i am wide awake

Is it all the iced tea I drank today? I don't know why I am awake. I can't shut my brain off. I have a lot on my mind. I choose to not delve into it here and now. I know that late night random blogging can be dangerous.
I have to leave for work in about 5 hours. Maybe I should just stay up until then. Maybe I should go lay back down and try to sleep. I guess that's what I should try to do. Wish me luck.

why birthdays are so important to me

Every year, I set myself up for disappointment. I have all the hopes in the world that this year, my birthday will be something super special and I am always disappointed. Let me explain a little. What I mean is not that I am disappointed with the birthday that I do have, I just set my own expectations so high that no one can live up to them. I always get gifts and cake and some fun stuff, but I create this ideal in my head and it never happens. Why, I don't know. I really just want something so special. I want to feel special for at least one day out the year. I want people to make big deal out of me. I want people to treat me the way I treat them. I know that you aren't supposed to want that. You are supposed to treat people the way you want them to treat you, but not be upset when that doesn't happen. But I get upset when that doesn't happen. See, I set myself up. I also feel like sometimes I am taken for granted. I am always around, kind to people, thoughtful, never forget a holiday, always thank people for the kindness they show me and gifts I receive...
No, I am not perfect. Far from it. I just struggle with this issue so much and it all culminates on my birthday.
People are going to misinterpret this. I can hear it now. I am not saying that I don't love the birthdays that I have had. I do. I just struggle with my own need for more.

15 laterals

I could not believe this when I saw it on SportsCenter on Saturday night. It has got to be the most amazing play in all of football, ever.

NCAA Division III - Trinity University (TX) vs Millsaps College (MS)

I think the announcer made the whole thing even more incredible. That guy was freaking out.

Read an article about it here.

SERIOUSLY ! !

That clock shows that it is one week until my 30th birthday. Whatever that means. I am not dealing. AT. ALL.

grass update

Here is the latest photo of the lawn!
notice the birdy in the grass.

And so you can compare...
5 days ago:

1 week ago:

Chris mowed it for the first time today. But I took the photo before it was mowed to show how much it has grown. I did walk on it the other day and it was very soft and fun.

i got a haircut

First... I love it!

Second... HOLY CRAP! I HAVE NO HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!! My hair was all one length and about 4 inches from my waist. Now it is just beyond my shoulders and layered.

Third... I am leaving my 20's behind and this is me at 30 (well in 8 days, at least).

T.I. is OUT... for now

Judge Orders T.I. Released on Bond
Rapper T.I. was released on bond Friday, but he'll be confined to his home to await trial on weapons charges.

T.I. (real name: Clifford Harris) walked out of the federal courthouse in downtown Atlanta after posting a $3 million bond — $2 million in cash and $1 million in equity on property he owns.

"I want to thank all the fans for their support," Harris said as he left the courthouse. "Due to the severity of the situation, I can't say much more."

Harris, 27, faces up to 10 years in prison and a $250,000 fine for each count.

holy crap!

Just now, I was in my house ironing Chris's work shirts and I hear tires screeching and then this really loud bang. I knew that it was an accident and it was close. I grabbed my camera, phone & keys and went for a little walk. This is what I found around the corner: That's a car on its side, on fire!
When I first saw it, it was still in flames, but by the time I got my camera out, the firefighters were already putting it out. This happened literally across the street from the neighbors behind us. So, if I was able to walk thru the backyard and front yard of the people behind us, I would be right in front of it. I knew it was close. It was so loud. I don't know if the people got out. All I know is that the police were walking one guy over to a tree, in the shade to be treated by the paramedics.
There were tons of other cops walking thru the trailer park on the other side of that wall and it looks like they were looking for people. And now there is a helicopter circling around.
I didn't stay for that long, because if they were looking for people I would be much safer locked in my house. But they did pull the car down on its wheels and I took a couple more photos:
YIKES!!

