song in my head 05/12/08

I'm Not Who I Was
written by Brandon Heath
sung by Jason Castro

the song stops at 3:15 minute mark...

happy mother's day

day 1 & day 2 - in Cincinnati

Over the past two days, we have just been hanging out. It has actually been quit nice to not have an agenda. All we really wanted to do was travel around and see all the places we loved about this city. Yesterday, we went to Union Terminal, downtown, Over the Rhine, Eden Park and Krohn Conservatory. They were having the annual butterfly show at the conservatory and I was so excited that we got to see it again. We had gone many times when we lived here. I got some great photos and I am in the process of posting them on my flickr. I will post them here (and my 366) when I get home. Today, we went to see all the places we used to live. We also went to Mt. Airy to play a little disc golf (but the ground was really muddy. It rained all day Wednesday and Thursday!) We also have been eating at some of our favorite places. Since I know some foodies, I will share the restaurants now:
Camp Washington
Mt. Adams Bar & Grill
Burbanks
Andy's Mediterranean Grille
Graeter's
Tomorrow is my sister-in-law, Sarah's graduation from Miami University. We will be busy with that all day. We also get to see the rest of the in-laws tomorrow too. That should be fun.
I will post more about all this when I have more time. :)

deep sigh

Well, yesterday was quite a day. It's tough to decide where to start. I guess with the most important...

You thought I was gonna start with American Idol, didn't you?
Well, you are wrong.

Yesterday, Chris and I flew to Ohio. Surprisingly, everything with the flight went fine. Checking in and security took like 30 minutes total. And the flight, as uncomfortable as a full flight is, went well. Right on time leaving and arriving. Getting rental car and getting to Cincinnati went alright too. Who knew that once we got here all hell would break loose. I guess I am being over dramatic about what happened, but it was really bad timing. We arrived at our hotel at around 8:50pm. I was so excited, because we were gonna be in our room in time to watch American Idol (see, its all connected!), but little did I know. When we got here, they had no record of our reservation. We had made the reservation on Orbitz.com. The biggest issue was that this is graduation weekend for lots of schools and all the hotels all over town are booked. So, if they didn't have room for us, we were screwed. It took forever, including us having to call Orbitz ourselves to try to resolve the issue, but I finally got a room key at about 9:40pm. Chris was still dealing with the front desk, but they had a room for us and so they let me go up. I practically ran thru the damn hotel. I made it in time to see the end of the show... more on that later. The hotel finally worked it out with Orbitz and everything is fine now. The hotel manager even called our room this morning to let us know that he was aware of what happened and wanted to make sure everything was ok now. That was impressive. The guys at the front desk last night did eventually step up and help us, but I really would have liked if they have stepped up a little sooner. We waited for way too long before they said, "We will get you a room and work this out." After we unpacked (and the show was over), we went for chili. It has been 6 years since we have had Cincinnati chili and since we were here, we couldn't wait any longer. Well, worth the wait! You know I had to photo the chili. hehe.

Ok, now the rest. I have dealt enough to be able to talk about the fact that Jason Castro was kicked of American Idol last night. I believe that there is NO WAY that Syesha got more votes than Jason. It is impossible. It is the Idol machine that chewed him up and spit him out. They wanted to do that last week, but couldn't. They jumped on it this week, especially after he forgot the words. Just a reminder that one of the remaining contestants has done that 3 times and is still there. But what do I know? Anyway. I am angry about the fact that the show is rigged. But I am at peace with him being gone. Sure, selfishly I wanted to see his beautiful face and hear his amazing voice for another 2 weeks. But he was done. He did many TV interviews this morning on all the Fox affiliates and he said that he was relieved to leave. He also said that he wanted to still be on the show, but now that he is off it is a relief. Understandable. He just looked so happy on the interviews this morning and I am so glad. He now has to chance to be himself and sing the songs he wants to sing. He is free from the Idol machine. This is all I wanted for him, anyway. If he's happy, then there is no reason I should be sad. There is still the finale and the tour (less than 2 months away!!). And after the tour, his career. He has made life long fans and I am one of them. So I say this: Thank you for everything, Jason. You have brought something special and unique to the lives of your fans. You have graced us with your gift and we will forever be grateful. You have also brought some amazing people in to my life. People I hope I can be friends with for a long time after Idol. Again, thank you thank you thank you.
For my final goodbye, I share with you the studio version of Mr. Tambourine Man (full length version, with all the words.) by Jason Castro. Trust me, it is worth a listen.
And now what happens? I don't care. As long as Archuleta does not win, I am good.

Todays events and maybe even some photos coming later...

american idol

I don't want to talk about it. Not now, at least. I might be able to find the right words to describe how I feel, at a later date. But until then... I leave you with this...

things to do before we leave

I'm gonna make a list here for myself, just in case I forget anything...

finish laundry

pack

upload all music/videos/movies to ipod

buy batteries for camera

buy healthy treats for plane/hotel

watch American Idol/vote like crazy for Jason Castro

chat with my friends

did I say pack?

fill prescriptions

tan legs with Jergens natural glow express Body Moisturizer - it really works on my pasty legs! Doesn't really make them look tan, just not so ghostly.

lappie

Ever since my sister told me she named her lap top, lappie, I have called all lap top's lappie. Random. I know. I mention this because I am currently typing this in a lappie. My dear father has allowed me to borrow his lap top to take on the trip (HOLY CRAP! We leave on Wednesday!) and he brought it over for me yesterday. Well, both my parents brought it, but still. I am forever grateful that he let me borrow it. Yes, I want to keep in touch with my friends, but that is not the only reason. I live on the computer. I did before just recently. I have had a computer since I was in like 1st or 2nd grade. I don't usually go a day without one and I don't really want to. I like being informed. I like having access to information. So, being in a hotel for 4 days with no computer is like being on a deserted island. I will not have to find out what that's like (although, if forced to, I could manage with out! I swear.), because I have one now! Maybe I will never give it back. It is so nice to sit on the couch instead of my uncomfortable desk chair!

to my sister-in-law, Linda

it's been a rough week

What with all the Idol controversy, late nights online and doctors appointments. I am exhausted. How did I ever stay up late? I feel like such an old lady. And I was only staying up until midnight (Monday, Tuesday & Thursday) and I am still so tired. Maybe its because I gave up caffeine, so I have nothing to get my thru the day. Oh well. It's been worth it.
Ok, lets recap:

American Idol - My feelings on Jason: I, selfishly, want him to stay. Who wouldn't want to keep looking at him and watching him perform? I know I do. But I honestly don't want him to win. He would be ruined by the pop idol machine. He needs to come in 3rd. That way he can get the recognition he deserves (meaning do all the talk shows, press, etc), but still be on for a little longer. We all know it should be an all David finale. That is what is destined to be. So, after this week, I might not vote anymore. Not that my few 1000 votes really make a difference, but who knows. And about the Entertainment Weekly article: 1st, the balloons were pretty weird. Fun and crazy, but weird. Especially for a humble guy not used to the attention. 2nd, Can't blame a guy for being tired and wanting to go home. For the same reason as the balloons being weird. I am sure it is an insane life and every one wants to get off the bus once in a while. So, with that. I say as long as he's around I'll be happy. But when he leaves, I will be at peace too.

late nights online - I have been chatting with my girls every nite. Such fun! We are still kinda paranoid about getting kicked off the boards again, so its been a chat room for us. But I actually don't care so much about the boards. It is full of naive people who are unrealistic. I need to deal with reality more than rainbows and balloons. The boards have their place. But it gets to be too much most days. I am so glad to have my friends who share my same opinions. We vent and so much more!!

