can't sleep

I was just laying in bed and I cannot seem to fall asleep. I can't shut my brain off.
I feel like my life is in crisis. That might be too dramatic of a word, but I can't really think of any other word that would describe it any better. I still don't know what is gonna happen with work. I should tomorrow. I sorta don't care. I know that I don't want to be fired, but if it happens, it happens. I do know that I don't want to be there anymore and getting fired would not upset me. I just don't want to have to deal with being fired from one place when I apply somewhere else. That's really all I am concerned about. Sure, I would have to find another job and that new job would not be the same hours or all that I have now, but I think I need a change. I am at this major crossroad right now. I have been thru so much physically and emotionally in the last year that I don't know how I survived. Two miscarriages in one year. My god. I never really thought about that. I thought I was bouncing back from this one so much better than the last. But I am now afraid that it is coming at me in a delayed reaction. I need to get a life. I need to find where I belong. I need to find out who the hell I am. I told my sister that I feel like I have no identity. I think that for so long I believed I would be a mother and I wrapped my being into that. Who am I? Someones mother. Maybe that is not the best way to be, but that's how I saw myself. How do you deal with the reality of never becoming who or what you thought you would be? I know I am not the only one to have this happen to them. But it's happening to me and I have deal with these feelings. I don't know for sure if I will ever have a baby. I don't know for sure if I can or if I can't. But I need to deal with what I am looking at right now. And right now, I feel like I am nothing. I am a waste of space. Yes, I am depressed. Yes. I know. I don't want to die, if you were concerned. At times I feel very useless and think death might be better than this, but I won't go down that road again. I promise. I feel more like I need to change things. Start fresh. How do you do that? I need to get my head right. That I do know. I need to work some shit out. But this is not going to be a quick fix. This is like long term, life stuff. And the worst part is that it's all in my own head. That's really what has to change. How I view things and think about things. Once I can do that, the rest should fall into place. I need to get my health straightened out. I am killing myself. I am getting to the point where certain things are difficult to do. All my life, I have been heavy. But I was always able to deal with it, because it never really put limitations on me. There were things that I couldn't do because of my weight, but those were things I didn't want to do anyway. But now, that's not the case. There are things I want to do, but I know that I can't. That scares the shit out of me. But do I use that as motivation to get it together? No. My sister said something to me when I was pregnant. She doesn't know this, but it has stayed with me and hunted me. She said that if pregnancy is not a good enough excuse to eat right, nothing is. Those were not the exact words, but that was the point she was making. Why that haunts me is I was trying to eat right, but not enough. I was pregnant and knew that I needed to eat right for the baby and still I wasn't doing it. What the hell is wrong with me? What more motivation do I need? I really don't know. This is becoming a major issue with me. It goes back to me needing to get my head right. I can eat right. I can lose weight. And god knows I need to. But I am stuck. Stuck. Why? I don't know. How to get unstuck? I don't know. I am gonna be 30. If that ain't a life crossroad, I don't know what is. I don't think I can do this on my own. But the last time I tried therapy (god, that was close to 15 years ago!), it didn't work. I stopped going after a couple visits, because I felt like I could get myself together, better on my own. And I really did. Not completely together (clearly), but I managed to make it another 15 years without feeling therapy is the only option. I need to just break down and make the call. But what I really want is someone to give me the answers. A shrink ain't gonna do that. I know I need to find the answers myself. Maybe a shrink can help with that.
God. There is so much more I need to get off my chest. But I am afraid that I have scared my family too much with this already.
But I will say one more thing. I miss God in my life. For the last 8 1/2 years I have been to church only a hand full of times. I used to say that I don't need to sit in a church every Sunday to know God. But I don't know God at all right now. Getting my ass back to church might help. I don't think it can hurt. I know my mom is jumping up and down in her chair right now. She has wanted me to go back to church ever since I stopped going. She didn't talk to me for days when I told her I wasn't getting married in the church and it has been an issue with us ever since. I am not saying that I am committing to going back. But I know that I need something different in my life and maybe that is one of things.
I have to try to get some sleep. I have to deal with the fall out from work tomorrow.