I am surprised I was able to take those photos, because when I came around the corner and saw that car on fire like that, I was shaking. I still am.
I really hope everyone is ok and they find who they are looking for.

facebook love

tee hee

GRASS!!!

We have a lawn for the first time! I know it is something so simple to be so excited about, but I love it. I am so proud of Chris for working so hard to make this happen. It started back in the early spring, when he dug up the old front yard (which was all dirt and weeds), took out the old sprinkler system and installed a brand new one that he designed. Then, last weekend (not two days ago, the weekend before that) he laid the mulch and grass seed for our winter lawn. It was so exciting when it started growing, that I decided I needed to chronicle the growth. So, here is the first day you could see a lot of grass:
And here it is today!!! I love it. I can't wait to walk on it in my bare feet.

football today

at 10:00 am PST in Landover, MD

Do I even still care? Just a little. I am not a fair-weather fan, but its so discouraging to cheer for a team that has always let you down.

But I still say... GO CARDS!

edited to add: Yup, lost. But I would not say they were beaten by the Redskins, because they had a million chances to win and blew them all. They could have easily won, but they just can't get their shit together. But, I will say that I am impressed with Kurt Warner for playing 99% of the game with his injured elbow. He did well for being hurt. Almost better than he was playing not hurt.
Next week is a BYE week, so at least they can't lose.
RECORD: 3-4

Right Brain v Left Brain

You really need to try this...

THE Right Brain vs Left Brain test

Which direction did the dancer turn for you? It says most people see it counter clockwise, but not me. I even tried really hard to get it to reverse direction, but I could not. But the funny thing is, all the right brain functions more describe me anyway. So it makes sense. Tell me which direction it went for you...

gotta love the onion

Sears Gold Card Holder Pushing Weight Around Area Sears

MCKEESPORT, PA—Auspiciously attired in khaki Dockers and a Structure-brand blazer, longtime Sears Gold MasterCard holder Larry Halfhill, 52, used his elite status to order around employees and cut in front of non-gold-card-carrying customers at the retail chain, sources at West Hills Shopping Center reported.

"He insisted that he be taken to the back and shown the 'good Kenmores,'" said an unnamed juniors department employee who additionally alleged that Halfhill was "very difficult" while posing for his picture in the Sears Portrait Studio. "We would have asked him to leave, but, well, what could we do? He had a Sears Gold Card."

Before leaving, Halfhill announced that the next time he returns to the store, the attendant at the auto center had "better class himself up a bit" or Halfhill would personally write a letter to Mr. Sears himself.

Why is this so funny to me? Two reasons... I worked at Sears for many years and I had a Sears gold card!

quiet

If you listened to or watched nothing else I posted today, please just find a moment and really listen to this song. You will not regret it.

And that's it for today, I promise

song in my head 10/16/07

Why Georgia by John Mayer
Webster Hall - September 13th 2006 - New York

This is one of my all time favorite songs, of any artist.

The coolest thing about this version is what he says before the crowd sing-a-long part (at the 1:39 minute mark):

"This is gonna sound good..."

Another cool thing is a comment from the youtube page I took this from:

street1711 (2 months ago)
thank God for JM

Yes, thank god for the music and the man. One would not exist without the other...

Abbey Road

The other day, my mom was asking me if you can keep things for long periods of time on the DVR. I told her that its just a hard drive and stores what you record for as long as you want. She asked if I have anything that I recorded stored on it. I said, "Um, yes." She said, "It's something John Mayer, isn't it?"
Well, this is it...

talking and performance of Belief
Live from Abbey Road

Maybe I was just looking for a reason to post a million things about the hotness. The birthday really does seem like a good excuse. This could go on all day!!!

any given thursday

These next two clips are from the DVD, Any Given Thursday, that was released in February of 2003.
They are two oldies, but goodies. Two of the best John Mayer songs ever.

This is Comfortable.

and this is Covered In Rain.

This song was written after 9-11, as a sequel to his song City Love.

