I don't know where to start...

I was not sure if I would be able to blog about this. I think I can. At least I will try.

I had a miscarriage. I was about 7 weeks along.
There. Said it. The words are out there. In the world.
My baby is gone.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive since February of 2005. We had just started going to the doctors and were in the very preliminary stages of starting to do something about possible infertility. But it happened on its own. I hadn't started taking any kind of drugs or any treatments. On September 28th, I found out I was pregnant. Two positive pregnancy tests and I was over a week late. Plus, I had all the symptoms. We were happy beyond belief. I decided not to tell too many people and not blog about it until after the end of the first trimester. Most people wait that long, because the risk of miscarriage greatly reduces at the start of the second trimester. But my family knew and a couple of our friends knew. I can't even begin to tell you all the thoughts that you have when you find out you're pregnant. It is beyond comprehension. And it was also such a relief. We had been trying for so long and were not even sure if it could happen. Then it did. Everything was falling into place. I got all the books. I even started buying maternity clothes that I knew I would not need for many months. But it is so fun. Spent hours online shopping and reading. Life was good. At first I was really nervous. Every move I made or feeling in my body freaked me out. But after that first week, I got comfortable with it. I was much more in tune with my body. I had started to eat better. I gave up soda and caffeine, cold turkey. We had even started to taking evening walks. I remember over the weekend saying to my mother that so far my pregnancy was almost text book, because all the symptoms that the books say you should have, I had. But I wasn't getting morning sickness and I was sooo relieved about that. On Saturday night, I had some cramping and spotting. I really tried to ignore it and hoped that it would go away. Early Sunday morning, around 3:15am, I woke up and knew something wasn't right. I could go in to the details, but its not really necessary. I called the on-call nurse at my doctors office and she told me not to go to the ER and just to call the office first thing Monday. I did and went in to see the doctor. That was yesterday. It was confirmed. I am still physically dealing with it. I am in a lot of pain, physically. And if the thoughts you have when you find out you are pregnant are incomprehensible... this is worse. I have wanted a baby my entire life. I know that losing my baby happened for a reason. I know that. All the rational thoughts are there. And maybe one day, I will be able to believe them. Right now, its so raw. The days seem so long. I am off work and won't be back until Monday and even then, I am not sure I can go back right now. There are no words. It's difficult because my family feels so helpless. My mom had planned a trip to see my sister and she left today. She told me, as late as this morning while she was at the airport waiting for her flight, that she would stay if I needed her. I do need her, but I also need for some people I love to have joy and happiness. Keeping her from her trip would not have changed things. I can still call her when I need her. And my sister has been nothing but kind too. They all want to do something. But there is nothing anyone can really do. I have to grieve alone. I am always so concerned about other people's feelings and I want others to be happy. So if others were around me, I would be more concerned about how they feel and not focus on myself.
I know this is really hard to read. Just imagine writing it. Living it. I am not writing this for sympathy. I just felt like maybe sharing this with the world will make it seem more real. I am trying to be strong, but also allowing the feelings to just happen. Allowing myself to just be.