i want to quit my job

I hate it there. There is such drama with it and I really don't want to deal with it.
Here is the deal. When I believed I was pregnant (and for all intents and purposes, I was pregnant), I was not feeling well and missed a few days of work. At my job, you can only have so many absences before they fire you. I was about 3 or 4 from that point, but after missing those days when I was pregnant, they would have put me over the edge. But I was not concerned, because when you are pregnant you are eligible for FMLA and that would cover those missed days. Now, since I miscarried, its like I was never pregnant in the first place and those days will not be covered under FMLA. That means, my only hope is the consideration of my boss to not fire me for the absences. I am currently on a leave of absence until Monday, but I am not sure what my status will be when I go back. I keep leaving messages for my boss to call me if she needs to talk to me, but she hasn't called. I can take that as good or bad. Good that there is no issues, or bad that she wants to tell me in person. I think they will be understanding of my situation, but it will be very awkward going back and not knowing what it up. I would much rather not go back at all. I know that is not a reasonable thing right now. But that is what I want to do.

prison break update

Season 2 DVD still comes out Sept 4th, but the new season starts Sept 17th! Thank goodness. That leaves me less than 2 weeks to get caught up on season 2 before season 3 starts. This is an update, because the previous info I had was that season 3 started August 27th. That would have sucked. But this is much better!

song in my head 07/30/07

Belief by John Mayer
Live Earth performance, 07/07/07

this is my favorite version, though...

from The Village Sessions

I love it when I get songs I love stuck in my head.

the real reason i smile and get up every morning...

This was taken 10 years ago, by my dear friend Kearsten.
Chris was in town for a visit and we went around town and she took tons of photos of us. Since it was 10 years ago this summer, that these were taken, I decided I needed to share them. I am gonna scan the others and post more later.
But as I said in the post title... this is the love of my life. I talk about the hotness and other boys, but this is the man I love. This is the reason I get out of bed every morning. This is the person who has been my best friend for over 13 years. I drive him crazy and annoy the hell out of him (and vice versa!), but there is no one else on earth I would rather be with. No one.

edited to add: Here are the rest of the photos. I love them all!

more stuff to smile at

An exclusive behind-the-scenes look at John's current tour, featuring video footage and interviews with John, his band and his crew backstage, at the soundcheck and more! (from Fender.)

This just so happens to have been recorded here; at the show I went to in June. Woo hoo! That's why it's getting posted.

big brother 8 - 07/30/07

**warning - spoilers**

I hate them all right now!

Let me just get to the spoiler... Jameka is gonna use the veto and take Jen off. Dustin is gonna nominate Nick and they are gonna vote Nick out.

I am so addicted to this season, its not even funny. I even went so far as to sign up for Showtime just so I can watch Big Brother After Dark. I record it and watch it in the mornings. I also read the message boards for the live feed updates. I live for this right now. I will admit that my current obsession with it is not really healthy. I always get like this for certain things. I need to get a life, but I am not quite sure how to accomplish that at this time. But that's another story for another time.

So, the house has lost their minds! Dick, Daniele, Dustin, Amber, Jessica, Eric and Jameka are in an alliance, even though they won't admit that is what it is. There is conflict between them, so I don't know how long it will last. But for this week, they organized and all came to the decision to get rid of Nick. Most of them are saying it is because it will be best for Daniele. They think they need to protect her. Daniele (and Amber too) are not happy about voting Nick out, but she is going along with the house (for now). I am so sad. I love Nick. Yes, he can be a jerk and he needs to get his head right when it comes to Daniele. But her actions speak louder than her words (ie. making out with his just this morning under the covers!!). Nick is the reason I watch the show. He is eye candy and a half. He is really a good guy and they are scared for him, in more ways than one. I am just dreading the next few days.
I think he knows something is up, too. This was him early this morning:
He still thinks they are gonna put Zach up, because he keeps asking Dustin about it. But I think he is concerned about the late night chats that the alliance has. See, Nick goes to bed around 11:30 or so every night. The alliance has meetings, usually around 1 or 2am. He has never really been a part of that. He has reason for concern, because it was Saturday night that they came up with the idea of getting rid of him.

