I am not sure if I should even be blogging this. But I am at a loss today. I feel like I had been making such progress in dealing with my anxiety. But last night, I took a major step back. Laying in bed last night, I had another panic attack. It was the first major one I have had in a few months. All the usual physical symptoms... But then I got really angry at myself. I was mad that I was having it. My "self talk" was out of control. The angrier I got at myself, the worse pain I was in. I forced myself to lay there and eventually I fell asleep. I woke up today and have been depressed ever since. I cannot shake the funk today. I am so upset that I had a panic attack. I know that its not the worse thing that could happen. But I just hoped all this was behind me. And then it smacks me in the face. I have therapy tomorrow, which is good, because I need it now. I just don't want to lose all the progress that I have made. I don't want to slip back to that person I used to be. I look outside at the world and it scares me again. I am sure that this has a lot to do with the break in of my car. I feel violated and not safe in my own house. Augh.
Compounded with this, one of my friends gave me some bad news. It's her business, so I am not sharing it, but it is not good. She will now have to deal with some not fun stuff. I feel so bad for her. I wish I could do something. It just contributes to my helpless feelings.
I am not posting this for advice or sympathy. I just needed to put the words out in the world. This is a process I am going thru. Its my damn life.
1 comment:
Well, it is progress that there was space in between this time. It is good that there is therapy tomorrow. You're probably right -- the break in was a trigger. If there is any way to treat yourself more kindly, I hope you find your way to that space / place.
I love you.
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