Doctor appointment - I went to the endocrinologist yesterday. Guess what? Nothing I didn't already know. Duh! So I have insulin resistance. Not diabetes. She is gonna run some tests to determine if I am pre-diabetic or not. I will have to deal with that when we get back. And she also dropped the earth shattering bomb of "You need to lose weight." OH. Shock of shocks. I know I am being really cynical lately, but I am sorta sick of all this. I am sick and tired of being sick. I have lost 13 pounds since February. And I haven't really been trying too hard. I feel good about the weight that I have lost, but I know that I need to lose more. The new doctor wants me to work really hard on it and she thinks that it will make a major difference. She also does not believe the numbness in my extremities is related to diabetes or anything else. So, still no answers, besides the obvious. All the same conclusions are being drawn by all the doctors. They know nothing other than that I need to lose weight. I am working on that, people. Cut me some slack. I know I am slowly killing myself. I don't want to die, so the only option I am faced with is the one I have struggled with my entire life. Not much comfort to be found in that.

Oh well. I guess I gotta get some stuff together this weekend. We are leaving for the 'Nati on Wednesday (and yes, I know I will miss the results show due to our travelling. I am not pleased about this, but my friends will text me!)

i figured something out today

I decided that I am tired of defending myself and the choices I make. My life is my life. I decide what I do. I am sick of thinking what others might think about my actions before doing them. I have been so caught up in that for too long. I want the freedom to make decisions without worry about others opinions or reactions. I am not gonna become a selfish bitch. You know that will never happen. But I am really gonna stop defending myself. If you love me, you do. Why do I need to make you understand why I do what I do? I don't. I get that now. Accept me for who I am.

lets just leave it at this

Laura = happy camper!

best of idol - top 5

I have no words. Well, maybe a couple...

If Jason leaves tonite, there will be chaos and total distruction of this rigged Idol machine. I hate this show. I believe that even if he got the least votes (which I highly doubt), he will not leave. I believe, in fact, they will reveal him to be the first person safe tonite. If they don't cover their asses, Idol will have to deal with the consquences. They have been making him out to be a total dumb ass for weeks. They show him messing up with Neil Diamond. Show him getting embarrassed. Like that is the only footage they had to show? They are doing it on purpose. It is so not fair. This show is so biased and so rigged and this season has exposed it for what it really is.
I could explain what happened last night, or I could forward you to an article that will explain better than I ever could. Read it here.
I am too upset to talk about it anymore. I can't even eat my lunch. My stomach is in knots.

This day cannot end soon enough.

edited to add: I called this bitch! He was brought out first and declared safe right away. Hehe. So predictable.

banned camp

Did you know it's possible to get kicked off the American Idol forum? Well it is. Ask me and about 6 or so of my online friends. We spent all weekend hanging out in the forum and talking to each other. We were making each other laugh so hard. We got a little nasty (ok, a lot nasty!) and were posting things full of innuendo. I was up so late on Friday and Saturday night. When I woke up on Sunday, I discovered that our thread had been deleted and we were all banned from the boards. It was more funny than anything. We knew we were pushing the boundaries, but we were having too much fun. So, that's where the whole banned camp comes in. People who get banned can get reinstated and they say that's where they were. I requested to be reinstated and was on Monday morning. By then, we had all created new user ids and found each other. So stupid. But the best thing to come out of it was that I met some amazing people and we are famous! Everyone else on the boards know about us. Mant people were reading our conversation, but not contributing. They were all too scared. For good reason, I guess. But now every time I (or any of the other girls) post, people freak that their threads are gonna get hijacked and deleted. Yesterday, I commented on something that seemed benign, but another girl said something like she wanted to keep the thread PG. So I commented back, "Ok, I'll leave. Apparently my reputation precedes me." It is hilarious.
So, since we cannot really talk like we like to on the boards, we are all now meeting in a chat room at night. It is easier that way, because its real time. These girls rock. I am so glad I met them. I know - online friends, don't equal real friends. But I totally disagree. These people that I bonded with this weekend are amazing. We have so much fun making each other laugh. We get along so well and can't believe that we all found each other. We decided last night that even if Jason goes today, next week or whenever, we will still talk. It started with a mutual love, but grown quickly into a great friendship.

goth girls rule!!!

jennifer aniston, eh?

So, while I have been slightly pre-occupied, the hotness has been going out behind my back. He spent a week in Miami with Jennifer Aniston. There are pictures floating around now of them laying out by the pool. Guess that confirms that.
How do I feel about this? I just want him to be happy and if she works for him, I support it. She is way too old for him, though. But at least she has some class. That was clearly missing from the past relationship that shall go un-mentioned here.
But seriously, the boy gets around, eh?

what a day!

Today is crazy for me. The Suns game. American Idol. They are singing two songs (spoiler alert - Forever In Blue Jeans and September Morn - it's Neil Diamond week!). Maybe if I could tear myself away from the message boards and chats to get some stuff done, life would be simpler.

Also, day celebrates 14 years since Chris and I became officially boyfriend and girlfriend. He does not like to call it an anniversary, but I do. So, it's our 14th anniversary as a couple.
04-29-94 to 04-29-08 to forever
Ok, that was cheesy. But still. He is the love of my life and I knew it 14 years ago.
edited to add: We look like babies. That's because we were! 16 year olds who thought they knew it all!

they'd only put the winner in the middle, right?

source

welcome to the world, Colbie

My cousin, Crista had her baby by c-section early this morning, at around 2:30am. She was just over 5 lbs, but is healthy. She shares a birthday with my sister!

to my sister

another good day?

Not sure how a great a day today will be. The Suns lost again last night. This is the new quote on their website:
Yikes. I feel bad for them. They are not playing well and it is not really a representation of how they played all season. They do deserve to make it further, but I don't feel like they will. I have not lost all hope. But its highly unlikely at this point.

In other news, my cousin (who's shower I went to 2 weeks ago) is in the hospital soon to be giving birth. She is not due until May 11th, but after her doctor appointment yesterday, they sent her to the hospital to get induced. Her blood pressure was really high and since she is so close to her due date they decided to get the baby out. For all I know, she might have had her by now. NO one calls me on this stuff. But my whole family is awaiting the arrival of baby Colbie!