BOO HISS!!! I would like to say that I am gonna stop watching when the get rid of Nick, but I cannot say that. I will keep watching. But I think I will lay off the message boards a little and reconsider keeping Showtime all summer. Those fools are not that interesting without the eye candy.

3:29pm PST - edited to add: They did it. Nick is on the block. He is gonna go home, unless we can all get together and force Eric to vote for Kail to get evicted. That is our only hope. If America's Player has to vote for Kail, then I believe Eric will try to sway the vote that way. He does not want to stand out in the crowd by voting against the house, so he will try to get them to vote out Kail. Please god, let that happen! We all have to vote for Eric to evict Kail on Tuesday night!!!
And one more thing. Now that Nick is nominated, Amber is crying up a storm (duh!). Nick is the one trying to console her!!!!!!! She orchestrated his nomination and he is consoling her??? I hate Amber soooo much.

edited to add - 4:40pm PST: Here's video of Amber crying, holding onto Nick's leg and him consoling her. This goes on for more than the length of this video... she is freaking insane. She is also telling him that she didn't know Dustin was gonna put him up! What a liar!!!!!


edited to add - 6:32pm PST: Nick shaved his head (with help from Dustin). He now has a lovely mohawk. He's been talking about doing this for over a week, so it is not a reaction to his inevitable eviction. I will have to see how it looks on After Dark tonight... but here is a grainy photo:

tonight's episode: so you think you can dance

I just knew that when they started talking about the solo dance with Wade Robson, that the song would be Waiting on the World to Change. I have no problem hearing that song 10 times in one show. Love it! And the dance ain't bad either.
Btw, my favorite dancer is Dominic.

edited to add: Even though Dominic is my favorite dancer, he didn't do so great last night. Here is the best performance of the night, Lauren's solo:

edited again to add: I may be slow on this, but I just found out that Lauren is from Scottsdale, AZ! We rule on reality shows.

it seems I was gone too long

My site traffic has dramatically decreased lately and I know that is because I was not blogging. I had my reasons, but I hope that people come back...

another reason to smile

The hotness (pre-hair cut, pre-break up) in GQ. read the article here.

I still like the last one I posted better, but these work too.

have you Simpsonized yourself?

Everybody's doing it...hehe. That's a bluetooth in the ear!
Try it.

what a relief

I am glad I finally blogged about what has been going on with me. I do feel better having put that information out into the world. There have been things I've felt like blogging about, but just haven't felt like I could. So, expect me to get back to basics... meaning all John Mayer (and other boys) all the time.

And did you notice the new photo on the sidebar? --->
My sister took that in Jamaica.

a reason to smile

I am telling you... when I just saw this, I just about screamed and woke the husband up. I had to cover my mouth. This is gorgeous. A little too posed and pretty, but works for me!


New celeb Gap ads
Do you recognize this guy? A new fall Gap ad campaign, called Classics Redefined, features 12 black and white Annie Leibovitz portraits of stars. Each portrait is numbered to highlight 12 wardrobe essentials Gap things you'll need this fall. Here, John Mayer wears the $39.50 Sweater Vest.

Other celebs in the campaign include Sarah Silverman in The Wide Leg Trouser ($49.50), Lucy Liu wearing a Little Black Sweater Dress ($59.50) and Ken Watanabe in The Tailored White Shirt ($39.50). The photos will appear in the September issues of national magazines.

the only way out is through

Here it is. Why I've been avoiding blogging...

I had another miscarriage.

The first was in October 2006.

This time I was 8 1/2 weeks along.

