this week

This week has been really long and strenuous. Tuesday night was a dinner at my parents house for my cousins and aunts. My cousins came to town to deal with their father's death and my mom and her sister's wanted everyone to get together before the memorial. I saw... no, more like... met a cousin of mine, Vince, who I haven't seen probably since I was in kindergarten. He is older than me (I am the youngest grandchild on both sides of my family) and is married with two kids of his own and two step kids. His wife came to town with him and we all got to met her. His sister, my cousin Wendi, came to town too. It has only been 2 years since I have seen her. They all met up with their step sister, Randy, who my uncle considered one of his kids. She lives not far from my parents. They all had already dealt with gathering my uncles belongings and remains. He was cremated up north were he died. It was so nice to have this dinner to spend time with a part of my family I don't even really know. I know my aunts, because they live close and I see them often. But my cousins don't even know me. They wouldn't have recognized me if they saw me on the street, except for Wendi.
I tried to take some photos of the gathering, but it was such a somber occasion that I just took a wide shot of them talking.
My cousin Vince has the exact same voice as his father. It was so creepy to be in another room in the house and hear him talking. It is exactly the same. He has the same eyes and nose and my mom says he has the same hands as his father. They tell us that their youngest son looks just like my uncle too. His name is Tyler. They said that for Halloween he dressed up as a shark and named himself The Great White Sharkey. Sharkey is their last name (my mom's maiden name).
Wednesday afternoon was the memorial service at a funeral home. All my other cousins (those that couldn't make it Tuesday night) were there, along with friends of my uncle. My cousin Wendi's husband, Cole, led the service. He had everyone go around the room and say who they were and what their relation was to my uncle. After that, anyone who wanted to shared stories. It was only about an hour long, but it was really nice. There were pictures on poster boards showing him all thru his life. There was this one family group shot that was taken at my grandparents house that had all my aunts and uncle, spouses and all of us kids. I was front and center on the floor, smiling with my pigtails in braids, because I has probably been swimming. It was an awesome photo. My mom has a copy of it. I need to scan it so I can have a copy too.
Yesterday, my mom, dad, her sister and my cousins went up north to a ranch that my uncle used to work at and scattered his ashes. I had to work yesterday, so I didn't get to go. But my mom said it was really nice to see where he is now. My uncle had said that ranch was where he wanted his ashes to be.
It has been a tough week, but more so for my mom. She lost her brother. He had a very hard life, but he lived the life he wanted and will always be a cowboy.

edited to add: My uncle's saddle, hat and boots were on display at the memorial and I took this photo of it.

beat it - fall out boy ft. john mayer

I am not a huge Fall Out Boy fan (actually, not at all), but you gotta love a Michael Jackson cover featuring someone you do like. Enjoy.
**warning - it plays very loud!**

2008 Oscars - best dressed

here are my favorites, in order...

2008 Oscars - worst dressed

hover over the photo for my opinions...

into the wild on dvd

My favorite movie of the last few years, Into the Wild, is coming out on DVD on March 4th. I already ordered it and it should arrive the day of my colonoscopy. Fun to mark dates by medical proceedures. That's not an old person thing at all. Anyway, I am glad its coming that day and I plan to watch it while I recover. :)

I know you are waiting for my Best/Worst dressed from the Oscars and I will get on that when I get home tonight!

in mourning

I got a call this morning that I was not expecting at all. My mother called to tell me that her brother, my uncle John, died yesterday. He had a heart attack. He was 57 years old. He would have turned 58 a week from today. What can you say to something you don't see coming? It was not the call I was expecting. My cousins are supposedly putting together a memorial service, but it is all still so soon...
I was not very close with him, because he always lived out of the city. He was not a city dweller, like the rest of us. He was a true cowboy and lived that life until the day he died. He will always be remembered for that and since that was all he ever wanted to be, it seems fitting.

RIP John Sharkey

saturday leftovers

According to my dad, my grandma is "doing better." What that actually means is anyones guess. But apparently they are moving her to a regular room tomorrow. After that, we can get more info on her and my dad can talk to her. Told you she was tough.