And one last thing. I thought I would share with you all the full length studio recording of Memory, that is available to purchase on itunes. This version is so much better than what he sung on the show. It's worth a listen, I promise.

laugh if you must

My fellow dreadheads sent Jason Castro over 100 balloons yesterday. It took the florist 5 vans to deliver all of them. This is an actual photo of some of them [ETA:] that Jason actually took with his iPhone. We have a mole who is a real life friend of his. She helped coordinate the delivery people getting them to him.
Here is what she said yesterday when they were delivered:
"Jason has seen the balloons BLOWN AWAY He just keeps laughing and smiling and he is so amazed and HAPPY!! he says thank you thank you!! Funny thing is David Cook and David A had to help bring them all in because Jason had gone across the street."
How fun is that? I know this might seem so stupid to most people (like Chris, in particular), but I love it. I love that he has a fan base that can coordinate themselves to collect money from all over the country online and arrange to have 100+ balloons delivered. I guess its not really that difficult. But I like to hang out (even if its online) with people who would think to do something like that. That is something I would do and I love that I have met, thru American Idol, a group of like minded people. That's what I mean when I say it is good for my soul. It makes me happy and smile and brings me joy. Crazy to some, but bliss for me.

edited to add: WE MADE THE LA TIMES!!

and the LA Times article was picked up by online newspaper, The Huffington Post

and today (04/28/08), OK Magazine

today will be a good day, right?

The Suns will win tonite!!

and I will get a life by removing myself from the idol message boards long enough to go shopping. I managed to get to bed last night at a reasonable time, so that is positive. And I feel half way decent! Hooray! It sounds crazy, but this idol love is good for my soul.

two weeks from today & JULY!!!

So yesterday, I realized that in two weeks we will be leaving for Ohio. My youngest sister in law (Chris has two younger sisters) is graduating from college. Hooray for her!! I am happy about all that. But I am sorta dreading dealing with my out-laws in-laws. It is a nice, comfortable distance with them in OH and us in AZ. We haven't seen them since Christmas 2005. I am looking forward to being back in the 'Nati and going to see (and photo) all the places we used to live and go. I am also really looking forward to some chili. But that whole pesky in-law situation keeps me from being too excited.

Now about July... Why would I ever be excited about the hottest month of the year? Or is that August? Whatever. At that point, its all so hot it doesn't matter. I am excited for July because of how it will start and end.
July 1st - American Idol tour concert. I begged my mom to go with me, even though she does not watch the show. I didn't want to go alone and I knew that she would humor me.
July 30th - John Mayer concert. I have resigned myself to getting lawn seats. I gave up 5th row and was never able to find better than that. I figure if I am gonna go to both shows, I need to save a little money. The lawn is actually better for shows at this venue, because you have more room.

safe

What does it mean to be safe?
In the case of American Idol, apparently it means the media opens a whole can of whoop ass on you.
Since the wonderful results of last night, I was been floating. I was so happy. I really didn't care who left last night, as long as it was a girl. But I do think that Brooke should have left before Carly.
What I am referring to about this media is... Now that Carly is gone, they are all saying (and the judges have referred to this too) that the show has become a popularity contest, instead of a singing contest. To that, I say, "Why are they popular in the first place? Oh I don't know? Maybe because they can sing?" DUH! Sure, Jason was saved by his fans (including ME!). Again - DUH! What is this show for if not to develop a fan base for the contestants? I am at a totally loss at the whole "popularity" issue. Does the best singer always win on Idol? Really? It is who is the most popular, who can also sing well. They need to deal with the reality of this reality show!!

i can breathe again

No other idol spoilers than that.

Just know that I am a very happy girl right now!!!!!!!

wigging out

Seriously. This day cannot go fast enough.

If Jason gets kicked off Idol tonite, I think I might fall over dead.
Ok, yes. I am being over dramatic. I just pray that it doesn't happen.

At least I can follow the show on the forum, when it airs on the East Coast.
I don't think I could handle waiting until almost 9pm to find out.

I AM STRESSING BAD!!

It's gonna be like this until he goes... just a warning to the rest of you.

best of idol - top 6 (and... about last night)

I don't really feel like posting any videos today. Last night was an extremely difficult night for me, all around. Before I get into idol... the Suns lost. They are down 2 games to 0. It is very disheartening. Especially because they were ahead the whole first half. Yes, I know this is my idol review. But last night was so much more than idol. It started out all about idol and ended differently. I was so caught up in the show and the message boards that I didn't eat dinner. I took my pills, but didn't eat. Not a good combo. Well, I ate a few Pringles. But by the time I got some food around 9 o'clock (or better yet, Chris got me some food), I was feeling horrible and nauseous. I tried to eat, but couldn't. I went to bed feeling so sick. I feel better today. Not 100%, but way better.

So, lets just get this out of the way right now. Yes, Jason was struggling. But people, he is SICK. He has been sick for days. Couldn't you see him wiping his nose after his performance? He didn't want people to know he was sick and use it as an excuse. But if you have an excuse, that is a pretty valid one. He struggled in the low range of his voice and I agree that it was not the greatest song choice. (How cute was my boy? "I didn't know it was sung by a cat.") But he had the emotion and the soul that it takes to pull off that song. He gave it his all. I am just so confused with this week. Its like they set certain people up for failure. We all knew going in that David A and Syesha would rock this. They have those types of voices. But how can they say to other contestants that the songs didn't suit them when they knew all along they wouldn't? Chris even said, "What does Andrew Lloyd Webber have to do with finding a pop idol?" Good question, dear. Whatever on that topic! I know that Jason will be in the bottom this week. He better not go home (!!), but I am afraid the casual voter will go with the judges and not vote for him.

David A. - Where do I begin with this kid? How many times can a person forget their lyrics and still win American Idol? Apparently it will be at least 3. He did it again last night. This show is so biased it is not even funny any more. There is no subtlety left. They (producers, judges, etc) want a David A/David C finale and they are gonna say whatever they have to to make that happen. Even ignore the fact that messed up royally. I also need to applaud the director for panning away from him while he was humming he words instead of getting them right. This kid annoys me more and more every day.

David C. - He does have a nice voice. But all those close shots on his face were creeping me out. I had to look away. He is definitely safe again.

Syesha - Whatever. Standing on the piano, barefoot. I do have to give her credit for picking no so popular songs, because people don't associate them with other people and compare. She will be a great Broadway singer, just like they said. Not the American Idol...

Carly - Again with the messing up of the lyrics. But whatever. Apparently that doesn't matter at all. She covered it really well, unlike the rest of them. Unless you really knew the song, you probably wouldn't have noticed her mess up on the first chorus. She did a decent job. I am glad she sung Superstar instead of All I Ask of You.

Brooke - What do you say about that? I am glad that Paula called her out, but then Paula lost her back bone and they all back peddled. That annoys me more than not saying anything. She forget the words too. She made them stop the song and start over. WHAT THE?? This is the 2nd time she has done this too. She struggled thru the whole song and I felt like she had no emotion other than fear.

My bottom 3: Brooke White, David Archuleta and... (you know this kills me!!) Jason Castro - with Brooke going home.

happy earth day

and for my sister & sheepish...

who knew?

I wasn't planning on changing the colors, but I guess I just felt like it. In honor of Earth Day (04/22/08) and because it's hip to go green, I give you all my own - gone green. Hope you like it.

