I was just laying in bed and I cannot seem to fall asleep. I can't shut my brain off.
I feel like my life is in crisis. That might be too dramatic of a word, but I can't really think of any other word that would describe it any better. I still don't know what is gonna happen with work. I should tomorrow. I sorta don't care. I know that I don't want to be fired, but if it happens, it happens. I do know that I don't want to be there anymore and getting fired would not upset me. I just don't want to have to deal with being fired from one place when I apply somewhere else. That's really all I am concerned about. Sure, I would have to find another job and that new job would not be the same hours or all that I have now, but I think I need a change. I am at this major crossroad right now. I have been thru so much physically and emotionally in the last year that I don't know how I survived. Two miscarriages in one year. My god. I never really thought about that. I thought I was bouncing back from this one so much better than the last. But I am now afraid that it is coming at me in a delayed reaction. I need to get a life. I need to find where I belong. I need to find out who the hell I am. I told my sister that I feel like I have no identity. I think that for so long I believed I would be a mother and I wrapped my being into that. Who am I? Someones mother. Maybe that is not the best way to be, but that's how I saw myself. How do you deal with the reality of never becoming who or what you thought you would be? I know I am not the only one to have this happen to them. But it's happening to me and I have deal with these feelings. I don't know for sure if I will ever have a baby. I don't know for sure if I can or if I can't. But I need to deal with what I am looking at right now. And right now, I feel like I am nothing. I am a waste of space. Yes, I am depressed. Yes. I know. I don't want to die, if you were concerned. At times I feel very useless and think death might be better than this, but I won't go down that road again. I promise. I feel more like I need to change things. Start fresh. How do you do that? I need to get my head right. That I do know. I need to work some shit out. But this is not going to be a quick fix. This is like long term, life stuff. And the worst part is that it's all in my own head. That's really what has to change. How I view things and think about things. Once I can do that, the rest should fall into place. I need to get my health straightened out. I am killing myself. I am getting to the point where certain things are difficult to do. All my life, I have been heavy. But I was always able to deal with it, because it never really put limitations on me. There were things that I couldn't do because of my weight, but those were things I didn't want to do anyway. But now, that's not the case. There are things I want to do, but I know that I can't. That scares the shit out of me. But do I use that as motivation to get it together? No. My sister said something to me when I was pregnant. She doesn't know this, but it has stayed with me and hunted me. She said that if pregnancy is not a good enough excuse to eat right, nothing is. Those were not the exact words, but that was the point she was making. Why that haunts me is I was trying to eat right, but not enough. I was pregnant and knew that I needed to eat right for the baby and still I wasn't doing it. What the hell is wrong with me? What more motivation do I need? I really don't know. This is becoming a major issue with me. It goes back to me needing to get my head right. I can eat right. I can lose weight. And god knows I need to. But I am stuck. Stuck. Why? I don't know. How to get unstuck? I don't know. I am gonna be 30. If that ain't a life crossroad, I don't know what is. I don't think I can do this on my own. But the last time I tried therapy (god, that was close to 15 years ago!), it didn't work. I stopped going after a couple visits, because I felt like I could get myself together, better on my own. And I really did. Not completely together (clearly), but I managed to make it another 15 years without feeling therapy is the only option. I need to just break down and make the call. But what I really want is someone to give me the answers. A shrink ain't gonna do that. I know I need to find the answers myself. Maybe a shrink can help with that.
God. There is so much more I need to get off my chest. But I am afraid that I have scared my family too much with this already.
But I will say one more thing. I miss God in my life. For the last 8 1/2 years I have been to church only a hand full of times. I used to say that I don't need to sit in a church every Sunday to know God. But I don't know God at all right now. Getting my ass back to church might help. I don't think it can hurt. I know my mom is jumping up and down in her chair right now. She has wanted me to go back to church ever since I stopped going. She didn't talk to me for days when I told her I wasn't getting married in the church and it has been an issue with us ever since. I am not saying that I am committing to going back. But I know that I need something different in my life and maybe that is one of things.
I have to try to get some sleep. I have to deal with the fall out from work tomorrow.
Congrats to über hottie, James Blake for his win in the 2nd round of the US Open tonight. He played his butt off and deserved to win. I love watching him play and I hope he wins it all. If not, I won't be watching much more of the US Open. I really only like watching James and Andy Roddick. Watching girls and the older foreign dudes kinda creeps me out.
And in case you we wondering (why would you ever wonder this? it is so out there in left field!)... there is a hotness connection here. They went to the same high school and are good friends. There must have been something in the water at Fairfield Warde High School, in Fairfield, CT. Such cute boys.
