a major difference. But I know that I have not really been totally depressed lately. I have been in angry moods, but that is just normal stuff. Anxiety? Not really. I think I stayed really calm while dealing with my dad in the hospital. I did not freak out at all and haven't. That is really the most major thing to deal with lately and I am dealing well.
I like who I am now. I think that is a major thing for me to say. For the longest time, I didn't. I felt fake and that I put on acts for people. I wanted so badly for people to like me. And when that wasn't happening, I was hating myself and wanted to die. Yes, I said that and I meant it. Then I just got in a funk and didn't care about much at all and had no hope in life left. I guess its true that when you stop caring if people like you, you meet people who do. It's strange to think that had I not watched American Idol, seen Jason Castro, gone online on that particular day, posted in that thread on the forum and gotten banned, I would not be where I am today. My friends and I have called it fate and I actually believe that to be the case. I have even said that Jason and his music have saved my life. That may sound really silly, but all that has happened as a result has changed me and gave me a renewed sense of myself and that life is worth living.