11:38am PST
edited to add: Trying out dots now. Not sure how I feel about them yet. Looking for feedback on the background. Does it annoy you? Or is it ok?

round 1

Playoff Schedule

Game 1 - Sat. April 19 - San Antonio - Noon PST - LOSS
Game 2 - Tue. April 22 - San Antonio - 6:30 p.m. PST - LOSS
Game 3 - Fri. April 25 - Phoenix - 7:30 p.m. PST - LOSS
Game 4 - Sun. April 27 - Phoenix - 12:30 p.m. PST
Game 5 - TBD - San Antonio
Game 6 - TBD - Phoenix
Game 7 - TBD - San Antonio

song in my head 04/18/08

New Deep by John Mayer
This is somebody's cheesy clip montage. But there was never a video made for this song.

tomorrow's goals

make up blood tests

new blood tests

haircut

mail sister's birthday present (her birthday is in 10 days!!)

get prepped for the NBA playoffs - GO SUNS!! Beat the Spurs.

try to stay sane

note to self

There is more on the internet than american idol forums and blogs about Jason Castro.

best of idol - top 7

David Cook


Jason Castro

I was very fearful of last night. I really do not like Mariah Carey at all. I have disliked her for a long time. I do not deny her ability and I think most of my dislike comes from jealousy. But still. So Mariah week. I knew it would be rough and it was. David A just needs to go away. Leather pants? Really? He sounded fine, but sooo boring. David Cook did not impress me the first time I heard him, but I gave it another try and I was impressed. I did not like the very last note, but the rest was creative. I did love when he cried. His brother was there in the front row and he got all choked up. He seems like a cool dude too.

Castro did not disappoint. I am always worried about his song choice, but he some how manages to find a way to make them unique. He really does have his own style. My fellow dreadheads (check out the idol forums!) are calling for a Cook/Castro top 2. I agree. I have a feeling it will be the battle of the David's, but I hope otherwise. Jason can lose. That is really ok with me. I just want him to get as far as he can. Winning American Idol is no guarantee of a long career (*cough-Fantasia, Taylor, Ruben-cough*), so losing is not really a bad thing (ie. Clay, Daughtry).

I voted last night until my phone and bluetooth died. Funny.

My bottom 3: All girls... Syesha Mercado, Kristy Lee Cook and Carly Smithson - with Syesha going home. I am going on a limb here with Syesha leaving. I think she has lost momentum. And Kristy has the Vote for the Worst thing going for her. I predict the girls going home in the next 4 weeks.

04/17/08 - 1:24pm PST
edited to add: So, I suck at picking who goes home. I admit I have been wrong all along. But really, it doesn't matter. I have been getting 2 out of 3 on my bottom 3. I am just glad that KLC finally left. It's getting so close now. It's very stressful. I basically watched the show unfold on the forum last night during the East Coast airing. It was stressful reading what was happening, but I was glad I did that. Had I not known the outcome, actually watching the show might have given me the heart attack I fear. I hate that stupid "pick a side" crap. You knew that David A. was safe and he was so stupid for not realizing that Ryan was trying to tell him which side to choose. Cute that the boys sat down together. It is so clearly divided that its not even funny any more. Andrew Lloyd Webber week next week. I saw something about them going to Vegas.

one step forward, a million steps back

Last nights Idol review coming later!

So, the step forward. I guess it was more than one step. It was the positive test results from the nerve test & the MRI. It was also that I made an appointment with a psychiatrist. It is not until the middle of May, but as a new patient, it was the best I could do. That is progress people. Making that appointment was so difficult. It is not nearly as easy as it may seem. I really hope that I am comfortable with this doctor right from the start. I am so far in the process, so I am trying to stay positive about it.

The steps back. The lab called yesterday about my blood work. Apparently there was a "lab accident" and they were not able run all the tests that were ordered. This is the second time something like this has happened. I am so annoyed at this lab. So, I need to go back to have the test re-taken. But I guess its not so bad, since I also got a call from the doctors office telling me they did get some blood work results and are ordering more tests. My B12 level is low. So, I have to go back to the lab anyway. I was so overwhelmed by these phone calls yesterday. That, and I have not been feeling well the last couple of days. Hell, I don't feel good any day. But some days, the pain is worse than others. I am living with it and learning to deal with it, but I wish someone would fix me. I wish that my symptoms were text book and the doctor would say, "This is what is wrong and this is how we will fix it." My symptoms are clearly more than anxiety. At first, maybe you could dismiss them away. But I have always felt something was wrong. I am still have the enormous pain in my shoulder/chest area of my left arm. The numbness in my face seems to have subsided, but it happens randomly still. I now have the numbness in my right foot. Also, my limbs fall asleep way too easy. I also have pain in both of my elbows and knees. Any one a doctor? Any one figure it out, yet? Cause it ain't MS. It ain't nerve damage. My blood pressure is fine. I am afraid it is too fine. My body was used to my heart pumping the blood faster and now it is not. Now I have circulation problems. Is this from the lack of blood flow? I am no doctor. I am just guessing here. I wish I knew what to do.

the hotness tats

Somebody got a whole sleeve done when he was in Japan.

I don't know how I feel about this quite yet.

sharing music

How about a couple Jason Castro songs to brighten the day?

First a couple originals...

Someday by Jason Castro

The Other Side by Jason Castro


And now a video of a cover....

Clumsy by Chris Rice


Ah, isn't that nice? Just puts a nice little smile on your face.

random bits

Somebody screen capped it --------------------->
I was trying to stop with eyes...
Trying, but not too hard apparently. I should be locked up for this. He is legal by a lot, but it still seems so wrong.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow is now #8 on itunes.

The John Mayer (you didn't think I forgot about him, did you?) ticket mess is still a mess. I decided that if I could get a really good seat when they went on sale today, I would buy one and go by myself. If I couldn't find any good seats, I would just buy 2 lawn seats and hope that Chris would go. Well, I am still waiting for good seats. I am gonna keep trying for a couple more days and see if they release any more in the pre-sale. After that, I will just give up and buy the lawn seats. That will be ok too. I really don't know if any show will measure up to the 2nd row experience I had last summer.

My mom had a colonoscopy today. Hooray for her. She had been needing to have one for many years, but kept putting it off. After I had mine, she said that she was inspired to get one. The plan was that since she took me, I would take her. But she couldn't schedule it on my day off and I couldn't take the day off. My dad took her instead. She did better with the drinking of the stuff then I did. She didn't get nauseous really, so that made a difference. They found a couple polyps, but are optimistic, like they were with me. A few days and she will know for sure. But she is not worried.

I purchased a Ped Egg. It's a thingy to remove dead skin from your feet. TMI alert!!! I have really dry, nasty heals and sometimes I try to work on them. Most of the time, I just give up. Nothing really works. But I do need to give them a shave once in awhile and I found the Ped Egg at Walgreens. I had seen other, more expensive things like this, but didn't want to spend the money. I'll let you know how it works.

I wanted to mention one last thing. I am aware that I get really obsessive about things. Like the hotness and American Idol, among many others. It's how I deal. I need distractions in my life. I know that it is avoidance, but if I didn't distract myself, my mind consumes itself with stress about everything wrong in my life. About health mostly, right now. So as obsessive as I get, I really think these things are ok distractions. I would much rather spend my time on this stuff, then stress myself out. Maybe one day I can deal and not get stressed out, but until then I throw myself at my obsessions and like them.

