today

I wasn't sure I was going to write about this, but I figured I might as well. Maybe it will help to talk about it.
Today is was my due date.
That is, of course, if I hadn't lost the baby back in October.
My mom is coming over today and we are going shopping, in an attempt to distract me and make sure I make it thru this day.
See, when I lost the baby, it was devastating. I took a month off work. I couldn't really function. After a while, things got easier. So much so that we started trying to get pregnant again. I don't think about losing the baby on a daily basis, but occasionally things will happen and I get knocked back to reality and I get sad. Today is one of those days. I can't really ignore what today is. I can't just go on like it is a regular day. I am going to try, but I need to grieve today. I think that is ok. My life was supposed to change today. And it is not going to. I am gonna wake up tomorrow and my life will be the same as it was today and yesterday. How do you deal with that? I didn't have a lot of time to get used to the idea of having a baby, but I have been wanting this my whole life. So I guess the anticipation has been building for a really long time. Today is just another reminder that is not going to happen yet. Sure, you can say "You got pregnant once, you can get pregnant again." But getting pregnant the first time took 2 years.
Ok, enough. My pity party is over. I am sad today. Sad for my loss. Sad for the life I might never have. Sad. Please just understand that sometimes it gets hard to deal with. That's all. Especially today.