The reason I hadn't been blogging is because I had a rough time after finding out I was pregnant. I actually found out on June 13th (the same day as the John Mayer show I went to; making that day completely incredible.). After I found out, I really laid low. After losing the first baby, I was trying not get caught up in it. But it was impossible for me to not deal with it. I was so tried all the time and very nauseous. I even had some spotting for a few days. But with every passing day, I gained more confidence. After I made it past the 7th week (the time I had the first miscarriage), I felt better. No one knows this... Every night when I went to bed, I would pray, "Please God, just give me one more day." It seemed to be working. But two days before my first pre-natal doctors appointment, I had really bad pain. I couldn't sleep, it was so bad. But there was not blood. I just thought that maybe it was bad gas or something. At least that's what I tried to convince myself of. But I knew something wasn't right. The day before the appointment, I told Chris that I wanted to go to the appointment and just tell me to do the ultrasound before talking to me about being pregnant and asking me all the questions, because if there wasn't anything there the questions would be pointless. How did I know? I just knew. I didn't want to know. At the appointment on the 12th, I tried to act like everything was fine. I didn't say anything and went along with the nurse's questions. Then she started the ultrasound. Chris was with me in the room. She said that she couldn't see anything in the gestational sac. There was one there, but she couldn't see the fetus. She called in the ultrasound pro of the office to try to see if she could get a picture of the baby. But there was nothing there. After the ultrasound, the nurse told me that she believed I had what's called a blighted ovum. She said that I needed to come back in a week for another ultrasound to see if anything has changed. She did say there was a chance that I was not as far along as I thought and that's why the baby wasn't visible, but I knew that wasn't the case. See, I knew there was nothing there. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I knew. Last Monday, I started bleeding and cramping badly. I called the doctor and went in that afternoon. The sac that had been large on Thursday was like a deflated balloon and it was over. No chance. I knew that and had been dealing with the loss since that Thursday. No dealing well, but not holding out any hope. I will say that after the first doctors appointment I started praying that my body would take care of the situation on its own. If nothing had happened in a week after the appointment, I was going to have a d & c, so that I wouldn't have to live with feeling pregnant and knowing that I wasn't. I really didn't want to have to go thru that and so I am happy that my body took care of it. So physically, I am ok. I still have to go thru more blood work to make sure my hCG hormone level decreases. But I am sure that will be ok too. For some reason, my body recovers well from miscarriages, but I just can't seem to keep a baby. All the clichés don't work this time. Before, I could believe that hey, I got pregnant once, I can get pregnant again. Blah blah blah. I did get pregnant again and this one didn't work either.
I am stuck in the anger. I have hardly cried at all. I know this is not good. I know that I am dealing with this all wrong. I just push it all down and pretend its not there. But if I can't get past the anger, I don't know what I will do. I tell people I am ok, because that is the easiest way to be for me. Some people find anger easier, but not me. Being positive is more comfortable to me, even if its not my true feelings.
I am starting to doubt if motherhood is something I am meant to do. I have been in this holding pattern. Waiting to become a mother for my life to start. Maybe I just need to get a life and face my reality. That is way easier said than done.

So, that's that. For now.

Out is Through by Alanis Morissette

This is the song of the month.
More later...

hey now you're an all star

Tonight is the Home Run Derby. That is the best part of the whole deal. The game usually is pretty boring. The pitching is great, the hitting is great, etc. As it should be. But I am excited for tonight's event. In fact, it starts in just a minute so I need to be wrapping this up.

song in my head 07/09/07

Big Girls Dont Cry by Fergie
This song has actually been in my head for about 3 days now! I can't stand her. But I love that Milo Ventimiglia is in the video. He's cool.

live earth

Are you watching this today?
If you are not, at least tune in around 5-6pm EST (2-3pm PST) to see the hotness. woo hoo!
So you know where I will be today.

edited to add: photos from the show


source
Loving the aviators. Should say "How HOT is your Mayer?" Neat.

edited to add again: He later performed with The Police (along with Kanye West). I was lucky to catch the performance on the NBC broadcast. After I saw John and Dave Matthews Band, I sorta stopped watching it. But I was clicking around and stopped to see what they were still showing and... lucky me!

i am still alive

I am just still not feeling real well. I spend most of my days sleeping or laying down.
More later. Just wanted to check in.