He looks so young in these videos. They make me laugh. You can see how far he's come and how good he was back in the day. So many good songs to share with you.

not real thrilled about this

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Is Headed to Arizona

Oh right, her husband is coming too, to play for the Cardinals...

today's featured article

guess who is today's featured article on Wikipedia today?

D-Backs lose but are no failures

I still love you, Diamondbacks!
I was very sad last night, but angry too. Angry that no matter how well they played all year, in the eyes of the rest of the world, they got swept by the Rockies. Sure. I know that they lost when it really mattered, but I also know that they deserved to be where they were and the rest of the world doesn't think so. I get that the Rockies played better, but I was so tired of listening the announcers talk about how wonderful the Rockies were with no mention of the skills of the Diamondbacks. It got so annoying that I watched most the last couple games on mute. And the worst part about is one of the announcers is the former manager of the Diamondbacks. The manager that took them to the World Series in 2001 (they won that year, by the way!). He never spoke up and defended them. My guess is he is still better from getting fired. But still... defend your old team when every one else is ripping them a new ass hole, Bob Brenly!
Anyway, my baseball season is over. All I can hope is that who ever wins the ALCS beats the shit out the Rockies.

And as far as the Diamondbacks go, just wait 'til next year...

a fitting song for today

to hear it, click here
No, I'm not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
I try to keep an open mind
But I just can't sleep on this tonight

Stop this train
I want to get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

Don't know how else to say it
Don't wanna see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said "help me understand"
He said "turn sixty-eight"
"You'll renegotiate"
"Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train"

Once in awhile, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark
Singing
Stop this train
I want to get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

I know I have posted these lyrics before, but they mean more today and over the next 18 days...

this is why I'm hot

in honor of the birthday, I will be posting many (more than normal!) things about the hotness.

to the hotness

I post this like he is gonna see this, or something...

to Scarlett Aurora

Our friend's daughter turns 1 year old today!

my sister vs me

Sis,
Who knew our boys share a birthday?
go vote

there is still hope

Ok, maybe not.
Tonight is game 4 of the NLCS. If the Diamondbacks lose tonight, its over. No World Series for us. It just does not seem like our time. The Rockies have so much momentum that they seem unstoppable. It would be nice, though, if the Diamondbacks could win one game and prevent the sweep. I really hope that happens. If not, they had a great run and I will still love them. And you know that's all that matters.
So...
and go me for recycling graphics!

my man is screwed, y'all

Poor Cliff was supposed to get his day in court today, but the judge wasn't having it.

Rapper T.I. remains in custody

... rapper T.I. was led handcuffed into a federal courtroom to face federal weapons charges. The only sounds he made were the jingling of his leg chains.

... he was arrested hours earlier for possessing three unregistered machine guns and two silencers, and for possession of firearms by a convicted felon.

During a brief court hearing, U.S. Magistrate Alan Baverman ordered Harris to remain in custody at least until Friday, when the judge will hold hearings to determine whether Harris is eligible for a bond and whether there was probable cause to arrest him.

Federal prosecutors are moving to keep Harris detained until his trial, which could be several months away. If convicted... faces certain prison time about five or more years behind bars, according to the federal sentencing guidelines.

football today

at 1:05pm PST in Glendale
GO CARDS!

edited to add: Yes, they lost. And by lost, I mean not only the game, but another quarterback. Season looks shot to me...

CLIFF!!!

Feds Search Home of Well-known Atlanta Rapper T.I.

Well-known rapper T.I. was arrested at his southwest Atlanta home Saturday.

A federal search warrant was executed Saturday afternoon and special agents with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms and Explosives spent most of the afternoon at the College Park residence about 15 miles southwest of the city.

Clifford Harris, better known as T.I., was taken into custody, while agents searched his Atlanta home.
Investigators did not release the charges, but did say the investigation unfolded quickly.

in the midst of MLB post season and NFL regular season...