The Academy Awards are tomorrow. It's one of the biggest days of the year for me, because I live for this stuff. It's not like I throw a party or anything, but I really get into the Oscars. For the last 3 years I have gone to see all of the films nominated for best picture. I saw the last of the 5 yesterday. I saved No Country For Old Men for last, because everyone is predicting it is going to win. After seeing all the films, my favorite was Juno. It was the best overall. There were parts of all the other films that made me understand why they were nominated, but in my opinion Juno is the best. Besides the outfits and the awards, I am looking forward to 2 of the musical performances. Amy Adams is performing Happy Working Song and Kristin Chenoweth is performing That's How You Know, both from Enchanted. Amy Adams sings both songs in the movie, but they got Kristin Chenoweth to sing the other song. Nice choice! Can't wait for tomorrow.

The Independent Spirit Awards were today. Juno won best picture and Ellen Page won best actress. Woot! Since I don't have IFC channel, I will have to watch them tonite on AMC when the re-air them. I don't know if I can stay awake that late, but I will try. Also at the awards, Angelina Jolie came wearing a tight dress showing off the baby bump that we all knew was already there. Another gorgeous Jolie- Pitt baby.

Last night was the first night I have actually been able to fall asleep like "normal." By that I mean, with no help from medication and managing to fall asleep within minutes of laying down. I haven't taken an Ambien since Tuesday. Wednesday and Thursday nights both took me a couple of hours to fall asleep after laying down, but I did not have a panic attack either night. I hope last night was a good indication of my sleeping habits from here on out. Maybe I can get back to "normal" too?

saturday snipets

My 90 year old grandmother (my only surviving grandparent, other than my grandmother-in-law) is in the hospital. She is in ICU with congestive heart failure. She has had this for a while now and they were able to remove the fluid from her lungs. But she is having heart issues that the only way to correct is to operate. The doctors have said that she is too weak to operate on. So there is nothing more they can do for her. They don't know how much longer she will survive. It could be days, weeks, months... who knows. She is a tough lady and has survived so much over the years. She has told the doctors this time, though, that she does not want to be kept alive on machines. She is still resting at the hospital and there has been no update today, because my aunt and uncle can only see her 1 hour a day. They all live in Missouri, so we have to rely on them for info. My dad (this is his mother) was just there visiting in January, and I am glad he went when he did. I don't really know what else to say on this. I pray that she will rest peacefully and not be in any pain.

The carBQ is finally gone from the alley. I noticed it was not there yesterday. That's nuts that it happened and nuts that it was there for so long all burnt up like that. It was dangerous for the kids in the neighborhood. I wonder what happened to it?

I did my preliminary round of our taxes this morning. So far, we are getting back over $2000 from federal and state combined. The next thing I need to do is search around for more deductions and see if I missed anything else. Fun stuff. I use Tax Slayer online to do my taxes. I have used them for years and have had really good luck.

After 3 years, we have finally found a good Chinese place that delivers. We ordered some last night and the portion sizes are so huge that I will probably get 3 or so meals out of it. Nice.

My youngest sister-in-law's college graduation is coming up at the beginning of May. That means we are gonna be going back to the 'Nati (Cincinnati, Ohio for those not in the know.) for a few days. There is so much we want to do while we are there, in addition to the graduation and related events. Hopefully we will get to at least go to Camp Washington!!
edited to add: And Burbank's too!

what happened to this girl?

I once was a very outgoing and fun loving kid. I had no cares in the world. I guess that is what most kids are like. Now I am 30 freaking years old and I feel like I'm 80. I take 8 pills a day. I have all this medical shit that I am struggling to deal with. I have work, bills, debt up to my eye balls. Sure, its not like I am the only one with problems. I just don't know when I became this person? I feel totally lost. Like I am not myself. I don't know who this is, but its not me. Some people I talk to say that I am dealing with all this stuff way better than they ever would, but I don't feel like I am dealing at all. I find things to distract myself from the issues that I have. And I put off things I don't think I can handle. I need a better way to deal my problems. I wish I was a kid again.

