the only way out is through

Here it is. Why I've been avoiding blogging...

I had another miscarriage.

The first was in October 2006.

This time I was 8 1/2 weeks along.

The reason I hadn't been blogging is because I had a rough time after finding out I was pregnant. I actually found out on June 13th (the same day as the John Mayer show I went to; making that day completely incredible.). After I found out, I really laid low. After losing the first baby, I was trying not get caught up in it. But it was impossible for me to not deal with it. I was so tried all the time and very nauseous. I even had some spotting for a few days. But with every passing day, I gained more confidence. After I made it past the 7th week (the time I had the first miscarriage), I felt better. No one knows this... Every night when I went to bed, I would pray, "Please God, just give me one more day." It seemed to be working. But two days before my first pre-natal doctors appointment, I had really bad pain. I couldn't sleep, it was so bad. But there was not blood. I just thought that maybe it was bad gas or something. At least that's what I tried to convince myself of. But I knew something wasn't right. The day before the appointment, I told Chris that I wanted to go to the appointment and just tell me to do the ultrasound before talking to me about being pregnant and asking me all the questions, because if there wasn't anything there the questions would be pointless. How did I know? I just knew. I didn't want to know. At the appointment on the 12th, I tried to act like everything was fine. I didn't say anything and went along with the nurse's questions. Then she started the ultrasound. Chris was with me in the room. She said that she couldn't see anything in the gestational sac. There was one there, but she couldn't see the fetus. She called in the ultrasound pro of the office to try to see if she could get a picture of the baby. But there was nothing there. After the ultrasound, the nurse told me that she believed I had what's called a blighted ovum. She said that I needed to come back in a week for another ultrasound to see if anything has changed. She did say there was a chance that I was not as far along as I thought and that's why the baby wasn't visible, but I knew that wasn't the case. See, I knew there was nothing there. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I knew. Last Monday, I started bleeding and cramping badly. I called the doctor and went in that afternoon. The sac that had been large on Thursday was like a deflated balloon and it was over. No chance. I knew that and had been dealing with the loss since that Thursday. No dealing well, but not holding out any hope. I will say that after the first doctors appointment I started praying that my body would take care of the situation on its own. If nothing had happened in a week after the appointment, I was going to have a d & c, so that I wouldn't have to live with feeling pregnant and knowing that I wasn't. I really didn't want to have to go thru that and so I am happy that my body took care of it. So physically, I am ok. I still have to go thru more blood work to make sure my hCG hormone level decreases. But I am sure that will be ok too. For some reason, my body recovers well from miscarriages, but I just can't seem to keep a baby. All the clichés don't work this time. Before, I could believe that hey, I got pregnant once, I can get pregnant again. Blah blah blah. I did get pregnant again and this one didn't work either.
I am stuck in the anger. I have hardly cried at all. I know this is not good. I know that I am dealing with this all wrong. I just push it all down and pretend its not there. But if I can't get past the anger, I don't know what I will do. I tell people I am ok, because that is the easiest way to be for me. Some people find anger easier, but not me. Being positive is more comfortable to me, even if its not my true feelings.
I am starting to doubt if motherhood is something I am meant to do. I have been in this holding pattern. Waiting to become a mother for my life to start. Maybe I just need to get a life and face my reality. That is way easier said than done.

So, that's that. For now.