Preseason NBA basketball has started! And with a bang!
My boys beat Sacramento last night in their first preseason game. I cannot wait for the regular season to start.
I am such a sports fan. It's crazy. I love it all!!

and one last thing...
I don't yet know how I feel about Grant Hill being a Phoenix Sun, but only time will tell on that.

edited to add:
Hello Steve Nash!
This is the November 2007 cover of Men's Journal.

THE
SUPERSTAR
WHO MADE
THE NBA
FUN AGAIN.

hell yeah!

song in my head 10/12/07

Bubbly by Colbie Caillat

i can't not respond

Last night, the Diamondbacks lost. They lost bad. You've gotta score runs if you want to win a game! But something happened during the 7th inning that needs to be addressed here. A bad call.

Oh, you thought I was gonna talk about the fans throwing things on the field? Well, I guess I have to address that too. Folks were arrested and ejected from the game. But, can you really blame them? I can't. Umpires act like gods in baseball. They get the call wrong sometimes and don't acknowledge it. That frustration led to what happened last night with the fans. I would have done the same thing if I was there. And lets not even begin to count the number of fans who threw things at their televisions!

So, the bad call. Justin Upton (a 20 year old rookie phenom) slide to 2nd base, while the Rockies were trying to turn a double play. He was called for interference because he lifted his arm while he was sliding, causing Matsui to fall down and prevent him from throwing to 1st for the the double play. And because they called interference, they awarded the Rockies the double play and 2 outs claiming had Upton not interferred, they would have turned the double play. Um, no. There is no way he would have made the throw anyway. But because the umpire thought he lifted his arm on purpose, he made the call. The real reason it was important was because had the call not been made, it would have been bases loaded, no outs. But it suddenly became man on 2nd, 2 outs. It changed the course of the game. It was potentially an outcome changing call. And no one should take calls like that lightly. Especially in the world of professional sports, with the refs gambling (Former NBA referee Tim Donaghy pleaded guilty to two felony charges...) and whatnot. We as fans cannot trust them. They need to understand that they are not gods and they are there to do the right thing. Make the right calls. They also need to understand that other people can manage to do their job with someone sliding into 2nd with their arms up. And yes, that photo on the left was from last night too. The looks like a potential elbow in the crotch to me. Intentional? According the umps last night, only if the 2nd baseman can't make the play.
One last thing... Fans, don't be dumb. We can't play into it when they start egging you on. Be respectful of our team and our stadium. But I still totally understand why you did it.

The best reaction that we can have to last nights debacle is to win big tonight!

NLCS starts tonight

NLCS = National League Championship Series

Special thanks to my mom, who gave me a 2008 Diamondbacks calendar with the Anybody, Anytime logo on the front. I have been looking all around online for the graphic and couldn't find it. So, when she gave me the calendar, I scanned it and here we go.

to comebacknikki

Hang in there!
Hope you have a great day.

evolution of Bittersweet

Over 3 years ago, Bittersweet began as a poem by Kanye West:

And in 2004, MTV aired this:

That's the hotness and Kanye West working on the making of Kanye's song, Bittersweet. This was the world's first taste of the song. Loved it then and now.
Bittersweet was to be on Kanye's 2nd album, Late Registration which came out in 2005. The track did not make the album, but we were promised that it would be on the next album. That brings us to Kanye's latest album, Graduation. The first track listing that came out, had Bittersweet listed and was even sampled on Kanye's website along with the other tracks. Then, for some reason when they released the album, it was not there.
Bittersweet has now become a bonus track on the itunes download and the Japanese import CD. Wow. That is quite a journey for a song.
Here is the whole song:

The Boondocks is back, bitches

don't watch this unless you are in the know!

Boondocks season 2 Promo

The season premiere rocked on Monday night. I love this show! Makes me want to go back and watch all of season 1 on DVD again. I shoulda done that before Monday.