I am calling shrinks tomorrow.

song in my head 04/10/08

In Love With A Girl by Gavin DeGraw
New album comes out May 6th. Way cool.

idol strikes back

Seriously? I really didn't like Archuleta before. Then he goes and butchers the lyrics to one of the best songs ever written, Seasons of Love. To regular folks, his solo last night might have sounded great. Whatever. He sang the wrong words! This kid might have a voice, but there is more to talent than that. He is consistently bad when it comes to songs he doesn't know. He had like 2 lines to sing and couldn't get them right. I know he is 17 and all. Blame it on him being young. Whatever. I think it annoys me so much because he is probably going to win. He shouldn't. He would not have a career. He has no charisma. He is not a public figure. He clearly breaks under pressure.

I am sorry to go off on this. I am just a huge RentHead and I was thrilled beyond when they started singing this last night. Rent is a classic and getting the words wrong is blasphemy to me.

best of idol - top 8

Jason Castro

Only one (and I left the video big! hehe) video this week. There was only one stellar performance. I am so glad the kid pulled it out. I have to admit that I have to remind myself that he is only 21 and that it just way too young... stop with that video with the eyes... stop...
This kid is a major star. The original version of that song is right now #10 on itunes. After he sung Hallelujah, the original went to #1 on itunes and gave Jeff Buckley his first ever #1 hit. No other idols have caused this much sensation in the music industry.
I voted for over an hour last night. I figured out how to redial on my bluetooth and I just watched the Diamondbacks game and voted. He is so safe this week its not even funny.
Now, what the hell is up with Kristy Lee? Why is she still here? I do like that Randy said that performance was "good, for her." She can sing fine, but she is just a copycat of every other young, blonde country singer. And she still has those nails!
Michael Johns needs to lose the scarf. Cute last week. Not so cute two weeks in a row.
What was with David Cook too? He seemed out of it last night. I agree that the jacket was nice, but the hand thing was cheesy. Everybody has an off night and that was clearly his.
I also need to mention that I really cannot stand David Archuleta. He can sing, but a 17 year old adult contemporary singer? Really? That is your American Idol? Why do all these little kids think he is so cute? That sign "Lick Those Lips" was being held by an 8 year old, for crying out loud. That is just wrong. I just don't get it.

My bottom 3: Syesha Mercado, Brooke White and (yes, I have to do it!) David Cook - with Syesha going home. I hate putting David in the bottom, but everybody has to go thru it at least once.

This is funny... when I mention that Idol Gives Back is on tonite, I always say "Idol Strikes Back." That's funny, right? hehe

normal

What does that mean? normal?

My MRI & spine x-ray came back normal. Does that mean I don't still feel crappy? Does that mean I don't still have random symptoms that make no sense?
It's a good thing. I keep telling myself this. I really didn't want there to be anything wrong. It could have been something that was really bad and life altering. But I did wish that they would find something that would explain it all away.
But it wouldn't be my life if it was that easy.

I am happy about this. I really am. I just don't feel that great today.

I know what I have to do. I'll start making the calls on Friday. My doctor gave me a list of psychiatrists that he recommends.

somewhere over the rainbow

Just a little idol spoiler...
Tonite, Jason Castro is gonna be singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow, but not the Judy Garland version. The version here, by Israel Kamakawiwoʻole. If you've seen 50 First Dates - it's the version in that movie.
It's gonna be interesting...
The rest of tonite's songs are as follows:
David Cook - “Innocent” - Our Lady Peace
David Archuleta - “Angels” by Robbie Williams
Brooke White - “You’ve Got A Friend” by James Taylor/Carole King
Syesha Mercado - “I Believe” by Fantasia
Michael Johns - “Dream On” by Aerosmith
Kristy Lee Cook - “Anyway” by Martina McBride
Carly Smithson - “The Show Must Go On” by Queen

opening day

Today is the home opener for my Arizona Diamondbacks! They are 4-2 & tied with LA for 1st place. Tonite's game will take care of that. The season is also the 10th anniversary of the team. I remember when we didn't have a baseball team and I remember opening day 1998. I wish I was going to the game today. But I will enjoy it from the comfort of my couch.
I leave you with a song written for the team...

D-backs Swing
by Roger Clyne & the Peacemakers
gotta love baseball!

woo hoo!!

Official North American Summer Tour Dates
John Mayer with special guests Colbie Caillat and Brett Dennen
Sponsored by Blackberry

July 30: Phoenix, AZ - Cricket Pavilion

Sucks that it's in the summer. Cool that it's happening!!! More ticket drama for me. Cause I really don't want to sit on the grass, but I just might have to (to get you know who to go with me!).

04/08/08 - 6:08pm PST
edited to add: Holy crap! I just saw that pre-sale for tickets is Thursday morning. Crap! I gotta decide if I want to go by myself and try to get close seats, or beg Chris to go and sit on the grass.

tests? what tests?

Oh right. I had the nerve test yesterday and I went for my MRI & spine x-ray today. The nerve test was basically getting the shit shocked out of me. They ran tests on both arms to compare. They sent electrical currents thru my arms and hands. It really didn't hurt all that much. It was like shocking yourself really bad. The results from that test came back while I was getting the MRI. Good news on that one. Everything is normal with that. The MRI was an open MRI, which was good. I really don't think I could have done the old school kind, in the tube. It was over 20 minutes long and really loud. The x-ray was fine. Nothing major. I should have the results sometime next week.
I think I am being so flippant about this, because I have a feeling there will be nothing found on any of the tests. A good result is what I am supposed to want, right?

IKEA orange

Wandering thru IKEA today, I discovered the abundance of orange items. I went a little nuts to photo many of the orange things. I didn't get everything, because there was just so much. I love this, because orange is one of my favorite colors and I use it as an accent color in my home.

perez who?

yum
I don't want to, but how do I not comment on the hot mess that is Perez Hilton? I really used to be a fan. But more and more lately, all blogs about is himself and him meeting celebrities. Then he gets his own show. Clearly the whole point of his blog was to get famous himself and now that he has publicity, he uses it to his own advantage.
He has posted recently about making out with John Mayer on New Years eve in 2006. He even took a lie detector test to prove he wasn't lying. Whatever. He did lie that he was making this public for publicity. He said he wasn't and the test said he lied. You know, whether this is true or not (my money is on the "not" - people do dumb stuff when they are drunk and provoked), it really doesn't matter. It just shows that Perez is a total publicity hungry douche. I say, down with Perez. I plan to avoid his blog at all together.

best of idol - top 9

Michael Johns


Jason Castro

Hey I know he is my favorite, but I think he did way better than the judges said. In reading reviews today, many people agree with me.

This was the first time I really liked a performance by Michael Johns. He did an amazing job and rocked that scarf.

David Cook finally addressed those "covers" issue. It's so stupid. I truly think that they do things on purpose for the controversy. Duh. Ratings. Both Doxology and Chris Cornell have no commented on the issue.

Brooke needs to stop talking back to the judges so much. It really is annoying and makes her look like an idiot.

I have been meaning to mention this for a while now... What is with Kristy Lee's nails? That horrible french manicure with the glittery red tips. They are horrendous. She is the vote for the worst choice and so she will continue to grace our presence for a little longer.

My bottom 3: Kristy Lee Cook, Ramiele Malubay and Carly Smithson - with Ramiele going home. Those are my choices, but I fear Jason Castro will be in the bottom again. I didn't want to write it, just like last week. But I think it might happen. When I was voting, his line was only busy once in 10 minutes of voting. That scares me!

