mortality

I have been thinking about this a lot lately.

My mom told me that yesterday it was 25 years since my Gramps (her father) died. 25 years ago. I know I was little when it happened, but I never realized how young. I was 6 years old. My Nana (mom's mother) died before my Gramps did. It was a lot of death for a little kid.

Tomorrow it will be a year since my uncle (mom's brother) died.

My mother's sister is in the hospital right now with blood clots in her neck and superior vena cava (vein to the heart). She also has cancer and type 1 diabetes. She has been in and out of the hospital for over a year. She is not well.

All of these things, in addition to the death of my family, have caused me to question my own mortality. Death is a natural progression of life. If people didn't die, you would never appreciate them. But death means a change. And death is often a surprise. You are going about your life, then suddenly someone or something is gone. How do you get over that? Life as you knew it will never be the same.

Gosh... all this sounds so cliche. I don't really know what I am trying to say. Death sucks. Change sucks.

It's been a year since I started dealing with my issues. Anxiety. Depression. Physical problems. Started taking medication for all those things. Started therapy. Need it now, more than ever. I am better now then I was this time last year. Last year, I thought I was gonna die. I wanted to die. I know I will die. But now, I don't want that to happen so soon. I think I'd like to live a little more.

I have "life" tattooed on my right wrist to remind myself that I really do want to live. It's easy to fall into depression and convince yourself there are other options to living. But now I have a permanent reminder that life is better answer.

I will die. What's gonna happen before then? I have no idea.



sorry if this post made no sense...