Best line from that clip:
Riley: I mean I could see if it was a real N***. If you lost your ho to TI, I be like 'Hey, that's TI.' But Usher?

this growing up thing sucks

Just a little warning. This post is gonna be really long. There is a lot on my mind lately. It's something like 26 days until I am 30 years old. What the hell is that all about? Wasn't it just yesterday that I was 13 years old and borrowing my sisters clothes? She had cool clothes. I really like to wear her REM & Twin Peaks (the TV show) t-shirts. She also had a couple really cool Espirt rayon shirts. Remember Espirt bags? Mine was light pink (which is crazy, because now I hate pink.) Sometimes I would wear her shirts without her even knowing it. She was in high school when I was in junior high and would leave for school before me and she was so involved at school that I would get home before she did. I am sure she knew. I was never really good at hiding things. So, yeah. Aren't I still that little girl. Little in many senses of the word. Little, because I could fit into my sister's clothes. Can't do that any more. Little, because I still feel so immature. So unprepared for this whole "real world" thing. To me, the real world was a TV show that I never got to watch because we never had cable. I was so unprepared. But how do you prepare your children for what life is gonna throw at them? I am not blaming anyone. If anyone, I blame myself.
I don't like to do things that require much effort.
I have no motivation.
I am very needy.
These are all things that I have come to learn about myself in the last few weeks and months. These are all very unhealthy things. These are all things I can change. But, see problem #1. It's a vicious circle I have found myself in. I don't like the direction my life has taken. I am scared my marriage isn't as solid as I wish it was. Who am I kidding? I know it's not. We work on it. We talk. So, that's good. But forward progress seems to be absent. I will not let it fail. I will fight with my last dying breath to save my marriage. We just need to find some common ground. We need to realize that our differences are not a bad thing. So, I am struggling with all these things all at once and I feel like I have lost all hope. Hope used to be the thing that got me thru the day. But what do you do when you feel like all hope is gone? Is that really what being an adult is? Hopelessness? You lose all that innocence of childhood where you look into the future with such hope. Is that really what this is all about? I really don't want to believe that is the case. But the older I get, the less hope I have. Bringing us to today, where I feel like there is none left. So, I am growing up. Maybe I am off the mark with this. Maybe this is just happening to me at the same time and it has gotten all mixed up. Adulthood = hopelessness. Great. If that is really the case, I want to just stop now. I want off the train. The train that doesn't freaking stop. It hits horrible speed bumps and killer ups and downs, but never stops. Only one way to stop it. I want my hope back. I want to feel like everything will be ok.
When I was little, I never cried alone. My mom would always come into my room a few minutes after I stormed off and slammed my door. Even if I had said horrible things to her, she would come in and hug me when I cried. The older I get, I find myself crying alone all the time. I know my mom would come and hold me if she could, but she is not always going to be around. (That is another post for another time. I can't even go there right now.) But I still want that. I can't seem to convince myself that everything will be ok, anymore. I could tell myself that for a long time. But I feel like I am just lying to myself now. I don't think it will be ok. I don't think things will work out. No hope. So, there's the neediness. I need to be comforted and held. I need that. I don't really think it is too terrible, though. Who doesn't want that? Some people, I guess.
I feel like my life has no direction. I have no goals. No ambition. Nothing to contribute. Am I really supposed to be someone's mother? Am I? Is that what I am supposed to do? That is all I have ever wanted. But then why aren't I? Why can't I?
One week from today... one year since my first miscarriage. I told Chris this last night. He said, "You still think about that?" I said, "How could I not?"
This is an identity crisis. A midlife crisis? Lets hope not mid life, but something like that. Maybe these milestone birthdays exist to force you to examine your life, good or bad.

this breaks my heart

Intruders seriously damage a renowned work by Monet at Paris' Orsay Museum

PARIS - Intruders entered the Orsay Museum early Sunday and punched a hole in a renowned work by Impressionist painter Claude Monet, "Le Pont d'Argenteuil," the French Culture Minister said.