04/03/08 - 2:05pm
edited to add: I am happy with the outcome. Not much to say here, other than I am very pleased Jason made it another week. Yeah!

medical update

So I would say that overall I am feeling better than I felt the whole month of February. I am still having random symptoms and pains. Last week I went back to my primary care doctor and told him and I know he thinks my symptoms are anxiety related, but I am not sure. I know that people with anxiety disorder frequently believe there are things medically wrong. I get this. But I still have things that feel medically wrong and they aren't going away. He said that he would gladly order more tests to rule more medical things out. So, I am scheduled for a EMG/NCV test, a spine x-ray and... a brain mri! The first test on Thursday and the other two on Friday. This is all because I still have pain in my shoulder, neck, left arm, left hand. Could be nerve issue. Could be MS. Yes, he mentioned ruling out multiple sclerosis. Seriously. I got what I wanted. I wanted to make 100% sure that nothing is really wrong with me. He ordered the tests. But all this is really freaking me out. I am still trying to trust my gut. My gut tells me that I am not alright. I trust the doctor, but just blaming it all on anxiety doesn't seem to work for me. Give me all the tests under the sun that show that nothing is wrong and then I will believe you. Until then, its more tests for me.

song in my head 03/30/08

Silent All These Years
by Tori Amos

why am i still up?

I actually am tired. I got up at a reasonable time and so I should be sleeping by now. But here I sit. Stuck in this chair on the damn computer.

What did we do tonite? We ordered chinese and watched The Boondock Saints. Have you seen this movie? I never have. Chris loves it and ordered the collectors addition with his birthday money. It came today from amazon, so we had to watch it. It is was surprisingly good. I thought it would be some stupid shot em up movie with a lame plot. It was a shot em up movie, but the plot was really good and it was actually quite funny. I was pleasantly surprised.

I guess I need to go try to sleep. Sleeping really hasn't been an issue lately. I haven't taken an Ambien in many weeks. I am really happy about that. I have no excuse for why I am still up now. I need to shut this down and move on to bed.
peace out.

earth hour

Tomorrow, my fair city is participating in Earth Hour.

Join thousands of people across Phoenix-and millions of people around the world-to make a bold statement about climate change on March 29th from 8 p.m. to 9 p.m.

Turn out your non-essential and non-emergency lights for one hour. Earth Hour.

I wish we were going to be home for this tomorrow. It would have been amazing to look outside and see downtown totally dark and then watch the lights come on again. Tomorrow night we are going to an awards dinner for Chris's company at Portland's. I hope they are planning on keeping the lights on. So since we will not be home, we will indirectly be participating. I think Earth Hour is a great thing if for no other reason than it gets people talking and thinking about conserving energy.

late night hotness

Am I mildly obsessing over Jason Castro? Yes. But he is just a talented kid.

Will he ever compare to this?
I think not.

Photoshoot for Best Life magazine. Here is the article and some other wonderful photos.

new sunglasses

I went to the eye doctor today for my annual check up. Hey! Finally some good news from a doctor. My eyes are in fine shape. My prescription on changed .25 in my right eye and she said it was enough to need new glasses. But I did need new sunglasses. The prescription ones I have now, I got in 2004. That was many prescriptions ago. I have trouble seeing with them now. So these are the new ones I ordered:
They are Coach. The round thing on the sides has interchangeable pieces. It comes with one with rhinestones or solid black. I should have them in about a week! woo hoo!

i'll send you the dollar

I swear I will.

Go to itunes and download the studio version of Fragile by Jason Castro from American Idol. It is sooo much better than his performance on the show this week. I keep playing it over and over.

prison break season 4 - just gets better & better!

Prison Break Stunner: Sarah Wayne Callies Returns!
Prison Break fans, prepare to seriously lose your heads.

Sarah Wayne Callies — whose rather ugly contract dispute with producers led to her apparent decapitation last October — is returning next season. Full-time. As Dr. Sara Tancredi. Head and all. Seriously.

She's coming back? She was dead. Head in a box. Dead. Guess not. That's awesome. Michael was so lost without her. Season 4 better kick ass.

super cute baby alert

Scarlett Aurora
Easter, 2008
age - 17 months
I love this kid and I haven't even met her!! I used to love that she looks so much like her daddy. It just makes me sad now, since her parents are separated. But she is still stinkin' cute!

12 months locked up!!!

T.I. Pleads Guilty to Weapons Charges

best of idol - top 10

David Cook


Syesha Mercado

I only picked Syesha, because I like to pick two favorites each week. I really like David Cook, but he keeps covering other musican's covers. This week, his version of Billie Jean is very similar to the cover Chris Cornell has done recently. This is the 3rd time he has done it this season. It's not a bad thing, but they give him props for being original. He is really good, but not original.
What is up with my boy Jason? I agree with the judges that he is being too safe. He needs to "blow them out of their socks" sometime very soon to stick around. He turned to big 2-1 yesterday! He gets cuter every week and I don't want him to leave.
And damn that Kristy Lee. She did save herself this week. She is not good, but who is gonna kick off the girl who sings the patriotic song?

My bottom 3: Chikezie, Ramiele Malubay and Carly Smithson (even though she sung my sister's favorite song!!) - with Ramiele going home.

9:37pm - edited to add: I will admit that when I first typed this post, I put Jason Castro in my bottom 3. But I felt bad that I wasn't being a good fan and changed it to Carly. If I had left it that way, I would have been 2 out of 3 again. I haven't been right about who is going home since I have been doing this. Chikezie needed to leave, so its no big deal. Jason was so cute when he said that he knew he would be in the bottom and thought about it all day.
This afternoon, I downloaded all of Jason's performances from itunes (yes, that whole thing about itunes on tonite's show was horrible!) and I have to say, his earlier stuff from top 24 was much better. He is really slacking the last couple weeks. He needs to get back on track. Hopefully a week in the bottom 3 will make him see that.
I fast forwarded thru Kimberly Locke. Was she any good? Doubt it.

how was your easter?

We didn't do a whole lot. My parents came over for dinner. We didn't want to go the traditional ham route, so Chris decided he wanted to my a bbq beef brisket. He has never cooked a brisket before, but he went all out. He smoked it. He used the propane grill and it took 10 hours. It was so tasty! He is such a good cook and we are so lucky he cooks for us. We just hung out, while Chris cooks. On Saturday night, I made a peach pie 90% from scratch. I just didn't make the crust. I used fresh peaches, not canned and it was really simple to make. It turned out very good and not too sweet; just the way you want it.
Yesterday was the 1 month anniversary of my uncle's death and my mom is still struggling with it. She was happy we got together yesterday, because it was a nice distraction.

wax on, wax off

On Friday, I finally did something that I have been wanting to do for a long time. I know I have shared before of my dislike of my random facial hair. Let's just say, I have less now. Ok, enough beating around the bush. (oooh, I didn't mean to make that joke!) I had my upper lip waxed. I was at the salon getting a pedicure and I decided that I really needed to just do it. I have needed to do it for a really long time. It really isn't that painful. The act of the waxing was nothing, but what hurt was the sting afterwards. And that didn't last long either. I have a couple red marks now, but you can't really tell that they are from waxing. I am really glad I did it.

