but I died laughing!!
Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie Dolls for the Arizona market:
Scottsdale Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Scottsdale Fashion Square. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign lapdog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter dream house with a saguaro cactus in front. Available with or without tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic ex-husband Ken comes with squeeze-me Skipper and a Ferrari.
Chandler Barbie: This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford WindStar Minivan and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Can swear in English or Spanish. Available at Target.
Apache Junction Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, bowie knife, A 78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be bought with cash, preferably small bills, unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
Ahwatukee Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card set, and country club membership. Also available are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. Ahwatukee Barbie hasn't been affordable since the early 80's.
Mesa Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too mall, a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Wants to major in NASCAR at MCC. She has a six-pack of Coors Light And a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Available at Ross.
An alternative version is also available: Mesa Mormon version Blonde Barbie
comes with a Dodge Caravan and a dozen kids in tow. She has a permanent smile and a Latter Day Saints membership card. Ken comes with blacks slacks, white dress shirt, black tie and shoes to match and a bicycle. Additional accessories include a safety helmet, bible and Armageddon literature.
Goodyear Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Mesa Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss, and a see-through halter top. Comes with Barbie's dream doublewide trailer. Available at Wal-Mart. Cheap.
Sedona Barbie: This collagen injected, rhinoplasty Barbie wears leopard print spandex, and drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with friends at the lodge. Is in to crystals. Comes with Percocet prescription and two alimony checks. Also cheap.
Phoenix Barbie: This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a G.E.D. and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
Flagstaff Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Flagstaff Barbie's and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
Gilbert Barbie: This doll is pregnant, drives a new Ford Excursion and is perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting or in Japan on business. Gilbert Barbie aspires to become Scottsdale Barbie. Not cheap, but still very naive.
Tucson Barbie: This doll is in to basketball and marijuana. Does nothing but complain about Phoenix Barbie.
Guadalupe Barbie: This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats. This is the only Barbie who is willing to do manual labor. Ken comes in a meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not yet available for Guadalupe Barbie or Ken. Available at Food City.
Van Buren Barbie/Ken: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the "snap-on" parts.
Sun City Barbie/Ken: These dolls are going fast! Well, what we mean is they're old and don't have much time left. Both write checks for everything or pay in change, and can provide hours of endless repetitive conversation about "The Good ol' days." Drives a golf cart, signals right to turn left. Can be seen in Barbie Grocery Store (sold separately) arguing over prices. Available at the doctor's office
Yuma Barbie: This doll is brunette but with blonde highlights in her hair. She carries a "Coach", "Doone Burke", "YSL" or "Gucci" purse that she bought in Algodones. Friday and Saturday nights you can find her in San Luis partying or if she's old enough at Jimmy Dee's. She has spinners on her car and a stereo system worth thousands but her car is only worth $500!! Her goal is to open her own taquito stand.
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