This is me, now.
I am scared. I have done what I always do to deal with things I can't deal with. Push them down, deep where they stew and creep back up just when I thought I was done. I don't think I cried enough. But who knows how much is too much. Physically, I feel fine. I almost wish I didn't. I know that sounds strange. But at least I would have the physical pain that would accompany the emotional pain. Together, it makes more sense. Why am I still all messed up in the head, when I physically am fine. So, I pushed it all down. I tell myself that I am fine. Convince myself. But if I tell you that I am fine, don't believe me. I don't know what I'm doing. I am trying to get back to life. Back to doing the things that bring me joy. Hence all the John Mayer and other music posting that I have done lately. And the strangest thing is, I am really, honestly, ok with the new baby Scarlett. Maybe it's because they are far away. If they were here and I actually got to see her and be a part of their lives, I couldn't do it. But I am so genuinely happy for the Logans that I have no problem looking at her pictures. Ok, that's not totally true. The being happy for them part is true, but the part about not having a problem looking at the pictures is a lie. It is difficult. I keep thinking how wonderful it would have been for our kids to be only 7 or so months apart. See, Troy (the new dad) is Chris's great friend. They went to high school and college together. They are so similar that is scary. Shanna (the new mom) and I always said that they share a brain. They are two halves of one whole. I hate that we can't live closer to them. I hate that Chris is missing his other half. But I thought that it was almost fate that we were going to have children so close in age. Like it was meant to be that way. That maybe if we had a boy, he would marry Scarlett. I know, it's crazy stuff. So, looking at her pictures is difficult, because I grieve for what might have been.
I found this from a leaflet somewhere:
After a miscarriage, you grieve for a person you never knew, and for a relationship that ended before it really began. You grieve not for a person who has lived and died but for an unlived life. You grieve for the loss of your future as the parent of the baby who has died. You are sad not just because of what you have lost but because of what will never be.
Grieving after an early miscarriage can also be difficult because the strength of your feelings may seem out of proportion to what has happened to you physically. You are grieving for the loss of your baby, yet at the time of your loss, your baby may have only just begun to grow.
That about sums it up.
I went for my follow-up visit today. Since all my physical symptoms are gone, they are confident that my body took care of it all on its own. That's really a good thing and I know that. I didn't need surgery or get any infections. It took some time, but I trusted my body and it took care of itself. I had some blood work done today to check my hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) level. I had that done last week too. hCG is the hormone your body produces when you are pregnant. As long as my level is where it should be, then I will be "released." What I assume that means is that I will be all done, medically with the miscarriage. I will get the blood work results tomorrow. I know it will be ok, because... I just do.
Me, on the other hand - I'm not so sure of...
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