:)

random left overs

By the way, the carBQ van is still in the alley! What the heck, right?!?!

RIP Jellybean. My sister's hamster died yesterday. It's really sad. He She was so cute. (Sorry I had the wrong gender.)

My mother-in-law has sent us this cd, The Law of Attraction, which is a lecture from Esther Hicks, who claims to be an inspirational speaker who dialogs with a group of spiritual teachers who call themselves Abraham. It is seriously crazy. You can listen to some of it on youtube. Why my mother-in-law thought to send us this scares me even more than the fact that she believes in it enough to share it. Apparently, The Secret is based on her lectures. Super strange. An example of her catch phrases is "rockets of desire." Enough said.

random bits

"It's a Delaware thing." - Delaware tag goes for $675,000

These are my new favorite things.

Even though I was not feeling well, we went to Margaritaville for my mom's birthday on Sunday. We'll need to go back when I feel better. It was really loud, but seemed fun. I ordered food, but could not eat. I ate my chicken sandwich for lunch yesterday. It was tasty.

One of my favorite restaurant dishes is Claim Jumper's Thai Slaw. Over the weekend, I found the recipe and Chris made it for me. It tastes just the same!! I love it. I also found a recipe for asian style meatloaf. Chris made that too and it is killer. Yummmy food.

azcentral: Shaquille O'Neal is scheduled to make his Suns' debut Wednesday night against the Lakers at US Airways Center.
Time will tell on that.

Last night might have been the last episode of Prison Break, ever. It was the last episode made before the strike. There has been no word from FOX to whether they will start back with production or if it will be renewed for another season. I will be so sad if it ends, but I will understand. Here's where things were left **spoilers**... Michael was driving off alone to find Gretchen and avenge Sarah's murder. Sophia left Whistler, but was shot in the process. Lincoln was with LJ and Sophia in the hospital. Mahone is now working with Whistler and Gretchen. T-bag is now trying to run Sona, after killing Lechero. Sucre is in Sona, after not giving up Michael. There was a nice little ending that showed where everyone was and showed Michael driving off alone. If that is the end, it was anti-climactic.

The non-summer Big Brother season is totally jacked up. I cannot keep up with these people. There was multiple sex in the 1st week!! I know there is one boyfriend-girlfriend in the house, but the others just met. They also fight like crazy and are all over the place. One guy left on his own and they had to bring back one of the evicted folks. I am just not into this season yet. I am not getting Showtime for After Dark again. That was just too much to commit to.

Who will win Project Runway? Could it be the fierceness that is Christian?

health update

I haven't been blogging and don't really have a good reason why not. I guess my main reason is I am still not feeling all that great. But turns out, its mostly my own fault. I feel like I can share here and that getting this all out might make me feel better. I have been to my doctor twice in the last two weeks. He increased my blood pressure medication and gave me a prescription for acid reflux medication (which he thinks was contributing to my chest pains). I have been having trouble sleeping, because I cannot seem to shut my brain off for long enough to fall asleep. I have been so tired lately, but I just can't fall asleep. I had been taking Tylenol PM every night so that I can sleep. The doctor has now prescribed me Ambien so that I can sleep. I also have been having some arm and underarm pain. On Sunday night, we went out the dinner for my mom's birthday and I felt so ill. I seriously thought I might be having a heart attack. I spent the whole meal in the bathroom. I didn't eat. I feel so bad about ruining her birthday dinner, but I didn't know what to do. I went home and went to bed. I felt better yesterday morning, but started having the arm pain while at the doctor's yesterday. I was at the doctor to get test results. I had gone to the lab and had blood drawn and urine tested. Apparently, I am fine. At the doctor's my blood pressure was almost normal. All of my blood work came back fine. My cholesterol was even good. That surprised me. I figured it must be jacked up. The doctor told me that after the full cardiac workup they did on me at the hospital, based on my blood test results and the fact that I am 30 years old, there is no way I was or am going to have a heart attack. Why was I having these pains? Well, after talking it over, we have come to the conclusion that I have anxiety disorder. Slap a name on it and it all suddenly makes sense. Here is something I found on the internet:

Anxiety can be accompanied by a variety of physical symptoms. Most commonly, these symptoms are related to the heart, lungs, nervous, and gastrointestinal systems. You may have upset stomach, diarrhea, trouble breathing, feel as if you may faint or are having a heart attack.

Interesting. Today, I went to a gastroenterologist. My primary care doctor wanted me to go. Apparently all these things that are happening to me are related. My blood pressure causing my anxiety, my anxiety causing me intestinal pain. My intestinal pain being my newly diagnosed IBS. My chest pains being caused by reflux, from the IBS. It's all related. So... anxiety disorder, IBS, lactose intolerance, hypertension. My new diagnoses. I am not taking anything for all the conditions, except the hypertension. I need to stay on the blood pressure medication probably for the rest of my life. My doctor does not want to get me on anti-anxiety meds if we can help it. He told me to sit with it for 2 weeks and see if I start to feel better. The gastroenterologist (from here on out called "the gastro") scheduled me to have a colonoscopy. He does not believe that I have colon cancer, but based on my symptoms (which I choose to not mention all of here) and my family history, he wants to rule it out. I have the pleasure of that experience in two weeks. All of this is really good news, ultimately. It means there really isn't anything major wrong with me. Then why do I still feel shitty? I am making myself ill. I have such a fear that something is wrong with me and for some reason I refuse to believe the doctors. I am manifesting symptoms of what I fear might happen to me. My brain is a powerful freaking thing. I need to deal with this anxiety. I have known that I have stress and have been depressed for most of my adolescence. I have had a rough few years emotionally and apparently things were much worse than I ever thought. It is so much more than I can deal with. If I am making myself sick, I need some help. That is the next step. This is a lot to share. Who really likes to admit that they need professional help? But I do. I know it. It has never been more clear to me. I have gone to a counselor in the past, but that was in high school. Life is so different now and I need new ways to cope. That's what I need. First, to cope. Second, to deal. Third, to move on. Forth, to live again. All of this doctor stuff is so much for me, but its good to rule things out. You can't begin to cope or deal until you know what is or is not wrong with you.

to my mom

Hope you have a wonderful day. I love you, mom.

Car B Q

Last night, around 11:15pm, an insanely loud BOOM woke me up. It shook all the windows in my house. A few minutes after the boom, I heard sirens. This was surprising to me, because I hear all sorts of gun shots and other noises and they are never followed by sirens. But this time it was. This morning when I got up, Chris asked me if I heard the noise last night. He said that he went outside and saw smoke and flames. He wanted to drive over to where he saw the smoke and see what burned. This is what we found in the alley down the street:
Disturbing that they just left it there. You can still see the foam from the fire hydrant in the street and around the van. It clearly burned there in the alley, because there was glass all over the ground and it was charred. It looks to me like it was intentionally burned, because of its location and how the fire destroyed the inside of the van. It is nuts. Crazy things happen in this neighborhood. I just hope no one was hurt.

to my husband...

to my sister...

to my mom & dad...

to all my friends...

2008 Grammy awards - best dressed

and...but, I'm biased.