THE BEST NEWS I'VE HEARD ALL DAY

‘Prison Break’ Season 4 Picked Up
The writer and co-executive producer confirmed on his myspace! I know that season 3 was lacking, but I pray that they do what they need to and come out blazing in season 4. No word on when it will start, but I am so happy about this.

blessings, peace and love to everyone

have a...

loving TV

There are so many shows that I love, besides American Idol. I thought I'd share the shows I am loving right now...

The First 48 - This is my favorite show on television. I love it so much. My favorites are the Phoenix episodes and the Cincinnati episodes. For obvious reasons. I like seeing crime in places I have lived or currently live.

Jon and Kate Plus 8 - This is such an awesome show. I love this family. Chris actually sat and watched the two new episodes on Monday. He stayed the whole time. That is a rare thing.

The Real Housewives of New York City - I have never watched the Orange County version, but I am loving these crazy NYC chics. They are so cliche!!

Make Me A Supermodel - This show actually isn't very good, but I am committed to it. Plus, Perry is from AZ and I think he needs to win.

America's Next Top Model - I have watched this show since the first "cycle." This is a staple for me. I love that they keep turning them out. There was only a few months between the last season and this one. My favorite from this cycle is Claire.

Top Chef - Another show I have watched since the beginning. We are only 2 episodes in to this season and my favorite is Stephanie.

Flip This House - Much better than Flip that House. My favorite flip teams are Armando & Than. Do you watch this show? Did you see episode 32? The one with the house that was burned and condemned. That house turned out amazing.

Good Eats - Another show that Chris and I watch together. I like learning about cooking even though I never apply what I learn.

Huh? I just realized that this is all non-sitcom/drama shows. Maybe that's because that is all that is on right now. But I did catch the first episode of Miss Guided and I have high hopes for it. I really like the writing and Judy Greer is awesome. My hope is that more people than just me like it and it sticks around longer than the last show she was on that I really loved, Love Monkey. There are two new episodes on tonight. Check them out.

happy 1st day of spring

best of idol - top 11

David Archuleta


David Cook
David Archuleta redeemed himself last night. He is clearly a ballad singer and not much more. But when he does ballads, he knocks them out of the park.
David Cook rocked again, but I will say that when I saw the mic with the voice box, I was very scared. And rightly so. That was really dumb and pointless. Otherwise, he is really entertaining.
The judges were right on about Jason Castro. He was not into that song at all. That boy can really sing and that did not display his talent at all. He's still my favorite, though. He is the only person I have voted for this season.

My bottom 3: Chikezie, Amanda Overmyer and Kristy Lee Cook - with Kristy going home.

03/20/08 - 6:44pm
edited to add: Again this week, I am 2 out of 3 on my bottom 3. Totally wrong on my guess to go home. Will Kristy ever leave? Who is voting for her? I never would have guessed that Amanda would have gone this soon. There was no way she was gonna win, but I thought she'd be in the top 10. Last week, I forgot to mention about the call-in questions. What the hell is that about? Just because Ryan is a DJ and can handle callers doesn't mean they should. The results shows are such a waste of time.

i really needed this today

Here is an alternate version of the Say video by John Mayer.
It's got no clips from The Bucket List, like the first video did.

On Friday, when I was out shopping, this song came on the shuffle on my ipod. I started crying. Crying so hard that I had to pull over in the Rustler's Rooste parking lot. I know I am slightly unstable right now, but the lyrics of this song are so important. I feel like there is so much loss and fear of loss in my life right now and saying what we need to say seems like something we really should do. Not just now, but always.

weekend = not so bad

After my retail therapy on Friday, I doubted that this weekend would go nice. I don't know why that is, but with all the crap that has been happening lately, I just assumed it would suck. That is not the case. Yesterday, Chris and I planted an herb garden. More like a bunch of herbs in pots in a planter raised up. with wire cubes. We bought them, I potted them and Chris rigged up a drip system to water them. We have basil, thyme, oregano, cilantro, rosemary, parsley, dill and chives. We also bought a cherry tomato plant and a banana pepper plant. I really hope that they last long enough to use them. I have a brown thumb, but I hope I can overcome that. Last night, Chris and I watched Into the Wild. He had never seen it and I could watch it over and over and over. This morning, Chris made blueberry pancakes and I spent the day making Easter cards. I didn't get any of the cleaning done that I needed to, but it was a good day anyway.

retail therapy

I was supposed to go the doctor today, but they called at 8am and said the doctor had a personal emergency and had to reschedule his appointments. So now its Monday and I am not sure I can make that one. Depends if I can get the time off.
Not going to the doctor put a wrench in my plans. I was using the appointment as a catalyst to get my shit together and be out the door. After the appointment I was gonna go to a couple places and get some things done (car wash, oil change, etc). No appointment means no rush to get out the door. Slacking ensues. I finally got out of the house a little after 1pm. I still managed to get a little shopping done, but nothing else.
So what I did do today was a little retail therapy.
I ordered a couple soaps from LUSH - this, this and this. Those are awesome, but I was bummed to find out that they no longer sell my favorite scented soap, Gratuitous Violets.
While I was out, I stopped at Bath & Body Works and picked up more soap. But this time it was the antibacterial hand soap. They have them for $3 right now! I got this, this, this and this.
Next stop was the philosophy store. I love that I live near the only store they have! I was a really good girl and only bought this. It smells amazing and limey!! I love the new gelees. I also went to joann's and bought a bunch of gel pens. I use them at work. I color with them. I don't really like crayons. I prefer the gel pens and I go thru them a lot. I was running low and needed to restock.
Fun day. I spent money, but I was really good at controlling myself. I am working hard on my shopping addiction. A day like today would have been 100 times worse, a few months ago. But you need to splurge just a little every once in a while.

woo hoo!

Refund Status Results

Your tax refund is scheduled to be direct deposited on March 17, 2008. If your refund is not credited to your account by March 22, 2008, check with your bank to find out if it has been received. Please wait until March 22, 2008 before you contact us again because we are unable to take any action until then.

the results

Today I got test results from my colonoscopy last week (last week? it seems like I had that weeks ago!). Negative. Benign. All good. I have to have another one in 5 years and probably 5 years after that, etc etc. But for now, I am cancer free. At least colon cancer free.

I struggle with the excitement I feel over my negative results while my aunt is still in the hospital dealing with her positive results. They are not sure if it is ovarian, but there is malignancy somewhere in the general abdomen area. She is still waiting to see the specialist that she has been waiting for 3 days to see. So that is still so up in the air.

I am going to my PC tomorrow to talk about the numbness that I am still having in my face and arms. I will be willing to bet you a million dollars that he is gonna tell me it is all anxiety related and that there really isn't anything (other than what we have already figured out) wrong with me.

---

from helpguide.org...
Signs and symptoms of anxiety disorders
The primary symptoms of anxiety disorders are fear and worry. However, anxiety disorders are also characterized by additional emotional and physical symptoms.