A surveillance camera caught a group entering the museum, located on the Left Bank of the French capital along the Seine River and housing a major collection of Impressionist artists like Monet.

An alarm sounded and the group left, but not before damaging the painting, an aide to Culture Minister Christine Albanel said by telephone.

No arrests were immediately made.

Albanel told France-Info radio that the painting could be restored, but she deplored what she said was an attack on "our memory, our heritage."

"This splendid Monet painting (was) punched right in the middle," the minister said with emotion.

According to the aide, a 10-centimetre tear was made in the Monet, perhaps with a fist. The official, not authorized to speak publicly of the matter, asked not to be named.

It was not immediately clear how many people were in the group that broke into the museum.

Monet led the 19th century Impressionist movement, experimenting notably with light and colour in works now deemed priceless.

"Le Pont d'Argenteuil" shows a view of the Seine at a rural bend, featuring a bridge and boats.

Albanel told France-Info that she would doubtless seek improved security in museums and stronger sanctions against those who desecrate art. "This is not tolerable," she said.

The break-in occurred as Paris held its annual all-night festival, which brings thousands of people into the streets for music, exhibits and fun.

Diamondbacks sweep aside Cubs

Who woulda thunk it? The Diamondbacks beat the Cubs in the first round the the playoffs. I am really happy for them. I am still hesitant to think that they will get any further. They now that to play the Rockies in the National League Championship series. They struggle against the Rockies. But I will say, they beat the Cubs in Chicago, so maybe there is hope.

Congrats D-backs!!!

football today

at 10:00am PST in St. Louis
GO CARDS!

The Rams haven't won a game yet this season. Let's keep it that way.
But I heard Anquan Boldin is still out. Everybody else has gotta step up. And this two quarterback thing needs to work itself out soon. It's embarrassing.

5:15pm PST
edited to add: They won. That makes them 3-2. Oh, and the quarterback situation worked itself out. Matt Leinart fractured his left collarbone. Well, that takes care of that.

daily dose of hotness - old photo

from this article

no words necessary

matinee tomorrow

My mom and I are going to see Jersey Boys tomorrow afternoon. I love Broadway shows, as most everyone knows. However, I am not overly excited to see this one. Maybe its because I know my mom will be singing the whole show. Not that that will be bad, just funny. I am sure it will be great. I need a break from life and going to a show might just do the trick.

pushing daisies

Did you watch the new show, Pushing Daisies on Wednesday night? I didn't watch it Wednesday, but I watched it this morning. I really liked it, a lot. I really liked the narration and the main character, Ned. The actor, Lee Pace, was in another show I really liked, Wonderfalls. Pushing Daisies was created by the same guy who created Wonderfalls and both shows have a very unique vibe that I like. With a cast including Kristen Chenoweth (A-MAZ-ING!), Chi McBride (shout out to Boston Public!), Swoosie Kurtz and Ellen Greene (she played Audrey in the movie version of Little Shop of Horrors!), how can you go wrong? I really liked it. I hope that it doesn't get old fast. I have high hopes for it. But these shows don't usually catch on like they should, so my high hopes are not all that high.

You can watch it online here. Or ABC is rerunning it tonite.

he did it again

photo source
The hotness went to the DMB show on Tuesday and joined them on stage for #41. (He was at the show with the new girl, by the way.) It's a long track, but sooooooo worth listening to. It's a better performance than the VT concert last month. John's big solo is at the 6 minute mark and the awesomeness continues from there.

#41 - Dave Matthews Band featuring John Mayer 10/02/07
The best thing about this track:
"I've been waiting a long time to say this.
I am who I am because of Dave Matthews Band."
- John Mayer

song in my head 10/04/07

Do It Again by The Chemical Brothers
Good thing it's not The Salmon Dance. That song is crazy!

to my parents

I cannot say thank you enough for being so supportive of me. I would be lost without my family and I could never show you how much you all mean to me.