2008 Grammy awards - worst dressed

I'm a few days late, but better late than never!

update

The blood pressure medication seems to be working. I am feeling better today and yesterday, then I have felt in a week. I still don't feel 100% and I still believe that there is something more wrong with me. Something that caused my blood pressure to suddenly spike like that. I feel this way, because I still have strange symptoms off and on. I am not sure what the primary care doctor can do, but I am going to my new one tomorrow afternoon. At least I don't feel at deaths door anymore. I probably won't feel normal ever again. What was normal to me last week is not how I can live my life anymore. Chris bought some bread at Sprouts and I don't really like it. He said, while looking at the bag it came in, "What is it that's different about this bread? Oh, it has no fat." See, there you go. Plain oatmeal with raisins. Blah. Needs brown sugar. Can't add it! This is gonna take a lot of getting used to.

while i was sleeping

It's a done deal: Suns get Shaq

The Suns have traded Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks to the Miami Heat for Shaquille O'Neal. I am so upset about this. I probably shouldn't think about it, because it raises my blood pressure. I feel like I had to mention my anger and disgust over this, because as a Suns fan, I have been let down by our new general manager; a man I used to have respect for, Steve Kerr. I know that Shawn wanted to leave before this season started, but to give him away for Shaq? Seriously? Shaq is not a Sun and will never be. He will be a drain on their bank account and hardly ever play. Hell, he's hurt right now and we took him anyway. I do not wish my team ill will, but I hope they see the error of their ways in a big way.
If you put in Shaquille O'Neal in google news, here are some of the headlines:

Could the Suns have gotten a better deal for Marion?
It's Shaq's day in Suns
Shaq just wants to fit in with the Suns
Shaq deal can either bring Suns title or burn them
Miami is free as Shaq's deadweight sails away
Shaq still got it?
Suns hope O'Neal is big piece of puzzle
Suns taking huge risk with Shaq trade
Departing star Marion will be 'sorely missed'
Shaq arrives, and Suns will never be the same
Suns will miss defense of Marion, who gets fresh start
So long, Suns, it's been fun

The media gets it. Why doesn't the Suns front office?

been waiting long?

Let me just jump right in here. I spent all day yesterday and into this morning at the hospital.
About a week ago, I started having chest pains. Really intense and then very dull. Very up and down pain, but still constant. I was also getting very flushed and part of me would randomly go numb. It would come and go and I really hoped it would just go away completely. But yesterday I woke up feeling very flushed and not well. I knew I couldn't just pretend this wasn't happening. Since we changed insurance when Chris got his new job, we hadn't yet chosen a primary care doctor. I spent most of yesterday morning at work calling around to doctors to see if/when I could get in. Most of them did not have appointments until March and the earliest I could find was Monday. I knew then that I couldn't just do nothing. I emailed Chris and told him I was going to go the ER. I decided that the best thing to do was to have my mom come and take me. I am 30 years old and still need my mommy more than I ever have. I am not afraid to admit it. I knew that the day would include lots of waiting and waiting is not one of Chris's favorite things. Plus, I knew that there was nothing anyone could really do by sitting and waiting with me. So, my mom left work right away and so did I. She came and picked me up from my house and we went to the Urgent Care that is less than a mile from my house. We waited for about an hour there. They took my blood pressure and gave me an EKG. The nurse told me that with my symptoms, she really could not treat me there. They wanted me to go the hospital and wanted to take me in an ambulance. That was the last thing that I wanted to do, plus she said that even going in the ambulance would not get me seen by the doctor any faster. So, I had to sign a waiver so that my mom could take me to the ER, which we did right away. The first couple of hours were eventful, because I went thru triage, had blood drawn, chest xrays taken, another EKG and got an IV put in. Then, they sent me back to the waiting room to wait for a bed. 11 1/2 hours later, I was taken into the ER and given a bed. This was actually this morning around 12:40am. Chris had came straight to the hospital from work and my mom eventually left at 11:30pm. She wanted to stay, but I told her to leave. I was worried about her being so tired and having to drive all te way home. After I was in the bed, they hooked me up to all sorts of machines to monitor my heart and blood pressure. They gave me medication thru my IV that lowered my heart rate and blood pressure quickly. I felt much better when my blood pressure was low. I had suspected for days that I felt bad and had pain when my pressure was up and when it was lower, I felt better. But by being on the monitor and getting the medication, we could see that specifically. But I still had that dull constant pain in my chest. The doctor wanted to see if there was a dissection of a blood vessel in my heart, so he sent me for a CAT scan. My first CAT scan and boy was that strange. The CAT scan came back normal and that was consistent with two EKG's I had already had. I was so relieved. I got so scared that some REALLY was wrong. Not that severe hypertension isn't something REALLY wrong, but a tear in a blood vessel? That seems a whole lot worse to me. But it was fine. They took more blood and compared that the ones taken earlier in the day (actually about 12 hours earlier) and said it all looked good too. They gave me some ibuprofen thru my IV and let me rest for about an hour. Then at a little before 5am today, they told me I could go home. The doctor gave me a prescription for blood pressure medication and told me that there really isn't a reason for the intense spikes in my blood pressure over the last few days, but my blood pressure is "the only abnormality" that I have, as far as these symptoms are concerned. He said that once my pressure gets regulated with the pills, the pain should go away. I managed to sleep for a few hours this morning, but I can't sleep all day or I will never get on a regular schedule. Before I left work yesterday, I scheduled myself off for the rest of the week. Going thru all this has been so traumatic for me. But honestly, it was the wake up call that I needed. Nothing else seemed to work in the past. Today is the start of lent and the start of a new me. I am not just giving up soda for Lent, I am giving up the old me. I don't want to die. I don't want to have a stroke. I want to live a long time. And to do that I need to make changes. I am still really out of it and tired to go much further with that, but I know that I need to change and I will.
But damn, thank God I am alive.