Emotional/Psychological Symptoms
* Apprehension, uneasiness, and dread - yup
* Impaired concentration or selective attention
* Feeling restless or on edge - yup
* Avoidance - yup
* Hypervigilance
* Irritability - yup
* Confusion
* Behavioral problems (especially in children and adolescents)
* Nervousness and jumpiness - yup
* Self-consciousness and insecurity - yup
* Fear that you are dying or going crazy - BIG TIME!!!
* Strong desire to escape - yup

Physical Symptoms
* Heart palpitations or racing heartbeat - yup
* Chest pain - yup
* Hot flashes or chills - yup
* Cold and clammy hands - yup
* Stomach upset or queasiness - yup
* Frequent urination or diarrhea - yup
* Shortness of breath
* Sweating
* Dizziness
* Tremors, twitches, and jitters - see, told you
* Muscle tension or aches - yup
* Headaches - yup
* Fatigue - yup
* Insomnia - yup, but this is getting better. After going back on the Ambien, I haven't taken it in a week!! woo hoo!

I gotta start calling psychologists. My sister gave me a good idea to get recommendations from my PC tomorrow and then start calling again. I tried calling around the list doctors on my insurance website, but there are so many that I didn't know where to start. I called a few from work and realized that was not the place to be making those phone calls. Hopefully the doctor can give me some references and that will make it easier.

But hey, no cancer for me!

i get it

Sheriff: Woman Sat on Toilet for 2 Years
You know, this situation doesn't seem all that crazy to me. Ok, the fact that she was stuck to the toilet, yes. But I get that she needed a place where she felt safe. I get that it is difficult to leave the house. I understand what that's like. I know that it's easier to not deal at all. It's not the best way or the healthiest, but I understand the inclination. I just feel bad for her. And her life will forever be altered because of the news coverage. Her name is out there for all the hear. I really feel bad for her.

best of idol - top 12

Brooke White


David Cook

but did he rip off another band's cover? do you even care if he did?

My fav, Jason Castro was good. Not great, but good. He is so cute in a dirty hippy kinda way.

My bottom 3: both Davids and Kristy Lee Cook - with Kristy going home.
Sorry about having David Archuleta in my bottom 3, but that performance was not good.

10:05pm - edited to add: 2 out of 3 on my bottom 3. Totally wrong on my guess for going home. The stripper heads back to the club. Hehe. I can joke about it, because he is from AZ. What a tool!
And how cute was Jason Castro when he was answering the question? He is my new favorite hippy!!

more evidence this year sucks

My aunt Carolyn is in the hospital. She has been dealing with colon cancer for the last couple years. She went to the hospital yesterday with severe pain in her abdomen. Apparently there was excess fluid and they were trying to drain it. They also found more cancer. Ovarian cancer. She is having tests today to verify this and to determine what stage the cancer is. We should know more today. This is so crappy. My mom is still dealing with the death of her brother and now her sister is in the hospital with cancer again.
I don't know why all this is happening to my family. I hate it and I wish the misery would stop!

Sister - call Mom at work. She tried to call you, but couldn't reach you. She was at the hospital all night yesterday.

SNL last night

This was the funniest thing I have seen in a really long time...
Amy Poehler is amazing.

finding the good

I have been so down and so negative lately. I am struggling to find the positives in life. Today has some good things and some not so good...

I finished the taxes and e-filed them. But only after the internet connection went down right as I was sending them off. That's just my luck. But once the internet was back up, I was able to send them again without issue. Now I can get my refunds and my extra $1200!

There is a marathon of Say Yes to the Dress on TLC. I love this show.

I found out a week or so ago that friends of ours have separated. He cheated. This is so terrible. They are the parents of the beautiful baby that I always post about. She has moved back in with her parents and the baby and we don't know where he is yet. We knew something was going on, because we have been trying to reach them since September. But that was when all this went down and so that explains why we haven't been able to. The only good I can find in this whole situation is the beautiful smile of their gorgeous 16 month old, Scarlett:

shit list

When it freaking rains it freaking pours.

My dad is getting laid off from his job. He found out yesterday, the day before his birthday. His company is gonna outsource his job. He might be able to get hired by the outsource company, but who knows. He might have a job until June, but who knows. They haven't given a lot of details yet.

My sister's ex has started the annulment process. I know she would be pleased if their marriage was annulled, but it sucks so bad that she has to go thru the process.

My mom is still upset about the death of her brother. Not that you would expect someone to be over it in a week or anything. I just hate that my family is going thru so much turmoil right now.

I got a $715 bill from the emergency room visit I made last month. I called my insurance company and they said that they just got the bill and it is still pending with them. They might still pay it. I hope to god they do.

Still no word from the gastro on my results from yesterday. Not that I thought I would hear so soon, but I am getting more anxious about it.

I have to work tomorrow. I am usually off on Fridays, but I have to work tomorrow to make up for being off yesterday.

The degree of horribleness decreases as you go down the list, but all these things are not good. Suck. suck. suck. suck.

to my dad

No actual Ladybugs are harmed in the making of our sandwiches!

On the way to the doctor today, I noticed the perfect place for my mom and I to get lunch. Ladybug House of Sandwiches. How perfect is that??? My nickname from my mom is Ladybug. That's why I have the ladybug tattoo. I have always been known as that and I love ladybugs because of it. So, we got lunch from there today. There is no one else I could have gone there with. The food was great. And they had ladybug jewelry! My mom bought me a super cute bracelet. What a fun little find!

it's over

TO DO LIST:
Colonoscopy

It was painful. I was not sedated as much as I believed I would be. So, there was pain involved. The doctor found a polyp. He is testing it and I should know in about a week. He didn't seem concerned. I am trying to stay positive too. Due to the lack of sedation, I recovered very quickly. There was gas pain involved in the recovery, but nothing I haven't gone thru before. After it was over, my mom & I went and got sandwiches to go. I hadn't eaten since Monday morning and that was only a 100 calorie pack of muffins. When we got home, we ate and watched Into the Wild. My mom had never seen it before. She gets it now.
I ended up not drinking all 4 liters of that crap yesterday. I drink about 3 liters. I struggled with it the rest of the night. I had the conditions that the instructions said would happen after drinking it all and so I decided to stop. I know I should have drank it all, but trust me it was so difficult. I am glad it's over. And I am feeling better today then I have felt in a week. Lets just hope the results are ok...

best of idol - boys top 8

Jason Castro


David Cook


My picks to go with week: Luke Menard & Chikezie.

i gotta drink all of it?

I started preparing for my colonoscopy 2 hours ago. Yes, stop right there to avoid TMI. You gotta drink this whole 4 liter jug of crap that tastes like super watered down skim milk with tons of salt in it and artificial cherry flavoring. I had to stop drinking it about 35 minutes ago, because I thought I was going to vomit. Apparently 50% of people who take this crap experience nausea and even less, vomiting. I have yet to vomit, but I have stopped drinking for a little bit, because the instructions say so. Also, it says the side effects subside quickly. Not quick enough. This is horrible.
I have learned in the last month or so that I have a lower pain threshold then I thought I had. I am a freaking wimp when it comes to pain. I can deal with my IBS stuff, but I hate vomiting with a passion. I need to go try to drink more of that crap now.

On a much better note, my DVD of Into the Wild came a day early. I already watched the bonus disc (which was highly disappointing) and I plan on watching the movie tomorrow after all this is over. It'll give me something to look forward to.

to the love of my life