Oh, the title comes from this exchange between me and the nurse once I got into the ER bed:
RN (sarcastically): Have you been waiting long?
me: What do you consider long?
RN: Um... 14 hours?
me: Then no, not long.

yes, i have seen them

words fail me

in case you are lost, the hotness managed to put on this lovely swim suit (a la Borat) during his cruise this past weekend.

but I like this much better:

excuses by Alanis Morissette

This song jumped into my head today. It's not real tough to figure out why.

Here is a gorgeous acoustic version...

Why no one will help me
I am too dumb
I'm too smart
They'll not understand me
I am lonely
They'll hate me
There is not enough time
It's too hard to help me
And god wants me to work
No resting no lazy

These excuses how they served me so well
They've kept me safe
They've kept me stuck
They've kept me locked in my own cell

I'm too far from home
It takes far too much energy
And I cannot afford to
No one will ever see me

These excuses how they served me so well
They've kept me safe
They've kept me stuck
They've kept me locked inside my cell

These excuses how they're so familiar
They've kept me blocked
They've kept me small
They've kept me safe inside my shell

Bringing this into the light
Shakes their foundation
And it clears my sight
Now my imagination
Is the only thing that limits
The bar that is raised to the heights

No one can have it all
See I have to
They want me to
And I can't let them down
I will never be happy

These excuses how they served me so well
They've kept me safe
They've kept me stuck
They've kept me locked inside my cell

These excuses how they're so familiar
They've kept me blocked
They've kept me small
They've kept me locked inside my shell

my favorite super bowl commercial

for obvious reasons!!



the best was the end...
Sucre: "You know, we could've just bought tickets."
Lincoln: "That ain't how we roll, man."
I loved it, even though it was factually all wrong. T-Bag says he has the map this time. He had the map the first time too. And of the three, T-Bag is the only one actually in prison right now. But it was fun.
What were your favorites?

happy Super Bowl Sunday!

As I said before, its not everyday that the Super Bowl (damn, I just typed Bowel!! hehehe) is in your home town. I have so much pride in my fair city (even though I do not currently live in Glendale). It's all the greater Phoenix area and we have rocked this Super Bowl. There is so much pre-game stuff on TV and its getting kind of ridiculous. But it does get your in the mood. The Patriots are my pick. See, I like to take chances. Two more hours to go until the game and the commercials. You know I watch for the commercials too. I hope all of you who do not live in AZ have been able to see what an awesome place this is and I hope that you come to visit our lovely city

song in my head 02/02/08

Those You've Known from Spring Awakening

he saw his shadow... more winter